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Be amused. Be very amused.
October 22, 1998
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson recently had his
license to box reinstated. It had been suspended after he bit off a
sizeable chunk of Evander Holyfield's right ear during a championship bout.
The Top 14 Conditions of Mike Tyson's Reinstatement
- Stand by Grammy podium to whup up Wu Tang Clan interlopers as needed.
- Before leaving the ring, must stop to pick up any bloody chunks of flesh he's left lying around.
- "Tyson's Law" passed ensuring Ross Perot, Dumbo, Will Smith, and various members of the Easter candy community receive notification when Mike visits their respective towns.
- Must find the murderer or murderers of ex-wife Robin Givens' acting career.
- Manager's hair cannot exceed the maximum height of 12 inches.
- Stop acting like someone who gets hit in the head for a living, for cryin' out loud!
- Every time he hits below the belt a spanking will be administered by Richard Simmons.
- Nutritional labeling required on all his opponents.
- Not allowed to congregate with 2 or more Dallas Cowboys after sunset.
- Remaining eight teeth must be extracted.
- Lay off the helium prior to press conferences.
- Absolutely no fights with Mr. Spock.
and the Number 1 Condition of Mike Tyson's Reinstatement...
- Must substitute for ring announcer Michael Buffer for 10 fights, saying, "WET'S GET WEADY TO WUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMBLE!"
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Selected from 125 submissions from 46 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Alan Wagner, Pittsburg, KS -- 1 (2nd #1)
- Gerard McDonald, New Haven, CT -- 2
- Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA -- 3, Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Ann Bartow, Dayton, OH -- 3
- Steve Maybo, Carlsbad, CA -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Email / Hall of Famer
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 6
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 7 Email
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 8 Email
- Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA -- 9 Email / Hall of Famer
- Shel Rozan, Montreal, Quebec, Canada -- 10 Email
- John Treusch, Burlington, NJ -- 11
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 12 Email / Website
- Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE -- 13
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- Topic Hall of Famer
- Peter Rogers, Boston, MA -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- LL Cool J, St. Albans, NY -- Ambience
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