Stupid FDA Warning Labels
Hard to Find Scavenger Hunt Items
Signs Your Mother is a Spice Girl
Changes in the New, Mature Madonna
Accidental Foreign Language Screw-Ups Made by Chris White While Vacationing in Europe
New Menu Items if Fast Food Chains Merged
Proposed New Commandments
Signs Your Roommate is Stuck in the 80s
Ways the British Royal Family Can Modernize the Monarchy
Signs That Evil Forces are Out to Get You
Signs Your Hollywood Career is Over (Part I)
Signs Your Hollywood Career is Over (Part II)
Sports Phrases Used During the Sex Championships
Worst Blues Singer Names
Better Titles for the New 'Star Wars' Movie
Worst Blues Singer Names Having to do with Physical Maladies
Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizers
Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part I)
Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part II)
Differences Between the New $20 Bill and the Old $20 Bill
Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget
Signs You Watch Too Much TV
Signs You Won't be Named Homecoming King or Queen
Acronyms Least Used In Personals Ads
Conditions of Mike Tyson's Reinstatement
Surprises During John Glenn's Space Mission
Terms of the New Mideast Peace Deal
Reasons You Lost the World Series
Ways To Annoy A Trekkie
Worst Rollercoaster Names
Reasons You Won't Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part I)
Reasons You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part II)
Surprises in 'CHiPs '99'
Hardships for Out-of-Work NBA Players
Changes Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers
Signs Your Radio 'Psychiatrist' has Posed Nude
Items on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List
Changes in the New 'Wizard of Oz'
Changes at Microsoft
True-Life Horror Movies
Dream Wrestling Matches
Rejected Children's Books
Topics for The Top 5 List in the Year 2098
Drill Sergeant Pickup Lines
Articles in 'Girl Scout Cosmopolitan' (Part I)
Articles in 'Girl Scout Cosmopolitan' (Part II)
Signs Your Best Friend is Linda Tripp
Signs Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You
Little Known Phobias
Signs Your Newspaper Isn't Telling the Truth
Least Popular Rap Songs
Most Popular Rap Songs
Other Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
Overheard In Santa's Toyshop
Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy
Signs You've Got Furbymania
Surprises in 'You've Got Mail'
Bad Things About Having Your Life Broadcast on the Internet
Christian Coalition-Approved Nicknames for Breasts
Signs Your Neighbor is an ex-MTV VJ
Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
Problems With Rock Stars These Days
Other Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman
New Slogans for the Republican Party
New Slogans for the Democratic Party
Ways to Prepare for the Millennium Bug
Overlooked Movies of 1998
Surprises Regarding the Euro
Signs Your Radio Doctor Flunked Medical School
Signs You're Dating a Psychology Major
Signs You've Gotten a Bad Hotel Room
Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
Signs Your Significant Other is an Agent Of Satan (Part I)
Signs Your Significant Other is an Agent Of Satan (Part II)
Rejected State of the Union Speech Opening Lines
Items on Michael Jordan's To-Do List
Republican Euphemisms for Impeaching the President
Worst Jobs in America
Predictions for the Shortened NBA Season
Super Powers Most Coveted by Dogs
Items at the Vatican Garage Sale
Ways to Liven Up the Super Bowl (Part I)
Ways to Liven Up the Super Bowl (Part II)
Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
Surprises in the Victoria's Secret's New Spring Line
Miracles Not Mentioned in the Bible
Jerry Hall Divorce Demands for Mick Jagger
Additional Foreign Translations of English Movie Titles
Signs Your Realtor is Crazy
Surprise Oscar Nominations
Signs You're Not at the Real Senate Impeachment Hearings
Things You Won't Hear At The Daytona 500
Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings
Least Popular Candy Heart Sayings
Pet Peeves Of Morticians
Words That Sound Dirty But Aren't
Least Popular Gifts in the Animal Kingdom
Dan Quayle Campaign Promises
Updated 'Peanuts' Specials
Jewish Country & Western Songs
Signs You're Going To Spend the Rest Of Your Life Single (Part I)
Signs You're Going To Spend the Rest Of Your Life Single (Part II)
Least Scary Stephen King Novels
Rejected Plot Lines on 'E.R.'
Revelations in Barbara Walter's Interview with Monica Lewinsky
Least Popular Video Games
Suprising Nostradamus Predictions for the Year 2000
Features of the Pentium III Chip
Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader
Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday
Least Popular Names for Street Gangs
Pat Buchanan Campaign Promises
Drawbacks of a Long-Distance Relationship
Good Things About a Cold Winter
Episodes of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates
Euphemisms for Masturbation
Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
Signs Your Roommate Is A Cannibal
Rejected Cookbook Titles
Alternative Names for Crayola's 'Indian Red' Crayon
Signs the Year of the Rabbit Has Begun
Signs You Weren't Cut Out to be a Hollywood Stunt Person
Signs China Has Stolen US Technology
Differences in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Magician (Part I)
Things Overheard While Top5 List Contributors are Having Sex
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Magician (Part II)
Signs You're Married to a Liberal
Don King Pickup Lines
Least Successful Geraldo Rivera Specials
Liabilities of Having Leonardo DiCaprio's Looks
Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
International Ways to Leave Your Lover
Song Titles if the Artists Re-Made Them Today
Least Popular Mail-Order Catalogs
Stories in the Country-Western Bible (Part I)
Stories in the Country-Western Bible (Part II)
Unpublished Beatles Songs
Least-Used Kitchen Appliances
Rejected Names for Deodorants
Reasons Pamela Anderson Had Her Breast Implants Removed (Part I)
Reasons Pamela Anderson Had Her Breast Implants Removed (Part II)
Signs Your Car Needs Washing
Items on Wayne Gretzky's To-Do List
Names of Y2K Cults
Signs Your Presidential Candidate is a Deadhead
Pregnancy Worries of Xena, Warrior Princess
Signs Your Sports Hero Has Stumbled
Seminar Topics at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention
Signs a 13-Year-Old is Bidding at Your Auction
Signs the Term Paper You Bought Won't Get an 'A'
Responses to Our 'NRA Seminar' List
Differences if All Mothers Were Lawyers
Things Amy Fisher Will Miss Most About Prison
Ways to Annoy a Supermodel
Signs Your Co-Worker Sells Mary Kay Cosmetics
Things You Will Never Hear Alex Trebek Say
Signs You've Been Waiting in Line Too Long for 'Star Wars' Tickets
Signs You're Not Watching the Real 'Phantom Menace'
'Star Wars' Euphemisms for Masturbation
Things Bill Clinton Would Say if He Were in 'Star Wars'
Pickup Lines Used by 'Star Wars' Fans
Worst Prom Themes
Signs Your Dog Has Been Replaced By a Robot Dog
Good Things About David Duke
Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet
Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love (Clean version)
Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love (Filthy version)
Signs You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor
Little Known U.S. Government Departments
Surprises in Jesse Ventura's Autobiography
Surprises on the Bob Dylan/Paul Simon Summer Tour
Potential Problems in Moving Top5 to a New Server
You're Watching a Low-Budget Movie
Euphemisms for Impotence
Worst Words of Advice in a Commencement Speech (Part I)
Worst Words of Advice in a Commencement Speech (Part II)
Star Trek Euphemisms for Death
NATO Excuses for Bombing the Wrong Place
Little Known Fairy-Tales
Creative Ways to Advertise Cigarettes
Signs Jerry Falwell's Summer Demonizing Tour Has Begun
Rejected Las Vegas Hotel Themes
Worst Ideas For TV Summer Replacement Series
Surprises in the New Tarzan Movie
Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light
Rejected Names for Military Campaigns
Signs You Live Too Close to the Bermuda Triangle
Internet Commandments
Signs Your Town's Mayor has Mob Connections
Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
Signs You Won't Be Chosen as Roger Ebert's New Partner
Signs You're *Not* Living La Vida Loca
Signs of Special Treatment in the Military
Things Overheard at the Women's World Cup Finals
Hidden Hospital Bill Charges
Ways to Celebrate Bastille Day
Signs Your Mate is Cheating on You
Reasons the U.S. Men's Soccer Team Will Never Win the World Cup
Signs You've Been Misled by a Health Myth
Pentagon Project Ice Cream Names
Fringe Benefits of Being a Cog in the Corporate Machine
Least Popular FOX-TV Reality Shows
Signs Your Neighbor Believes Everything He/She Reads
Signs Your Local Police Academy Sucks
Differences between Woodstock '69 and Woodstock '99
Other Magical Animals
Pickup Lines Used in the Astro Lounge
Signs You're Not the Bad Boy of the Tennis Tour
Baseball Umpire Complaints
Signs It's Way Too Hot (Part I)
Signs It's Way Too Hot (Part II)
Signs Your Significant Other is a Day Trader
Rejected Superheroes
Least Popular Summer Movies
Signs You've Invested in a Bad Internet Company
Signs Your Pet is Depressed
Personalized License Plates of Celebrities
Reasons Not to Spend Your Wedding Night on the Front Row at a Bruce Springsteen Concert
Differences if Animals Played Professional Sports
Slogans for the New Millennium
Signs Your Presidential Campaign Has Too Much Money
Little Known Items in the Marlboro Miles Catalog
Signs Your TV Weather Person Is Losing It
Least Popular Attractions At Disneyland
Theories Developed by Carl Sagan While Stoned
Additions to Life's Little Instruction Book
Menu Items at the WWF Theme Restaurant
Signs This School Year is Going to Suck
Signs Someone's Been Using Your Hotmail Account
New Marketing Slogans for Hell (Part I)
New Marketing Slogans for Hell (Part II)
Differences if Nobody had Invented the Wheel
Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
Signs You Won't Win an MTV Video Award
Signs Your Football Team Won't Get to the Super Bowl
Signs You're About to Board an Unsafe Amusement Park Ride
Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
Signs Your Cat is Overweight
Overrated Things About Being a Rock Star
Signs Your Body Piercing Fetish Has Gone Too Far
Signs You Bought a Crappy Home Security System
Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
Demands of the Cartoon Characters Union
Reasons to Recommend Top5 to a Friend
Pickup Lines Used by Prince Harry
Signs You've Boarded a Bad Cruise Ship
Things on Dan Quayle's To-Do List
Worst Things About Autumn
Signs Your Kid Has a Pokemon Card Gambling Problem
Signs The Millennium Hype Has Gone Too Far
Signs Your Company Is Planning A Layoff
Pet Peeves of Pets
Rejected Action Hero Catch Phrases
Clever Ways to Defend Against a Planet-Destroying Asteroid
Signs Your Website Sucks
Most Popular Sit-Coms in Russia
Unforeseen Side-Effects of the Y2K Bug
New Slogans for the US Army
Signs You're Gambling at a Bad Casino
Changes in America Under a Warren Beatty Presidency
Sports Euphemisms for Death
Signs You Chose the Wrong Airline
Risks of Investing in the WWF
Reasons You Didn't Win the Nobel Prize This Year
Movies About Bestiality
Worst Operas
New Features in Windows 2000
Things on Ken Starr's To-Do List
Terms of Michael Jackson's Divorce Settlement
Risks of Buying a Model's Egg
Signs Your Co-worker is About to Go Postal
Upcoming Books from St. Martin's Press
Signs You're Having Trouble Adjusting to College
Cartoon Character Pickup Lines
Signs Bill Gates is Having a Mid-life Crisis
New Euphemisms for "Stupid"
Signs a Presidential Candidate is a Top 5 List Fan
Things That Won't Fit in a Crocodile's Ass
Things on Bill Gates's To-Do List
Reasons Americans are Overweight
Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict
Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movies
Rejected Pokémon Names
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Housekeeper
Ways the New James Bond Movie is More PC
Things Overheard at Medieval Medical School
Cool New Gadgets Used by James Bond
Speech Lines Written by Us, Top5, for You, Al Gore
New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants
Bad Things About Being A Headless Horseman
Things Overheard at the White House Thanksgiving Dinner
Native American Names for Celebrities
Signs Your Father is a Pimp
Signs Your Mother is a Prostitute
Signs Satan is Loose in Manhattan
Things Overheard in Seattle This Week
Signs You're Addicted to MTV
Favorite Redneck Movies
Hot Toys This Holiday Season
Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts
Reasons to Go to Work Naked
Upcoming NASA Projects
Signs You're On a Klan-Adopted Highway
Slogans for Legalized Marijuana
Rejected Game Show Ideas
Atheist Holiday Songs
Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part I)
Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)
Reasons It's Better to Shop Online
Items on the Gift Lists of Pets
Things on Charlie Brown's To-Do List
Things Overheard at the Office Holiday Party
Signs Your Neighbor is Preparing a Y2K Bunker
Things Overheard in the Year 2999
Least-Noticed Important Events of the Last 1000 Years
New Year's Resolutions of Top5 Contributors
John Rocker Pet Peeves
Things on a Y2K Survivalist's To-Do List
Signs You've Awakened in a Parallel Universe
Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well
Vanity License Plates You Wouldn't Want to be Stuck Behind in Traffic
Reasons Our Pal Dave Should Get Well Quickly
Nudist Pickup Lines
Ways Hell is Better Than Your Job
Bad Merger Ideas
Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified
Pickup Lines Used by Chefs
Dark Moments in Music History (Part I)
Dark Moments in Music History (Part II)
Bad Suspense Novel Metaphors or Similes
Signs Your Candidate's Platform Was Created by Crazy People
Pokemon Names (X-Rated)
Things Revealed by Instant Replay Review at The Super Bowl
Signs Someone's Breaking Mississippi's Boner Law
Signs You're Watching a Bad Documentary
Phrases That Sound Like "Livin' La Vida Loca"
Signs It's Way Too Cold Outside
Rejected Campbell's Soup Varieties
Rejected Sportscaster Phrases
Rejected Titles for the Next Harry Potter Book (Part I)
Rejected Titles for the Next Harry Potter Book (Part II)
Signs Your Website Was Hacked by Dumb Guys
Signs That Cupid Has Lousy Aim
Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
Surprises in Last Night's Republican Primary Debate
Movies Starring William Shatner's Toupee
Differences in the WWF's New Football League
Bugs in Windows 2000
Other Ways Philip Morris is "Working to Make a Difference"
Things Overheard at Last Night's Grammy Awards
Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date
Least Popular Microbrews
Microbrews (X-Rated)
Signs That You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire (Part I)
Signs That You *Haven't* Married a Millionaire (Part II)
Excuses for Not Releasing an Album for 20 Years
Rodeo Pickup Lines
Courses Offered at Bob Jones University
Good Things About Having a Navel
Signs Your Significant Other is Addicted to Internet Porn
Signs Your Cat is Getting Old
Signs a Game Show Host is Nuts
Reasons You Won't Be Asked to Run for Vice President
Signs You're at an AOL Theme Park
Indications Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics
Rejected TV Shows for Kids
Signs the Antichrist is a Vegetarian
Signs Your Co-worker is Not a Team Player
Signs Your College Professor is Losing It
Least Popular Street Magician Tricks
Signs Spring Break Has Arrived
Changes in the New German "Muppets"
Surprises at This Year's Academy Awards Show
Rejected Slogans for Beer
Indications Canada is in Bad Shape
Problems with Homeschooling
Euphemisms for Getting Your Period (R rated version)
Euphemisms for Getting Your Period (NC-17 rated version)
Other Rejected Children's Books
Songs on the New *N Sync CD
Movies About S&M
Alternate Terms for "Cubicle"
Dubious Choices for Concert Sponsors
Signs You're Suffering from Sudden Wealth Syndrome
Signs You're Dating a Top 5 List Contributor
Newspaper Headlines We'd Love to See
Translations of Celebrities' Chinese Tattoos
Features of www.Amish.Net
Titles for a Movie About Elian Gonzalez
Rejected Names for Anti-Impotence Drugs
Names for Anti-Impotence Drugs (X-Rated)
Celebrity Email Addresses
Signs You're on a Date With Tony Soprano
Things Elian Has Learned While in America
Things Overheard at the World Cup of Video Games
Signs the Movie You're Watching Contains Subliminal Messages (Part I)
Signs the Movie You're Watching Contains Subliminal Messages (Part II)
Celebrity Mafia Nicknames
Signs Your Memorabilia Item is a Fake
Reasons to Send Elian Back to Cuba
Reasons to Keep Elian in the USA
Things Overheard in the Disney/Time-Warner Negotiations
Possible Reasons Why You're Not Getting Laid
Adult Videos for Animals
New State Mottos (Part I)
New State Mottos (Part II)
Ways to Tell Your Parents That You're Not Graduating
Rejected Home Craft Ideas
Signs Your Computer Has a Virus
Things on Bobby Knight's To-Do List
Things We'd Like to Hear George W. Bush Say in a Speech
Big Surprises in CBS' Jesus Mini-Series (regular version)
Big Surprises in CBS' Jesus Mini-Series (Burn in Hell version)
Least Popular Summer Sports
Euphemisms for "Breaking Wind"
Signs You're Eating Genetically Modified Food
Things Overheard at the NRA's New Theme Store/Restaurant
Issues at the Million Dad March
Signs It's a Bad Year for Movies
Predictions of the TopFive.com Magic Eight Ball
Least Popular Summer Festivals
Lewd Holiday Songs
Lewd Holiday Songs (X-Rated)
Rejected Names for Gated Communities
Courses at Superhero College (Part I)
Courses at Superhero College (Part II)
Bad Ways to Celebrate World Environment Day
Things Overheard at the Prostitute Conference
Signs John Rocker Is Your Stockbroker
Reasons You're the Least Popular Survivor on Your Desert Island
Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People
Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal
Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles (Part III)
Signs You Take Your Children's Sports Too Seriously (Part I)
Signs You Take Your Children's Sports Too Seriously (Part II)
Differences Between the Old Shaft and the New One
Other Benefits of Smoking Pot
Signs Oil Companies are Intentionally Screwing Consumers
Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Chapter Titles in Philosophy for Dummies
Tourism Slogans for Sealand
Prayers of High School Students
Surprises In The Human Genome Map
Indications You're Watching a Bad Broadway Play
New Products from Philip Morris/Nabisco
Attractions at Dolly Parton's New Waterpark
Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part I)
Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quotes (Part II)
Things Overheard at ModCon
Reasons More Americans are Having Nervous Breakdowns
Exhibits in the Britney Spears Museum
Marketing Slogans for Heinz's New Green Ketchup
Surprises in the X-Men Movie
Emergency Fund-Raising Ideas for Tobacco Companies
Ways the Queen Mother Will Celebrate Her 100th Birthday
Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company (Part I)
Signs You Picked the Wrong Moving Company (Part II)
Things on the Taco Bell Chihuahua's To-Do List
X-Rated Movies About Sports (Clean version)
Movies About Sports (X-Rated)
Answers in O.J. Simpson's Live Web Q&A Session
Things Overheard at the Pitt-Aniston Wedding
Songs Napster is Singing These Days
Things Overheard at the Republican National Convention
Overlooked Survivor Survival Strategies
Rejected Names for Boy Bands
New College Degrees for the 21st Century
Signs Aliens Are Communicating With You Telepathically
Differences in Campaigning with a Jewish Running Mate
Signs Your DotCom Company is Doomed to Fail
Things Overheard at the Reform Party Convention
Attempts to Tighten Security at the Los Alamos Lab
Surprises During President Clinton's Convention Speech
Disney Movies in Hell
Fantasy Topics of TopFive Contributors (Part I)
Things Overheard at the Democratic National Convention
Fantasy Topics of TopFive Contributors (Part II)
Signs You May Not Be the Perfect Parent
Sick & Twisted Fantasy Topics of TopFive Contributors (X-Rated)
Items on the To-Do Lists of the Returning "Survivors"
Problems With Your School's Uniforms
Songs on the Survivor Soundtrack
Cool Things About Having a Beer Belly
Excuses Given by Firestone
Signs Your High School Reunion Didn't Go Well (Part I)
Signs Your High School Reunion Didn't Go Well (Part II)
Problems with Intel's New Chip
Signs You're Watching a Bad Porno Movie (PG-rated version)
Signs You're Watching a Bad Porno Movie (X-Rated)
Things Texans Do to Beat the Heat
Nasty New Computer Viruses
Signs You Won't Be the Next Teen Pop Star
Revelations in the Beatles' New Tell-All Book
Entries on Bobby Knight's Resume
Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies
Subliminal Messages in Presidential Campaign Ads
Indications It's Time to Retire from Teaching
Things Overheard During Olympics Opening Weekend
Signs You're Watching a Bad Horror Movie
Advantages of Being the World's Fastest Human
Olympic Euphemisms for Sex
Little-Known Foreign Custom Faux Pas
Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogans
Bush/Cheney Campaign Slogans
Actual Hollywood Movie Pitches
Signs Your Talk Show Is In Trouble
Advertising Slogans for Australian Brothels
Advertising Slogans for Australian Brothels (X-Rated)
Ways Anna Nicole Smith Will Spend Her $449 Million
Bill Gates Penny-Pinching Tips
Signs Your Pet is an Alien from Space
Signs Your Debate is Not Going Well
Super Powers of Celebrities
Names for Wal-Mart Wine
Science Fiction Geek Pickup Lines
Unknown Hazards Aboard Space Stations
Reasons To Be Afraid Of Your Roommate
Signs Someone Exaggerates Their Political Accomplishments
Superstitions of Dumb People
Complaints of Animal Office Workers
Things Heard at a Magic Convention
Signs Your High School Football Coach is Nuts
Celebrity Answering Machine Greetings
Euphemisms For Premature Ejaculation
Pickup Lines in Prison (X-Rated)
Pickup Lines in Prison
Rejected Adventure Movie Tag Lines
Least Useful Skills for Impressing Women
Least Useful Skills for Impressing Men
Campaign Promises We'd Like to Hear
Rejected Titles for Horror Movies
Dumbest Halloween "Tricks"
Cool Features of the Sony PlayStation 2
Signs a Candidate Desperately Wants Your Vote
Differences Under President Woody Harrelson
Signs Someone Has Cast a Spell On You
Reasons to Vote for Patrick Buchanan for President
Euphemisms for Being Pregnant
Florida Excuses for Holding Up the Election
Better Methods of Choosing a New President
Signs You're Addicted to Viagra
Indications You're Dating a Gadget Geek
Differences if the Election Were Run by Dogs
Rejected Names for Sport Utility Vehicles
Johnnie Cochran Comments on the Presidential Election
Problems With Holding an Election in Hell (Part I)
Problems With Holding an Election in Hell (Part II)
Cruel and Unusual Forms of Capital Punishment
Things Commonly Overheard at Thanksgiving Dinner
Movies About the 2000 Election
Items on Mr. Roger's To-Do List
Most Popular Courses at Beaver College (R-rated)
Most Popular Courses at Beaver College (X-Rated)
Election Dan Ratherisms
Signs Your Fraternity Brothers Don't Really Like You
Changes in a Country-Western Star Trek
Favorite Movies of Cannibals
Random Leftover List Items Found in the TopFive Junk Drawer
Complaints of Mrs. Santa Claus
Differences Between the New $20 Bill and the Old $20 Bill
Madonna Wedding Vows
Superhero Names for the Pope
Things Overheard in Washington in the Next Few Weeks
Worst Celebrity-Endorsed Gift Ideas
Foreign Mistranslations of Budweiser's "Wasssup?" Catch Phrase
Warning Labels on Toys
Holiday Limericks from Celebrities
Signs You Spent Too Much Time Following The Election
Rejected Names for Holiday TV Specials
Predicted News Stories for 2001 (Part I)
Predicted News Stories for 2001 (Part II)
Signs It's Time for Mom to Stop Breast-Feeding You
Celebrity New Year's Resolutions
Signs Your Child Wasn't Cut Out for College
Corporate Rules for Employees of Hell, Inc.
Tenets of Idiot Physics
Surprises in President Clinton's Farewell Speech
Signs Your Sexual Fetish is Out of Control
Side Effects in Genetically Engineered Monkeys
Signs Your Robbery Isn't Going Well
Signs You're NOT on Temptation Island
Terrorist Pet Peeves
Signs Your Neighbor Doesn't Care About the Environment
Signs I've Been Hosting Wheel of Fortune Too Long
Cool Things About Owning an NBA Team
Things on Al Gore's To-Do List (Molland version)
Comic Strip Character Pet Peeves
Things on Al Gore's To-Do List (TopFive version)
Star Wars Movie Lines Rejected by Censors (X-Rated)
Songs Performed by the DEA Choir
ays To Annoy George .'s Administration
Animal Dreams
Least-Known Psychological Afflictions
Changes to the White House Website
Slogans for National Condom Week (X-Rated)
Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be a Jedi
Slogans for National Condom Week
Political Valentine's Day Cards
Hidden Meanings in Commercial Slogans
New U.S. Army Weapons for 2001
Good Things About the Failing of Dot-Com Companies
Signs Your Neighbor is Using Too Much Electricity
Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant
Differences if Celebrities Were Contestants on Survivor
Secret Service Pet Peeves
Least-Quoted Lines from Shakespeare (Part I)
Least-Quoted Lines from Shakespeare (Part II)
Signs You Won't Be Selected for the Astronaut Program
Signs Your Co-Worker is Dead
Euphemisms for Corporate Layoffs
Signs Your Pet Can Read Your Mind
Answers from the Magic 8-Ball
Signs Your Soda Contains Viagra
Signs You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator
Signs Your Life Truly Sucks
TopFive.com Happy Hour Rules
Signs Your Coworker is a Spy
Famous Quotes Featuring the Word "Underpants"
Things Overheard on an Anthony Hopkins/Martha Stewart Date
Unforeseen Effects of a Hollywood Writers' Strike
Provisions in Michael Jackson's "Children's Bill of Rights"
Signs Your Penis is a Finger
Signs Your Penis is a Finger (X-Rated)
Signs Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time
Signs You're Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear
Real Statistics That We Made Up
Signs Your Office is Haunted
Rejected Cocktail Names
Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker
Rejected Album Titles
Signs Ken Has Reached Middle Age
Signs Your Cat Has "Mad Cat Disease"
Least Popular Broadway Musicals
Favorite Celebrity Dishes
Signs You've Lived With a Mathematician Too Long
Signs the President is Not Ecology-Minded
Advertising Catch Phrases That Didn't Catch On
Signs the President *is* Ecology-Minded
Worst Things to Say at Your Trial
Signs a Rapper Has Gone Nuts
Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked
Schwarzenegger-for-Governor Campaign Slogans
Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
Layoff Greeting Cards
Talking Cigarette Pack Quotes
Greatest Stoner Inventions
Personals Ads in the New York Times
Marketing Slogans for a Maternity Thong
Exhibits in the Clinton Presidential Library
Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part I)
Lines You'll Never Hear in a Western (Part II)
White House Press Quotes That Sound Dirty but Aren't
Tips for Dating the Daughter of a Mafia Guy
Chapters in Sex for Dummies
Differences if Barbra Streisand Were President
Signs Your Prom Date May Have a Transplanted Monkey Brain
Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook
Signs It's Time for Your Rock Band to Retire
Fashion Tips From TopFive Contributors
Signs Satan is Your Gym Teacher
Items on Timothy McVeigh's To-Do List
Least Popular Charitable Organizations
Signs You're Dead
Oprah Book Club Runners Up
Best Uses of a Time Machine
Signs *You* Are the Weakest Link
Worst Breakup Excuses
Clues a Beauty Contestant is Actually a Man
Tim McVeigh Last Request Ice Cream Flavors
Secrets of George W. Bush's Sex Life
Signs Your 15 Minutes of Fame are Almost Up
Things Men Don't Know About Women's Restrooms
Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush (Part I)
Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush (Part II)
Health Complaints of Disney Workers
More Realistic Senior Class Award Categories
Other Things McDonald's Hasn't Told You
Country & Western Horror Movies (Part I)
Country & Western Horror Movies (Part II)
Secret Service Code Names for the Bush Twins
Signs You'll Never Get a Star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame
What Women Don't Know About Men's Rooms
Signs Your Spy Mission is in Jeopardy
Words We Should Add to the English Language
Breakfast Cereals in Hell
Least Popular Street Names
Least Useful Scientific Experiments
Euphemisms for penis-enlargement Surgery (R-rated)
Immutable Laws of the Sitcom Universe
Things You Don't Want to Hear at the Pearly Gates
Signs Your Garage Needs to be Cleaned
Pet Superheroes
Euphemisms for penis-enlargement Surgery (X-rated)
Rejected Titles for Romantic Comedies
Signs Your Parents Don't Approve of Your Date
Signs a Boy Band Member is Depressed
Famous Quotes as Spoken in Bushonics
Signs a Reality TV Show is Getting Desperate
Other Mistakes in the Harry Potter Movie
Phrases to Avoid When Writing Your Own Wedding Vows
Signs Your Pet is Taking Viagra (R-rated)
Other Interesting Findings by Philip Morris
Pickup Lines Used by Veterinarians (R-rated)
Computer Nerd Alcoholic Beverages
Signs a TV Show is About to Jump the Shark
Signs Your Pet is Taking Viagra (X-rated)
Pickup Lines Used by Veterinarians (X-rated)
Souvenirs President Bush Brought Back From Europe
Things You'd Never Hear Your Mother Say
Clever Ways to Avoid Being Laid Off
Things Overheard Later in the Life of the Corporate-Name Baby
Dishes Found at a Cannibal Buffet
Prank Phone Calls by Animals
Songs on the Scientology Album
Dishes Found at a Cannibal Buffet (X-rated)
Recreational Activities at the Promises Rehab Center
Surprises in Bill Clinton's Memoirs
Things on a Homicidal Bartender's To-Do List
James Bond Movie Titles if Pierce Brosnan Doesn't Retire Soon
Marketing Slogans for the Ingestible Camera
Signs Your Head is Abnormally Large
Surprises in the Gary Condit Interview
Rejected Titles for Star Wars: Episode II
Things To Do With 1,000 Bras
Bad Stage Names for Strippers
Signs Your Waiter is Having a Bad Day
Signs Your Significant Other is Actually a Dog
Signs You're Attending a Party School
Sex Lessons We Can Learn From Movies
Rejected Hurricane Names Redux
Upcoming Changes to the Miss America Pageant
Names of Products Competing with Viagra
Reasons the TopFive.com Website Was Down
Things Overheard at the MTV Video Music Awards
Excerpts from a Romance Novel Written by a Science Fiction Writer
Signs Your Co-Worker is From Another Planet
Shark Attack Prevention Strategies
Signs a Politician Has Psychic Powers
Movies Featuring Smell-O-Vision
Marketing Slogans for Dung-Flavored Beer
Surprises in the Fall Movie Season
Signs New York City Has "Rudy Mania"
Chapters in NASCAR for Dummies
Surprises in Enterprise, the New Star Trek Series
Signs It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet
Bizarre Nostradamus Predictions
Suggestions from Different Groups on How to Deal with Terrorists
Worst Names for Comic Book Villains
Most Embarrassing Ways to Get Yourself Arrested
Tactics Used by Really Dumb Terrorists
Innovative Ways to Delay Orgasm
Surprise Nobel Prize Winners
Cool Ways to Tell Your Boss You're Quitting
Things on Osama bin Laden's To-Do List
Little Known U.S. History Facts
Questions to Which You Don't Want to Know the Answers
New Encroachments on Our Civil Liberties
Helpful Hints Given to the Pentagon by Hollywood (Part I)
Helpful Hints Given to the Pentagon by Hollywood (Part II)
Ways Average Americans are Helping the War Effort
Names for Drinks Containing Genitalia
Oxymorons for the 21st Century
Pet Peeves of Teachers
Signs Your Partner is Moonlighting as a Penis Puppeteer
Oxymorons for the 21st Century
Dumbest Signs of the Apocalypse
Country Western Rap Songs
Rejected Fast Food Menu Ideas
Wonder Products of the Future
Little-Known Terrorist Organizations
Changes in New York Since Mayor Giuliani Was Knighted
Attractions at the New Elian Gonzalez Museum
Grocery Store Pickup Lines
Signs Your Co-Worker Takes Science Fiction WAY Too Seriously
Biblical Passages We, Like, Totally Made Up
Rejected Slogans for Microsoft Windows XP
Signs the U.S. Economy is in a Recession
Signs a Judge is on Drugs (Part I)
Signs a Judge is on Drugs (Part II)
Signs Osama bin Laden is Nuttier Than a Fruitcake (Part I)
Characters in Star Ballz
Signs Osama bin Laden is Nuttier Than a Fruitcake (Part II)
Things a *Real* 12 Year Old Wizard Would Do
Rejected Wrestling Moves
Airport Security Pickup Lines
Differences if Your Company Were Run by Strippers
Signs Hollywood Has Run a Sequel Into the Ground
Excuses Given for Corporate Layoffs
Medieval Superheroes
Rejected Slogans for The Altria Group
Cool New Features in AOL 7.0
Amish Horror Movies
New Names for Large Corporations
Ways to Celebrate Walt Disney's 100th Birthday
Signs the Internet is Getting Full
Worst Toys This Holiday Season (Part I)
Signs Your Grandfather was a Golden Age Superhero
Worst Toys This Holiday Season (Part II)
Upcoming Movies Starring Dead Actors
Features of the Snoop Caddy
Marketing Slogans for the Segway Human Transporter
Items on a Strip Club Menu
Strom Thurmond Pickup Lines
Things on Santa's To-Do List
Songs About Osama bin Laden
Holiday Alertness Tips
Signs Your Boss is Really Stupid
Least Popular Holiday Movies
TopFive.com Predictions for 2002
Signs Your Child May Be a Terrorist
Songs Re-Written as News Headlines
Signs the Royal Family are Potheads
Signs Your Mayor is a Teenager
Interesting Concert Lineups
Surprises in the Lord of the Rings Movie
Features of the MTV Computer
Rejected Singer/Song Pairings for Gap Ads
Rejected Tag Lines for X-Rated Movies
Shows Sponsored By Hard Liquor
Signs You're in Desperate Need of Adult Supervision
Movies About Teenage Sex
Fun Things to Do While Carrying the Olympic Torch
Excuses for Premature Ejaculation
Things NOT Overheard at the Super Bowl
Least Talked-About Events in David Letterman's Twenty Years of Hosting Late-Night Television
Other Signs Your Local Police Department Has Gone Nuts
Signs Someone's Date for the High School Dance is a Playboy Playmate
Excerpts from Bad Fantasy Novels
Porno Titles Based on Recent Movies
Game Shows Before the Invention of Television
Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be in Customer Service
Events in the Taliban Olympics
Valentines from Enron Executives
Celebrity "Top Gun" Fighter Pilot Names
Selections of the Mike Tyson Book Club
Signs You Hired the Wrong Funeral Director (Part I)
Signs You Hired the Wrong Funeral Director (Part II)
Differences if Olympic Athletes Were Clowns
Signs Olympic Security Was Too Tight
Signs an Action Movie Hero is Over the Hill (Part I)
Signs an Action Movie Hero is Over the Hill (Part II)
Slogans for 48-Proof Beer
Complaints of Boy-Band Astronauts
TRULY Surprising Celebrity Revelations
Features of the Britney Spears Video Game
Reinvented Words (Part I)
Reinvented Words (Part II)
Current Events Limericks
Features of a Windows Car
Signs Your Parents Are Hippies
Pickup Lines Used by God (Part I)
Pickup Lines Used by God (Part II)
Worst People to Start a Relationship With
Heaven's Band Member Complaints (Part I)
Heaven's Band Member Complaints (Part II)
Terrorism Alert Levels
Celebrity Boxing Matches We'd Love to See
Signs You're Unfit to Be a Grandparent
Surprising Academy Awards Handed Out on Sunday
Tipper Gore Campaign Slogans
New Euphemisms for Passing Gas
Activities On-Board the Wal-Mart Dream Cruise
Appropriate Deaths for TV Characters
Songs on John Ashcroft's Greatest Hits CD
Brooklyn Weight Loss Slogans
Signs Your Community Theatre Production Isn't Going Well
Celebrity Sandwiches
Turn-Ons/Turn-Offs of Enron Women
Signs the Cast of Friends Is Getting Burned Out
Pirate Pickup Lines
"SlamBall" Rules
Signs Your Pet is Losing Its Mind (Part I)
Signs Your Pet is Losing Its Mind (Part II)
Signs a Politician Might Be Crooked
Porno Sitcom Titles (R-rated)
Porno Sitcom Titles (X-rated)
Bad Things About Dating a Monkey
Other Names for Yugoslavia
Things on Robert Blake's To-Do List
Things Overheard atOzzy Osbourne's White House Dinner
Rejected Lines from Fairy Tales (Part I)
Rejected Lines from Fairy Tales (Part II)
Things That Come with the Osama bin Laden Doll
Signs It's Time for a Pro Athlete to Retire
Snippets of Dialog from Saddam Hussein's Romantic Play
Things Overheard Backstage at Jeopardy!
Problems with Dating Spider-Man
Amazing-but-True Facts!
Names for Bill Clinton's TV Talk Show
Signs Your Co-Worker Has Star Wars Fever
Surprises in the New Kama Sutra (Part I)
Surprises in the New Kama Sutra (Part II)
Signs Your Clergyman is a Pedophile
Things Overheard in Episode II Lines
Signs You May Be Too Gullible
Things Heard on the TV Show, The O.J. Simpsons
Personal Ads to Which You Shouldn't Respond
Personal Ads to Which You Shouldn't Respond
Names for the Upcoming Rolling Stones Tour
Differences in Kung Fu Versions of Disney Movies
Changes in Movies From the Clean Video Store
Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Boss (Part I)
Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Boss (Part II)
Cool Ways to Quit Your Job
Holidays We'd Like To See
Reasons to Date Outside Your Species
Redneck Porno Movies
Signs You Should Have Stayed in Bed Today
Lines We'd LOVE to Hear in a Star Wars Movie
Movie Surprises This Year
Favorite Movies of Animals
Reasons Your Prom Sucks
Courses at Evil Overlord University
Signs You're Not Ready for Marriage
Ways Queen Elizabeth Celebrated Her Jubilee
Signs a Summer Blockbuster Is Going to Suck
Clever Responses When Your Kids Ask Where Babies Come From
Things You Never Want to Hear Your Lawyer Say (Part I)
Things You Never Want to Hear Your Lawyer Say (Part II)
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
Things We Use the Other 90% of Our Brains For
Signs Your Neighbor Has a Dirty Bomb
Problems on the Beach Boys Summer Concert Tour
Signs It's Time to Get Out of Show Business
Signs Your Neighbor Has World Cup Fever
Signs You're Actually Listening to *Schmelvis* Presley
Little-Known Rules of Beer Drinking (Part I)
Little-Known Rules of Beer Drinking (Part II)
Obscure Collective Nouns
Menu Items at the Porn Restaurant
Menu Items at the Porn Restaurant
Signs the President is Sedated
Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs
Signs Your Company Has Accounting Problems
Shows on a Feline TV Network
Corporate Executive Pickup Lines
Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk (Part I)
Signs Your Pilot Is Drunk (Part II)
Yet-To-Be-Discovered Corporate Scandals
Witty Things to Say to Your Doctor During a Pelvic or Prostate Exam
Witty Things to Say to Your Doctor During a Pelvic or Prostate Exam (X-rated)
Differences If Everybody Knew Kung Fu
Signs Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed (Part I)
Signs Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed (Part II)
Plots Rejected by Movie Studios
Ways to Commemorate the 25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death
Unforeseen Effects of Endurance Treatments
Differences on Hooters Airlines
Differences Being Married to Nicolas Cage vs. Michael Jackson
Recipes in 'The Sopranos Family Cookbook'
Non-Lethal Weapons Rejected by the Military
Signs a Country's Leader Is Nuts (Part I)
Signs a Country's Leader Is Nuts (Part II)
Other Ways to Leave Your Lover
X-Rated Ways to Leave Your Lover
Differences if a Supermodel Were President
Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tips
Things Overheard at Britney Spears's New Restaurant
Signs 'Star Trek' Characters Are Backing a Politician
Changes to the New Bionic Woman
Ironic Corporate Demises
Rules of Cyber-Romance
Things Your Pet Is Thinking
Reasons You Weren't Picked as an American Idol Finalist
Politically Corrected Album Titles
Signs Football Season Has Arrived
Signs You Bought a Bad SUV
Sex Toys Derived From Children's Stories
Sex Toys Derived From Children's Stories
Slogans for the New Traficant Campaign
Ways to Tell Someone They Have a Hygiene Problem
Poor Choices for Names of Celebrity Pets
Signs a Sports Announcer is Drunk
Rejected Party Games
Songs About Fruits or Vegetables
Rejected Ben and Jerry's Flavors Named for Musicians
Pieces of Creepy Wedding Advice
Books Banned from Public Schools (Part I)
Books Banned from Public Schools (Part II)
Euphemisms for Putting Your Parents in a Nursing Home
Worst Fortune Cookie Messages to Which to Append the Words 'In Bed'
Least-Loved Smurfs (Part I)
Least-Loved Smurfs (Part II)
Headlines on Hip-Hop CNN
Worst-Selling Bumper Stickers
Least Convincing Reasons to Start a War
Signs You've Purchased the Wrong Robot Maid
Worst Things to Say to a One-Night Stand the Next Morning
Signs You're About to Be Fired
Exhibits in the Museum of Sex
Code Names for the Invasion of Iraq
Campaign Slogans for a Blue Candidate
Reasons Married People Are Happier than Single People
Good Things About Being a Virgin
Least Popular Fitness Classes
Least-Loved Peanuts TV Specials (Part I)
Least-Loved Peanuts TV Specials (Part II)
Future Quotes from Grandparents
News Headlines Involving Monsters or Demons
Things You'll Never Hear a Zombie Say
Worst Spokesperson Choices
Least Appropriate Songs for a Porno Soundtrack
Signs Your Pet is a Terrorist
Rejected Bond Girl Names
Challenges on 'Celebrity Fear Factor'
Rejected Taglines for Holiday Movies
Things Overheard During Winona Ryder's Shoplifting Trial
Quotes from Yoda's Pre-'Star Wars' Career (Part I)
Quotes from Yoda's Pre-'Star Wars' Career (Part II)
Differences in the New 'Harry Potter' Movie
Headlines from the Year 2025 (Part I)
Headlines from the Year 2025 (Part II)
Not-So-Popular Movie Sequels
Favorite Movies of Clowns
Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be a Figure Skater
Things You'll Never Hear James Bond Say
Least Popular 'Chicken Soup' Books
Things TopFive Contributors Have to Be Thankful For
Signs the Pirated DVD You Bought Is a Fake
Least Popular Beatles Collectibles
Lines Edited Out of Dr. Seuss Books
Things Overheard During a Redneck Holiday Season
Signs Someone's Overly Excited About the Holiday Season
Favorite Movies of Supermodels
Cruise Line Marketing Slogans
Elf Pet Peeves (Part I)
Elf Pet Peeves (Part II)
Signs You Don't Take Rejection Well
Excerpts from Badly Written Holiday Stories
Pairs of Words That Should Never Appear in the Same Sentence
Signs Santa is Sick of Christmas (Part I)
Signs Santa is Sick of Christmas (Part II)
Homeland Security Christmas Cards
Slogans for Hooters Air
Signs the Internet Is No Longer a Teenager
Things on Rael's To-Do List
Favorite Country-Western Songs of Geeks (Part I)
Favorite Country-Western Songs of Geeks (Part II)
Things We Have vs. Things We Wish We Had
Things We Wish We Had vs. Things We Have
Questionable Product/Song Advertising Pairings (Part I)
Questionable Product/Song Advertising Pairings (Part II)
Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show
Differences If the Super Bowl Featured Real Pirates
Signs Your Teacher Is a Drug Dealer
Least-Known Benefits of Masturbation
Signs You're Reading a Stephen King Children's Book
Excuses for 2003
Pickup Lines Used by Robots
Favorite Movies of the Bush Administration
Under-Appreciated Everyday Superpowers
Sex Game Shows
X-Rated Sex Game Shows
Clever Names for Cloning Companies
Signs Your School Is Sponsored By a Corporation
Miracles Performed by the Patron Saint of the Internet
Ways to Celebrate Darwin Day
Signs Your Website Won't Win a Webby
Valentine Cards
X-Rated Valentine Cards
Signs the Guy You're Dating Isn't Really a Millionaire
Differences Under President Michael Jackson
Movies in Which Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks Kill Each Other
Signs Your Child Is a Secret Agent
Signs You've Had Too Much Cosmetic Surgery
Ape Love Songs
Ways Americans Handle Danger
Signs You're Eating NASCAR Cereal
Ways the Letter P Kicks Butt Over the Letter R
Rejected Department of Homeland Security Slogans
Signs You're Living in a Sitcom
Signs Your Travel Agent Has Misled You
Least-Popular Circus Sideshow Attractions
Signs Your House May Be Haunted
Spam Subject Lines We'd Like to See
Spam Subject Lines We'll See in the Future
Pet Peeves of Newborns
Titles for Madonna's Children's Books
Rhymes in the Dubya/Saddam Debate Rap-Off
Metric System Conversion Hints for Americans
Things Overheard at Playboy's "Women of Starbucks" Photo Shoot
Euphemisms for Losing Your Virginity (X-rated)
Euphemisms for Losing Your Virginity (R-rated)
Signs Reality TV Has Jumped the Shark
Things Said by Celebrities During Sex
Names for Hip-Hop Drinks
Signs You're at a Dog Brothel
Signs Your SUV Is Too Damn Big (Part I)
Signs Your SUV Is Too Damn Big (Part II)
Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History
Signs Your Grandparents Are Swingers
Fifty Amazing-but-True Facts!
Differences if Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan
Quotes From the Cowboy Bible
Things That Suck About Being Saddam's Body Double (Part I)
Things That Suck About Being Saddam's Body Double (Part II)
Poor Responses to the Question "Does This Make Me Look Fat?"
Political Ice Cream Flavors
Signs You're Wearing Something Made of Poop (X-rated)
Signs You're Wearing Something Made of Poop (R-rated)
Ironic Protest Signs
Things Overheard at the Masters Golf Tournament
Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex
Quotes From the Iraqi Minister of Information (Part I)
Quotes From the Iraqi Minister of Information (Part II)
Signs the Glass Is Half Empty
Ways to Describe How Someone Likes Their Coffee
REASONS WE'RE SHOUTING!!!
Limericks About Saddam Hussein's Mustache
Signs Your Invention Is a Failure
Signs Your Co-Worker Is Moonlighting as a Pro Wrestler
Leftist Country-Western Song Titles
Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink (Part I)
Signs You're Seeing the Wrong Shrink (Part II)
Signs the Terrorists Have Already Won
Least Successful Restaurant Chains
Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union
Things That Can Get a Gal Banned From the Women's Union
Least-Visited Exhibits at the Science Fiction Museum
Movies We'd Like to See This Summer
Other Wacky Changes Proposed by PETA
Concert Lineups We'd Like to See
Missing Parts of Movie Ad Quotes
Signs You May Be a Bad Driver
Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (R-rated)
Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon (X-rated)
Programs on Spike TV
Signs Your Doctor's Degree Is Bogus (Part I)
Signs Your Doctor's Degree Is Bogus (Part II)
Things You Seldom Hear Rappers Say
Differences on a Naked Airline Flight
Changes if the Matrix Films Were Cast With Other Actors
Things Overheard at the Cannes Film Festival
Signs Your Dog Is No Longer Your Best Friend
Worst Names for Boats
Signs a Newspaper Reporter Isn't Being Completely Honest
Songs by the Beagles
Video Games We'd Like to See
Movies About the Man From Nantucket (X-rated)
Movies About the Man From Nantucket (R-rated)
Commencement Speech Quotes
U.S. Excuses for Not Finding Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq
Country-Western Rap Artists
NASCAR Vanity License Plates
Backhanded Compliments (Part I)
Backhanded Compliments (Part II)
Worst "Line Extension" Products
Other Grave Mistakes Martha Stewart Has Made
Revelations in Hillary Clinton's Autobiography
Driving Haikus
Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part I)
Signs a Video Game Is Too Realistic (Part II)
Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part I)
Surprises at the Comic Strip Character 25-Year Reunion (Part II)
Children's Stories Written by Ruthless Killers
Pink Slip Text Messages
Differences in Naked Sports
Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)
Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (X-rated version)
Signs Your Roommate Is Dead
Fish Dirty Movie Titles
Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part I)
Reasons Top5 Has Never Insulted You (Part II)
Cities Named by Potheads
Signs Your Online Romance Is Bogus
Programs on the Liberal TV Network
Programs on the Conservative TV Network
Signs Your Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient
Prison Movies Starring Martha Stewart
Signs Someone You Know Has Pirate Fever
Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part I)
Things We Wish We Had Never Said (Part II)
Things Overheard at a Naked Biker Rally
Signs Larry King Has Lost His Mind
Questions Asked by Someone Who Just Awoke From a 19-Year Coma
Historical Spam Subject Lines
Movie Quotes Translated to Haiku (Part I)
Movie Quotes Translated to Haiku (Part II)
Things Heard on Straight Eye for the Queer Guy
Signs You're Drinking a Chick Beer
Snippets of Bad Film Noir Dialogue (Part I)
Snippets of Bad Film Noir Dialogue (Part II)
Things Overheard in New York City During the Blackout
Rejected Flash Mob Events
Things You'll Never Say a Second Time
Penis Dishes (R-rated version)
Penis Dishes (X-rated version)
Arnold Schwarzenegger/Gary Coleman Campaign Slogans
Angelyne/Mary Carey Campaign Slogans
Gallagher/Larry Flynt Campaign Slogans
Peter Ueberroth/Arianna Huffington/Mathilda Spak Campaign Slogans
Cruz Bustamante Campaign Slogans
Things Observed at Harley-Davidson's 100th Anniversary Bash
Signs Your History Teacher Isn't Very Qualified
Desperate Tourism Slogans
Macho Ways to Express a Break-up
Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well (Part I)
Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well (Part II)
Rejected McDonald's Slogans
Surprises in the Arnold Oui Interview
Board Games for Rappers
English Pop Songs Mistakenly Banned in Thailand
Signs Your Team Is Sponsored by a Brothel (Part I)
Signs Your Team Is Sponsored by a Brothel (Part II)
Things to Say at Work on Talk Like a Pirate Day
Signs Your Favorite Baseball Team Has Given Up
Celebrity-Written Books Whose Titles Would Invite Lawsuits
Alternate Taglines for Anna Kournikova's New Sports Bra
Other Teen Bumper Stickers
Rejected Fall TV Shows
Signs Your Classmate Is a Stripper
Ben & Jenny's Ice Cream Flavors
Advantages of Cialis Over Viagra (Part I)
Advantages of Cialis Over Viagra (Part II)
Reasons for the Absurdly Long Delay of the TopFive Book
Poems About This Fan Letter
Songs About the California Recall Election
Changes in California Under Governor Schwarzenegger
Toys Banned by the Saudi Religious Police
Upcoming David Blaine Stunts
God Billboards We'd Like to See (Part I)
God Billboards We'd Like to See (Part II)
Indications Your Family Camping Trip Isn't Going Well
Taglines for Movies Featuring Unlikely Action Heroes
Other Celebrity-Endorsed Products
Tips for Temporary Bachelors
Dishes Made With Poo (Mildly Disgusting version)
Dishes Made With Poo (Absolutely Sickening version)
Dishes Made With Poo (Certified Nausea-Inducing version)
In-Ring Putdowns by Wrestler Bill "The Bard" Shakespeare
Quotes From Animal Romance Novels (Part I)
Quotes From Animal Romance Novels (Part II)
Quotes From Animal Romance Novels (X-rated version)
Titles for the Roy Horn Tiger-Attack TV Movie-of-the-Week
Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy
Other Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy
Movies Starring Dogs (Part I)
Movies Starring Dogs (Part II)
Pickup Lines of the Undead
Pickup Lines of the Undead (X-rated)
Reasons You Weren't Inducted Into the College of Cardinals
Real-Life Motivational Slogans
Signs Your Dog Is a Fascist
Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)
Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part II)
Signs Something's Gone Wrong in Your Vegas Show
Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Slutty Daughters
Songs About Cannibalism (Part I)
Songs About Cannibalism (Part II)
Rejected Titles for Michael Jackson's New CD
Songs From the Star Wars Musical
Possible Scandals Involving Prince Charles
TopFive's Thanksgiving Dinner Advice
Unreleased Disney Movies (R-rated)
Unreleased Disney Movies (X-rated)
Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson's Thanksgiving Holiday
Signs Your Classmates Are on Viagra (Part I)
Signs Your Classmates Are on Viagra (Part II)
Faux Pas Committed at Tailgate Parties
Things Overheard at a Hip-Hop Scrabble Tournament
Signs You're Staying at a NASCAR Hotel
Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part I)
Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II)
Rejected TV Holiday Specials
Signs You're Not Getting a Bonus This Year
Things on Saddam Hussein's To-Do List
Euphemisms for Holiday Overeating
Hip Hop Holiday Songs
Worst Gifts for Celebrities
Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties
New Year's Resolutions of TopFive Contributors
Things Overheard on Britney Spears's Honeymoon
Quotes We Wish Were in the Lord of the Rings Movies
George W. Bush Space Proposals
Law Firms to Avoid (Part I)
Law Firms to Avoid (Part II)
Other Pete Rose Confessions
Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey
Signs Your Pet Is a Reincarnated Celebrity
Interesting Movie Triple Features
Signs a Stuntperson Is Over the Hill
Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated)
Dishes Containing Condoms (X-rated)
Indications You May Have the Bird Flu
Misguided Sequels (Part I)
Misguided Sequels (Part II)
"Sorry Your Team Lost the Super Bowl" Greeting Cards
Surprises in the Super Bowl Halftime Show
Things Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl
Most Realistic Video Games for Teenagers
Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List
Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth
Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old
Signs Your Pet Has Been Doing Drugs
Things Overheard at an Animal Hotel (Part I)
Things Overheard at an Animal Hotel (Part II)
Predictions for 2004 (Part I)
Predictions for 2004 (Part II)
Rhymes in the Al-Qaeda Rap Song
Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent
Lessons We've Learned in 10 Years of Doing This
List Submissions Found Behind the TopFive Refrigerator
Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party
Reasons We Love Disco
Signs Your Sergeant Is a Commie
Surprises at the Oscars
Things Overheard at Post-Oscar Parties
Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part I)
Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part II)
Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter
Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List
Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect
Signs the Groom Is Dead
Selected Passages From the 20th Annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering
Johnnie Cochran Arguments in the Penis-Enlargement Trial (R-rated)
Johnnie Cochran Arguments in the Penis-Enlargement Trial (X-rated)
Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America
Things Overheard on St. Patrick's Day
Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town
Ways We Stick It to The Man
Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas
Signs Spring Break Has Hit Your Town
Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part I)
Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part II)
Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends
Songs by the Rolling Bones
Things Overheard While Top5 List Contributors are Having Sex
The Top 25 Whatever
Features of a Car Designed for Women
George W. Bush Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See
John Kerry Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See
Signs a School Lunch Has Been Spiked
Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap
Movies About Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Halftime Show
Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities
Personal Ads Placed by Animals
Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
Scenes in The Passion of the Scientologists
Books Written for Children of Liberals
Books Written for Children of Conservatives
Cereals for Substance Abusers
Rejected Commandments (Part I)
Rejected Commandments (Part II)
Least Cool Ways to Die
Signs You're a Slut
Things One Might Hear on NRA Radio
Celebrity Contributions to Humanity
Manufactured Controversies
Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung
Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month
Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice
Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech
Least Successful Fad Diets
Recent Secret Service Busts
Signs the Call Center Employee You're Dealing With Is Overseas
Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Parent-Teacher Conference
Apology Cards for the Bush Administration to Send to Iraqi Prisoners
"Safe Porn" Movies (R-rated)
"Safe Porn" Movies (X-rated)
Pick-Up Lines Used by News Anchors
Titles in Cosmo's Spirituality Column
Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal
Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part I)
Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part II)
Ways We Can Stick It to the Oil Companies
Things We Miss the Most About High School
Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part I)
Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part II)
Signs a Clown Is Hiding Dark Secrets
Companies Using Poo-Power
Signs You Have Too Many Children
Slogans for MTV Condoms
Appropriate Ways to Die on the Job
Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles (Part III)
Signs You Were Conceived From Old Sperm
Iraqi Wines
Ways We Celebrated the Olsen Twins' 18th Birthdays
Mistakes Made by Dumb Kidnappers
Things Overheard at the Pearly Gates
Features of the Queen Mary 2 Running Windows
Famous Movie Quotes Re-Written as Haiku (Part III)
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics
Indications Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty
Worst Jobs in Show Business
Signs You've Had Too Much to Drink
Signs Your Neighbor Is a Mad Scientist
Songs From Dracula: The Musical!
Signs a Co-Worker's Not Really Into Hip-Hop
Complaints of Zombies
Differences If America Were Still Under British Rule (USA version)
Differences If America Were Still Under British Rule (UK version)
Beatles Songs Re-Written for Country-Western Artists
Differences Under President J.Lo
Alternate Titles for Fahrenheit 9/11 (Right-Wing Wacko version)
Alternate Titles for Fahrenheit 9/11 (Left-Wing Loon version)
Euphemisms for Slacking at Work
Signs the Reality TV Craze Is Out of Control
Things Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference
Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade
Reasons for Masturbating in Court (Part I)
Reasons for Masturbating in Court (Part II)
Songs for Viagra Commercials
Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday
Signs You're a Woman Trapped in a Man's Body (Part I)
Signs You're a Woman Trapped in a Man's Body (Part II)
Signs You're a Man Trapped in a Woman's Body (Part I)
Signs You're a Man Trapped in a Woman's Body (Part II)
Things Overheard During Saddam's Trial
Changes in Barbie's Life Now That She Has a New Boyfriend
City Slogans (Part I)
City Slogans (Part II)
Signs You're a Lousy Street Performer
Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
Excuses Given by the USA Men's Olympic Basketball Team
Worst Jobs in the Olympic Village
Signs You're Becoming Obsessed With the Olympics
Olympics Events We'd Like to See
Reasons for Low Attendance at the 2004 Olympics
Events in the 2004 Political Olympics
Rejected Titles for the New Star Wars Film (Part I)
Rejected Titles for the New Star Wars Film (Part II)
Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese
Things Overheard at the Republican National Convention
Signs You're Being Rescued by David Lee Roth
Famous Movie Quotes as *Remembered* by President Bush
Famous Movie Quotes as *Spoken* by President Bush
Interesting Celebrity Anagrams (Part I)
Interesting Celebrity Anagrams (Part II)
Signs the Department of Homeland Security Is Getting Outdated Information
Amish Comedian Punchlines
Things Overheard at the Burning Man Festival
Movies Starring Monkeys (Part I)
Movies Starring Monkeys (Part II)
Fake Urine Products
Hurricane-Name Combinations
Shows in the Terrorist TV Network's New Fall Lineup
Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part I)
Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part II)
Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products
Signs a Jury Is High
Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino
Reasons to Shop for a Casket at Costco (Part I)
Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate
(Undecided version)
Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate
(Righty version)
Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate
(Lefty version)
Reasons to Shop for a Casket at Costco (Part II)
Signs Pamela Anderson Is Your Sunday School Teacher
Rejected Portions of the Dick Cheney Oath
Things Overheard at D&D's 30th Birthday Party
Ways Our Lives Would Be Different Without Numbers
Things Overheard in Martha Stewart's Cell
Differences Between a Chicken's Neck and a Penis (R-rated)
Differences Between a Chicken's Neck and a Penis (X-rated)
Signs You're Drinking a Caffeinated Beer
Signs Your School Is Serving Liquor
Worst Lines From Romantic Comedies
Rejected Slogans for the Nader Campaign
Compromise Date Movies
Programs on PinkTV
Songs About Robots
Signs Your Co-Workers Have Discovered Your Secret Identity
Signs Florida Is Preparing to Screw Up the Election Again
Least Popular Halloween Treats
Reasons You Really Shouldn't Wear that Halloween Costume
Signs Your TV Is Posessed by Evil Spirits
Differences If the President Were an Animal
Shots Fired During the Presidential Race
Things Overheard at Polling Places Today
Things to Expect During a Second Bush Term
Election-Related Headlines
Signs the Left Is Unhappy With the Election Results
Things We Would Have Seen Under a Kerry Administration
Signs Gas Is Too Damn Expensive
Reasons We're Not Watching the Miss America Pageant
Differences Between BooKs and BooBs (Part II)
Differences Between BooKs and BooBs (Part II)
Terrorist Perfumes
Homeland Security Measures Adopted for the Holiday Season
Clever Turkey Thanksgiving Quips
Lesser-Known Food Miracles
Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part I)
Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part II)
Indications a Celebrity Isn't Legit
Worst Baby Nursery Themes
Hotel Chains in Hell
Things Preventing You From Winning a Nobel Prize
Bad Ideas for a Siegfried and Roy Replacement Act
Signs an Athlete Is About to Lose It
Signs Someone's Having Sleep Sex
Other Ways to Say "Duh!"
Classic Rock Christmas Carols (Part I)
Classic Rock Christmas Carols (Part II)
Signs You're Not Spending Your Lotto Winnings Wisely
Things NOT to Say at Your Company's Holiday Party
Signs the Holiday Season Has People Stressed Out (Part I)
Signs the Holiday Season Has People Stressed Out (Part II)
Signs a Drug Should Be Recalled
Things Overheard at ClausCo International
Holiday Songs for People Who Hate the Holidays
Rejected College Bowl Affiliations
Items in TopFive's End-of-Year Clearance Sale
Reasons 2005 Is Totally Going to Suck
Reasons 2005 Is Totally Going to Rock
Lines From Animal Movies (Part I)
Lines From Animal Movies (Part II)
People We Can Do Without
Slogans for America's Fattest Cities
Non-Lethal Weapons Considered by the U.S. Military
Lines We'd Like to Hear in Horror Movies
Signs Your Hooker Has a College Education
Five-Word Movie Reviews
Euphemisms for "Friend With Benefits"
Least Popular Museum Exhibits
Things to Watch for on Super Bowl Sunday
Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now (Part I)
Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now (Part II)
Things in Common Between Disney World and the Playboy Mansion
Valentine's Day Romance Tips
Candy Heart Sayings We'd Like to See
Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tips
Signs You Got a Bad Dog Show Judge (Part I)
Signs You Got a Bad Dog Show Judge (Part II)
Entries in Paris Hilton's Address Book
Other Famous Dumb Paintings
Surprises During Last Night's Academy Awards
Signs You've Got the Bird Flu
Songs Played in the Michael Jackson Trial's Jury Room
Things on Bill Gates the Knight's To-Do List
Signs Your City's Not So Bright
Monkey Celebrities
Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant
Signs You're in a Bad Hospital
Things on Robert Blake's To-Do List
Cruise Lines Euphemisms for Viral Outbreaks
Signs You Have March Madness
Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids (Part I)
Signs Someone You Know Is on Steroids (Part II)
Special Moments During the 2005 Baseball Season
Amazing-but-True Facts!
Johnnie Cochran Epitaphs
Band Sequels (Part I)
Band Sequels (Part II)
Signs Your Fast Food Order Has Been Outsourced
Things Blocking You From Becoming the Next Pope
Bad Directives to Put in Your Living Will
Small Ways to Get Even
Excuses for Licking Someone's Head
Names for the Mall Prostitution Store (R-rated)
Names for the Mall Prostitution Store (X-rated)
Worst Ways to Celebrate Earth Day
Things Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding
Reasons to Replace the Leader of a Nation
Signs You Are Worshipping GodZILLA, Not God
Signs Your Favorite Band Has Lost Something
Things Overheard on the White Collar Comedy Tour
Little Known Phobias (sequel)
Biggest Surprises Upon Awakening From a 10-Year Coma
Things Celebrity Moms Received for Mother's Day
Things Overheard in Hitler's Bunker
Worst Cable Network Reality TV Series
Paris Hilton Pet Peeves (Part I)
Paris Hilton Pet Peeves (Part II)
Movie Product Placements You May Not Have Noticed
Biggest Surprises in the New Star Wars Movie
Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
Differences Between Star Wars and Star Trek
Star Wars Euphemisms for Anal Sex
Worst Coffee-Table Books
Signs You're Not Cut Out for Parenthood
Phrases Not to Use in First-Date Dinner Conversation (Part I)
Phrases Not to Use in First-Date Dinner Conversation (Part II)
Reasons Your Show Didn't Win a Tony
Things on Michael Jackson's To-Do List
Ways Michael Jackson Can Repair His Image
Ways to Identify a Hybrid Man
Signs Tom Cruise Has Gone Nuts
Changes in the New War of the Worlds
Rejected Cereal Mascots
Euphemisms for Wasting Time
Horror Movies Involving Virus-Laden Poo (R-rated version)
Horror Movies Involving Virus-Laden Poo (X-rated version)
Things Overheard at the Live 8 Concerts
Rejected Vacation Postcard Captions
Signs Your Life Is Running in Reverse
Signs the "Today" Show Is Getting Stale
Things We'll Be Doing During Our Break
Side Effects of the Heat Wave (Part I)
Side Effects of the Heat Wave (Part II)
Interesting Mashups
New Endings to the Phrase "It's all fun and games until...."
Signs Your Baby Hates You
Signs Your New S.O. Is Not Really a Celebrity
Bad Lines for Your Parents' Day Speech
IMs We'd Rather Not Receive
Favorite Songs of the Bush Administration
Things You Don't Want to Hear at an Amusement Park
Ways TopFive Has Changed Over the Years
Rejected August Holidays
Established Scientific Concepts as Reinterpreted by Creation Scientists
Ill-Advised Movie Prequels (Part I)
Ill-Advised Movie Prequels (Part II)
Rejected Car Names
Worst Hybrid Ad Campaigns
Worst Hybrid Ad Campaigns for ED Drugs (X-rated!)
Things to Do Before You Die
Ballpark Jumbotron Messages We'd Like to See
Songs to Play on International Talk Like a Pirate Day
Things "FEMA" Might Actually Stand For
Suggested Replacements for Mardi Gras
Positive Effects of Hurricane Katrina
Differences Now That Britney's a Mom
Adult Movies Starring Mike Tyson (R-rated)
Adult Movies Starring Mike Tyson (X-rated)
Signs Your Pet Is a Secret Agent
Signs You're Playing Too Much Poker
Professional Ways to Say, "I Have a Headache"
Stories in the Flying Spaghetti Monster Bible
Better Taco Bell Slogans
Reasons Your Home Office Is Not Working Out
Signs It's Tom Cruise's Child
Signs It's Not Tom Cruise's Child
Things Not to Do While Drinking (Part I)
Things Not to Do While Drinking (Part II)
Blond 007 Moments
Prison Ice Cream Flavors
Signs Country Music Has Jumped the Shark
Signs Your Halloween Party Isn't Going Well
Celebrity Halloween Treats
Signs a Supreme Court Justice Nominee Isn't Qualified
Gay "Star Trek" Quotes (R-rated)
Gay "Star Trek" Quotes (X-rated)
Movies About the 2008 Election
Signs It's Opposite Day
Phrases You Never Want to Hear From Your Best Friend (Part I)
Phrases You Never Want to Hear From Your Best Friend (Part II)
Things a Talking Car Would Say
Signs You've Been in College Too Long
Movies About Thanksgiving (Part I)
Movies About Thanksgiving (Part II)
Thanksgiving Haikus
Things Overheard in Stores on "Black Friday"
Features of the Microsoft Xbox 360
Things on Bad Santa's To-Do List
New Year's Day Carols
Headlines We'd Rather Not See in 2006 (Part I)
Headlines We'd Rather Not See in 2006 (Part II)
Businesses Jesus Would Patronize
Cookies in Hell
How-To Books to Avoid
Gay Cowboy Movies (Part I)
Gay Cowboy Movies (Part II)
Gay Cowboy Movies (X-rated)
Easiest Jobs in Show Business
Signs Your Supreme Court Nomination Hearings Aren't Going Well
Problems With Your New Face Transplant
Signs Your Showbiz Career Isn't Taking Off
Excerpts From Embellished Memoirs
Unfortunate Celebrity Pet Names
Cell Phone Movies (Part I)
Cell Phone Movies (Part II)
Differences If the World Were Ruled by Robots
Reasons Your TV Show Was Cancelled
Super Bowl Ads We'd Like to See
Things Heard During the Super Bowl That Sounded Dirty, But Weren't
Surprises During This Year's Super Bowl
iBoob Songs (Part I)
iBoob Songs (Part II)
Valentine's Day Breakup Haikus
Amazing-but-True Valentine's Day Facts
Signs the Bush Administration Wants to Kill You
Signs James Bond Is Losing His Masculinity
Other Famous Cartoon Controversies
Dick Cheney Huntin' Songs (Part I)
Dick Cheney Huntin' Songs (Part II)
Signs You've Screwed Up and Lost the Olympic Gold Medal
Least-Likely Phrases in Marital Expectations Contracts
Differences If I, Chris White, Were President (Part I)
Oscar Predictions
Secret Thoughts of the Oscar Statuettes
Differences If I, Chris White, Were President (Part II)
Products You Should Leave on the Supermarket Shelf (X-rated)
Products You Should Leave on the Supermarket Shelf (R-rated)
Rejected Opening Lines for Novels (Part I)
Rejected Opening Lines for Novels (Part II)
Signs You're in a "Twilight Zone" Episode
Songs Played on WHOR (R-rated)
Songs Played on WHOR (X-rated)
Tourist Attractions in Hell (Part I)
Tourist Attractions in Hell (Part II)
Bogus Charities
Pieces of Bad Advice for Expectant Parents
Signs It's Time to Move Out of Your Parents' House
Bad Choices for a Nom de Porn (R-rated)
Bad Choices for a Nom de Porn (X-rated)
Signs You Just Aren't Paying Attention
Realistic Cell Phone Company Ad Pitches
Signs Your Mom Is Actually Your Dad
Marijuana-Laced Food Products
Evangelical Christian Wrestlers (Part I)
Evangelical Christian Wrestlers (Part II)
Celebrity Cell Phone Scandals
Rejected Children's Books About Death (Part I)
Rejected Children's Books About Death (Part II)
Signs You Aren't Cutting It as Mr. Mom
Verses in the Gospel According to TopFive
Hazardous Disney Attractions
Lines From Pirated DVDs (Part I)
Lines From Pirated DVDs (Part II)
Changes Under a Wal-Mart-Run Health Care System
Songs on the "Snakes on a Plane" Soundtrack
Realistic Prom Themes
Dating Celebrity Name Mash-ups
Signs You're a Starbucks Addict
DVDs for Rent at Fast Food Restaurants (Part I)
DVDs for Rent at Fast Food Restaurants (Part II)
Surprises in Mission: Impossible III
Rejected Ideas for Raising President Bush's Approval Ratings
Signs a College-Student Author Is a Plagiarist
Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Ninja
Vocational College Cheers
Things Valedictorians Should Omit From Their Speeches (Part I)
Things Valedictorians Should Omit From Their Speeches (Part II)
Names of Britney's Nude Superhero Character
Surprises in The Da Vinci Code
Things a Talking Bill Clinton Doll Would Say
Signs You Haven't Quite Mastered That Foreign Language
Signs the World Cup Is About to Start
Marketing Slogans for Canned Air (Part I)
Marketing Slogans for Canned Air (Part II)
Signs Your Local Terrorists Are Inept
Beatles Lyrics About Divorce
Animal Species Nicknamed After Famous People
Things to Do on 6/6/06
Ice Cream Flavors for Drunks
Little-Known Facts About the Avian Flu
Signs You're a Redneck Scientologist
Signs a Sports Team Has Been Born Again
Rejected "Gore for President 2008" Campaign Slogans
Signs Dad Just Doesn't Give a Crap Anymore (Part I)
Signs Dad Just Doesn't Give a Crap Anymore (Part II)
Favorite Movies of Peeping Toms (R-rated)
Favorite Movies of Peeping Toms (X-rated)
Signs Americans Drink Way Too Damn Many Soft Drinks
Benefits to Working in an Apple Sweatshop
Songs Played on the iCarta (X-rated)
Songs Played on the iCarta (R-rated)
Surprises in "Superman Returns"
Menu Items to Avoid at Musician-Owned Restaurants
Most Popular Gadgets in the Year 2025
Patriotic Pickup Lines
Songs About the Light-Bulb Guy's Plight (Part I)
Songs About the Light-Bulb Guy's Plight (Part II)
Ken Lay Epitaphs
Things Overheard Monday in Italy and France
Plagiarized Ann Coulter Quotes
Things TopFive Contributors Will Be Doing During Our Break
Potential Hazards of Organ Transplants
Signs Your High School Reunion Is Going Badly
Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson (Part I)
Proposed Movies Starring Mel Gibson (Part II)
Things Overheard at the Anderson/Rock Wedding
Positive Aspects of a Scorching Heat Wave
Web Acronyms We'd Like to See (Part I)
Web Acronyms We'd Like to See (Part II)
Signs You're Watching a Bad Romantic Comedy
Songs on Paris Hilton's CD
Posts on the Iranian President's Blog
Uses for 4,000 Barbie Dolls
Pickup Lines Used by MySpace Pervs
Signs You've Hired a Bad Nanny
Sequels to "Snakes on a Plane" (Part I)
Sequels to "Snakes on a Plane" (Part II)
Mnemonic Devices We Could Have Used for a 12-Planet Solar System
Signs You're Dealing With a Real Assclown
Things Overheard in the Life of the Man With Two Penises (R-rated)
Things Overheard in the Life of the Man With Two Penises (X-rated)
Problems With Teaching a Dog to Drive
Real-World Translations of Marketing Slogans (Part I)
Real-World Translations of Marketing Slogans (Part II)
Alternate Names for a Smokers' Airline
Least Historically Accurate Moments in "The Path to 9/11"
Rejected Katie Couric Closing Lines
New Features to Perk Up iPod Sales
Wreath Inscriptions at Steve Irwin's Funeral (tasteful)
Wreath Inscriptions at Steve Irwin's Funeral (tacky)
Signs Your S.O. Is a Pirate
Least Scary Horror Movies (Part I)
Least Scary Horror Movies (Part II)
Songs on the Naked Cowboy's Album
Differences in Hell Under President Bush
Signs You've Thrown in With the Wrong Cult
Tourism Slogans for Nakedtown
Signs a Barista Is Losing It
Rejected Pentagon Slogans
Signs You're About to Be Dumped (Part I)
Signs You're About to Be Dumped (Part II)
IM Lines Sent by Mark Foley (mild version)
IM Lines Sent by Mark Foley (spicy version)
Corrections to Famous Quotes
Benefits of Smoking Pot
Songs Sung by a Pissed-Off Barbra Streisand
Questions on the New Army Recruitment Exam
Pickup Lines Used in Las Vegas (mild version)
Pickup Lines Used in Las Vegas (spicy version)
Booger Recipes
Veggie Tales Episodes We'd Like to See
Favorite Movies of Robots
Signs Your Halloween Party Is Sucking
Slogans for Nudist Resorts
Possible Titles for the Next Indiana Jones Movie
Other Possible Titles for the Next Harrison Ford Movie
Signs Your Political Campaign Is in Big Trouble
Other Ways to Be Patriotic on Election Day
Rejected Names for Windows Vista
Things on Britney's To-Do List
Things on K-Fed's To-Do List
Spun Election Headlines
Signs Your Kids Watch Too Much TV
Better Titles for O.J. Simpson's New Book
Things Overheard on TomKat's Wedding Day
Thanksgiving Dishes Served in Celebrity Homes
Replacements for the O.J. Special (Part I)
Replacements for the O.J. Special (Part II)
TV Shows Starring Michael Richards
Side-Effects of the Global Orgasm for Peace
Important Questions to Ask at a Job Interview
Little-Known Holiday Facts
Amazing-but-True Holiday Facts
Favorite Christmas Carols of Celebrities
Things Overheard at the North Pole Toy Factory (Part I)
Things Overheard at the North Pole Toy Factory (Part II)
Signs Your Family's Celebrating a Nontraditional Holiday Season
Signs You're at a Bad Office Holiday Party
Toys for Bad Kids (Part I)
Toys for Bad Kids (Part II)
Downsides to Owning Your Own Small Country
Companies Selling Cloned Food
Differences in a Communist Wal-Mart
Justin Timberlake Movies We'd Like to See
Barack Obama Campaign Slogans
Signs a Humor List Is Now a Teenager (Part I)
Signs a Humor List Is Now a Teenager (Part II)
Miracles Performed by Tom Cruise
Oscar Nominations We'd Like to See
Differences Under President *Hillary* Clinton
Signs You're at a Lame Super Bowl Party
Names for the Day-After-the-Super-Bowl Holiday
Signs Someone Has a Super Bowl Hangover
Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part I)
Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)
Signs an Astronaut Has Gone Nuts
Things Overheard on Valentine's Day
White House Valentine Cards
Movie Re-Makes Starring Britney Spears (Part I)
Movie Re-Makes Starring Britney Spears (Part II)
X-Rated Movie Re-Makes Starring Britney Spears
Reasons Tim Hardaway Hates Gay People
Things Overheard on the JetBlue Plane Delayed 10 Hours
Things Seen at Hollywood Oscar Parties
Things No Longer Taught in Kansas Science Classes
Really Dumb Patents
Closing Statements in a Clown Killer Trial
Clown Mafia Nicknames
Signs You're Fighting Alongside Royalty
Historical Changes Made Possible by Scientology
Benefits to Having More Daylight
Worst Names for Strip Clubs (Part I)
Worst Names for Strip Clubs (Part II)
Signs We're Losing the War on Drugs
St. Patrick's Day Pick-Up Lines
Things Overheard During March Madness
Signs a Bartender's Gone Crazy
Signs You're a Victim of Identity Theft
Terrorist Acts to Which Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Has Admitted
Beatles Songs If They'd Been Recorded for Starbucks
Signs You're a Lousy Pickup Artist
Rejected Names for Bottled Water (Part I)
Rejected Names for Bottled Water (Part II)
Pet Peeves of "American Idol" Contestants
Things TopFive Contributors Did During April (Part I)
Things TopFive Contributors Did During April (Part II)
30 Rock Spinoffs Starring Alec Baldwin
Surprises in Spider-Man 3
Worst Promotional Ideas
Things Overheard in Paris Hilton's Jail
Bad Ideas for Baby Einstein DVDs
Last Words of Jerry Falwell (Part I)
Last Words of Jerry Falwell (Part II)
Summer Movie Taglines
Songs About Global Warming
Worst College Mascots (Part I)
Worst College Mascots (Part II)
Rejected Prom Themes
Worst TV Season-Ending Cliffhangers
Celebrity Scandals We'd Like to See
Rejected TV Shows About Sex (regular version)
Rejected TV Shows About Sex (Certified Filthy! version)
Internet Movie Quotes
Sports Movies We'd Like to See
Surprising Things Learned in College
Euphemisms for Getting a Bikini Wax
Pickup Lines at a Substance Abuse Clinic
Worst Opening Lines of a Military Novel
Lessons Learned From Comic Books
Things Harry Potter Would Do With a Law Degree
Names for Britney's Comeback Album
Signs Your Celebrity Child Isn't Doing Well in Prison
Things That Don't Ease Your Fear of Flying
Productive Things to Do With That Third Arm Growing Out of Your Back
Signs a Presidential Candidate Is an Actor
Ways to Improve Doctor/Nurse Relations
Things Heard Backstage at a Recent Paul McCartney Concert
Summer Replacement TV Series in Hell
Signs Your Pet Is Addicted to the Internet
Surprise Features of the iPhone (Part I)
Surprise Features of the iPhone (Part II)
Hollywood Euphemisms for "Pregnant"
Signs Your Sci-Fi Blockbuster Is Going to Bomb
Songs Heard at Live Earth
New Jobs in the Harry Potter Universe
Newly Discovered Talents of Kim Peek, the Rain Man
Signs You're Having a Lousy Summer
Guesses at the Last Line of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" (Part I)
Guesses at the Last Line of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" (Part II)
Songs in the Movie "Hairspray"
Ways Chris Is Feeling His Mortality
Job-Hunting Tips
Signs of Progress in Iraq
Names of One-Hour Boob Job Stores
Bad Icebreaker Lines
Signs Imported Goods Aren't Up to Snuff
Indications an Astronaut Is Drunk (Part I)
Indications an Astronaut Is Drunk (Part II)
Poor Responses to the Question "Are You Seeing Someone Else?"
Possibly Dangerous Toys
Signs a Survival Expert Is Faking It
Indications a Referee Is Crooked
Things We're Happy About
Things on Karl Rove's To-Do List
Proposed Product Renamings
Songs Van Halen *Should* Play
Signs the Fans Hate You
Songs on Michael Vick's iPod
Bill Murray Excuses
Things a Parent With Two Dozen Kids Might Say
Reasons Los Angeles Still Has No Professional Football Team
Barbie Porn Movies (R-Rated)
Barbie Porn Movies (X-Rated)
Revised Movie Quotes Used in Advertisements
Democrat Election '08 Bumper Stickers
Republican Election '08 Bumper Stickers
Differences at a Russian Starbucks (Part I)
Differences at a Russian Starbucks (Part II)
Baby Superheros and Supervillains
Names for a Naughty High School Musical (R-Rated)
Names for a Naughty High School Musical (X-Rated)
Surprises in General Petraeus's Report
Movie Casting Choices That Were Meant to Be
Signs Your Barber Is Crazy
Things Not to Say Around Your Fantasy Football Buddies
Things to Say at Home on Talk Like a Pirate Day
OJ Simpson Defense Rhymes
Euphemisms for Game-Show Host Vomiting
Ways to Get a Celebrity Convicted in California
Songs on a Pay-What-You-Want Album
Clauses in the Living Wills of Celebrities
Names for Enema Cocktails (Part I)
Names for Enema Cocktails (Part II)
Names for Enema Cocktails (X-Rated)
Attractions at a Sex Fair
Books About Nudists
Books About Nudists (Part II)
X-Rated Books About Nudists
Pickup Lines of the Undead
Favorite Movies of Divorce Lawyers
Pickup Lines Used on a City Bus
Signs Your Co-Worker Is Obsessive-Compulsive
Scariest New Halloween Costumes
Things Heard at the Delivery of the 17-Pound Baby (Part I)
Things Heard at the Delivery of the 17-Pound Baby (Part II)
Reasons to Excommunicate Nuns
Big Secrets of Harry Potter Characters
Reasons a British Super Bowl Is a Bad Idea
Other Surprises in Matt Barrett's Presentation
Updated Answers to "Where Do Babies Come From?"
Signs You've Become Too Involved With an Appliance
Silent Reflections of High School Students
Surprises in the Royal Family Blackmail Video
Causes of California's Enormous Wildfires
Chuck Norris Campaign Suggestions
Thanksgiving Carols
Least-Loved Thanksgiving Dishes
Little-Known Uses for Leftover Thanksgiving Food
Failed Celebrity Restaurants
Differences If Celebrities Stalked Fans
Signs It's a Porn Actor's First Day (R-rated)
Signs It's a Porn Actor's First Day (X-rated)
Questions Lesley Stahl Did Not Get to Ask the French President
Things Overheard on the Striking Writers' Picket Line
Demands of Striking TopFive Writers
Jesus Campaign Slogans (Part I)
Jesus Campaign Slogans (Part II)
Surprises in Televangelists' Financial Records
Signs You're a Blue Stater Living in a Red State
Signs You're a Red Stater Living in a Blue State
Ways to Sabotage a Beauty Pageant
President Bush Ideas to Speed Up Holiday Travel
Things Hanging on Celebrities' Christmas Trees
Signs Santa Needs to Lose Some Weight (Part I)
Signs Santa Needs to Lose Some Weight (Part II)
Santa Pick-Up Lines
Amazing-but-True Holiday Facts for 2007
The 12 Lamest Days of Christmas
The 12 Days of an Internet Porn Christmas
The 12 Days of a Hollywood Christmas
The 12 Days of a Bush Administration Christmas
The 12 Days of a Music Industry Christmas
Complaints of Mall Santas
Shows on MTV Arabia
Inspirations Behind Hit Songs
Signs You're Not All That Green (Part I)
Signs You're Not All That Green (Part II)
Predicted Scandals of 2008
Positive Incontinence Slogans (Part I)
Positive Incontinence Slogans (Part II)
Worst Fan Club Perks
Signs Your Teacher Is a Porn Star
Interesting Things About the New Frank Sinatra Stamp
Best Things to Happen to Men in 2007
Best Things to Happen to Women in 2007
Worst Things to Happen to Men in 2007
Worst Things to Happen to Women in 2007
Movies About Online Dating
Movies About Online Sex
Movies About Online Sex (X-Rated)
Dark Moments in Super Bowl History
Amazing-But-True Super Bowl Facts
Songs Found on the Taser/MP3 Player (Part I)
Songs Found on the Taser/MP3 Player (Part II)
Ways Candidates Can Attract the Youth Vote
Signs the Apocalypse Is Nigh
Scientologist Bumper Stickers
Movies at the Baghdad Film Festival
Bad Cupid's Valentine Card Limericks
Pet Peeves of Cupid
Celebrity Epitaphs
Things We Really Don't Want to Know (Part I)
Things We Really Don't Want to Know (Part II)
"Girls Gone Wild" Competitors
"Girls Gone Wild" Competitors (X-Rated)
Surprise Revelations From the CIA Videotape Investigation
Titles for the Upcoming Oliver Stone Movie About George W. Bush
Celebrity Rapper Names
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Fitness Coach
Movies About Flatulence (Part I)
Movies About Flatulence (Part II)
Things Overheard at Gary Coleman's Wedding
Bad Passages From Chick Lit Novels
Colors Used in Amy Winehouse Cosmetics
Fidel Castro Retirement Plans
Presidential Primary Monster Movies
Rejected Oprah Book Club Books
Courses at McDonald's High School
Prison-Themed Games
New Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part I)
New Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part II)
IT Acronyms We'd Love to See (Part I)
IT Acronyms We'd Love to See (Part II)
Most Sparsely Attended Tech Conferences
Signs Your Website Is Not Very 2.0
Ways Hong Kong Disneyland Differs From Other Disney Parks
The NEW TopFive 2.0! (April Fools!)
Signs Your Virtual World Account Has Been Hacked
Signs a TV Show's Cast Has Been Smoking Weed
Reasons to Spend Two Years on a Toilet (Part I)
Reasons to Spend Two Years on a Toilet (Part II)
Things Overheard at a Tech Conference
Passages From a Fake Gang Memoir (Part I)
Passages From a Fake Gang Memoir (Part II)
Geek Bumper Stickers (Part I)
Geek Bumper Stickers (Part II)
DMV Slogans
Worst Biblical Movies Ever (Part I)
Worst Biblical Movies Ever (Part II)
Election 2008 Haikus
Signs You Might Be in a Cult
Signs an Airline Is About to Fold
Pointless Presidential Debate Questions
Scary Romantic Comedies (Part I)
Scary Romantic Comedies (Part II)
Signs the Driver in Front of You Is a Kid
Broadway Plays Staged in a Restroom
Boeing Excuses for the 787 Dreamliner Delays
Tipoffs a Wartime Memoir Is Fake
Proposed Names for the Gas Tax Holiday
Things Overheard at Jenna Bush's Wedding
Proposed Names for the Beverly Hills 90210 Spinoff
Classic Rock Songs on the Viagra Singers Set List (X-Rated)
Classic Rock Songs on the Viagra Singers Set List (R-Rated)
Ways We at TopFive Are Helping to Save the Environment
Favorite Movies of Short People
Signs Someone's Not Qualified to Be a Superhero (Part I)
Signs Someone's Not Qualified to Be a Superhero (Part II)
Signs a Soldier Has Spent Time in the Joint
Signs You're in Ron Paulville
Sex-Themed Reality Series (R-rated)
Sex-Themed Reality Series (X-rated)
Bizarre Moments in the "Sex and the City" Movie
Least-Loved Mystery Novels (Part I)
Least-Loved Mystery Novels (Part II)
Signs It's Almost Summer
Dangers of Electric Cars
Famous Concert Attractions From the Past
Drug Names We'd Like to See
Worst-Selling Sharper Image Products (Part I)
Worst-Selling Sharper Image Products (Part II)
Signs You've Gotten Enough Rain
Fitting Burials
Surprises in Scott McClellan's Book
Positive Things President Bush Has Done
Songs on the New Guns N' Roses Album
Signs You Need a New Car
Phrases You Can't Say on TV (X-rated)
Outsourced Newspaper Headlines From India
Fun Facts About Chinese Hip-Hop
Things Found in Bill Gates's Desk
Ways Modern-Day Americans Can Declare Their Independence From England (Part I)
Ways Modern-Day Americans Can Declare Their Independence From England (Part II)
Things Overheard at the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest
Marketing Slogans for a Fake Grandchild Doll
Good Things About Summer School
Out-of-Office E-Mails We'd Like to See (Part I)
Out-of-Office E-Mails We'd Like to See (Part II)
Worst Names for Celebrity Babies
Favorite Movies of Nudists
Surprises in the Verne Troyer Sex Video
Bad Choices for Yacht Names
Names for Small-Market NBA Teams (Part I)
Names for Small-Market NBA Teams (Part II)
Differences in a World Without Men
Proposed Events for the 2008 Office Olympics
Dr. Kevorkian Campaign Slogans (Part I)
Dr. Kevorkian Campaign Slogans (Part II)
Picnic Pick-up Lines
Reasons We're Whispering (Part I)
Reasons We're Whispering (Part II)
Signs Your Summer Camp Has a Killer on the Loose
Things You Can Learn About Sex by Watching the Olympics
Restaurant Good Signs/Bad Signs
Things Overheard in Mathlete Locker Rooms
Events in the Intergalactic Olympics
Signs You Hired the Wrong Legal Secretary
Songs About the Beijing Olympics
Military Recording Artists
Bad Internet Pickup Lines
Signs You're Working Too Hard