It doesn't vibrate, but it'll have to do.
October 16, 1998
The Top 14 Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget
- $12,500 for 535 subscriptions to "Cigar Aficionado"
- $75,000 for "Environmental Cleanup" (Oval Office Scotchguard Applicator)
- $1 million for research to determine how to pronounce "Slobodan Milosevic"
- $18 to renew Jesse Helms's subscription to Spice Girls Magazine, buried in the Senate food budget under "Condiments"
- $129,112 for maintenance and upkeep on Animatronic Al Gore
- $150,000 Senate basement renovation, including tunnel to Hooters
- $50 million for Independent Counsel to begin investigation of any Democrat who might ever consider running for president
- $150,000 for formaldehyde IV for Strom Thurmond
- $15 for Buddy's new leash, and $150 for Bubba's, under "Budgetary Restraints"
- $18,500 for a new pick-up truck for Janet Reno
- $10,000 for funding of the Annual Tip O'Neill Memorial Corn Dog-eating Contest on the Senate floor
- $1.29 to get Arafat his *own* tin of Altoids
- $2 billion offer for New Jersey to leave the United States -- no questions asked
and the Number 1 Hidden Item in the New U.S. Budget...
- $50,000 toilet seat? Check.
$85,000 lug wrench? Check.
$40 million porn novel? Check.
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Selected from 110 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 1 (6th #1)
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 2 Email
- Jennifer Markes, West Hollywood, CA -- 3 Email
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 4 Email
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 6, 11 Email
- JB Leibovitch, Oakland, CA -- 7, 8
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 7 Email / Website
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 9 Email
- Jon Litfin, Columbus, OH -- 10 Email
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 10, 13 Email
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 10, Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Paul Paternoster, Los Altos Hills, CA -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- 12
- M.J. Finan, Cleveland, OH -- 13 Email
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 14
- Peter Rogers, Boston, MA -- Banner Tag
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic Email
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Eric Johnson, Austin, TX -- Ambience
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