If You Read It Here, It's Gotta Be True
November 24, 1998
The Top 13 Signs Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You
- As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, "Dammit!"
- Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got your syrup right here!"
- After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company, the only acting gig you can land is as "dead crack ho" on a UPN movie of the week.
- Only after you're committed to the mental hospital for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.
- That's too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder.
- The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just *completely* unacceptable!
- Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.
- You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.
- You're out of work, you bang your head every time you get in the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.
- Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train." Angel on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable."
- Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.
- Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Guardian Angel Doesn't Like You...
- On one shoulder, a little red devil says, "Go ahead, let her do it. No one will ever know!" And from the other shoulder, you hear, "That's right, Tubby -- and besides, you're the President!"
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Selected from 97 submissions from 38 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA -- 1, 6 (4th #1) Email
- Christopher Troise, New York, NY -- 2 Email
- Jeff Downey, Raleigh, NC -- 3 Email
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 4 Email / Hall of Famer
- Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 5 Email / Website
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 7
- John Treusch, Burlington, NJ -- 8
- Matt Loiselle, Detroit, MI -- 9 Email
- Paul Paternoster, Los Altos Hills, CA -- 9 Email / Hall of Famer
- Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 9 Email
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 9
- Martell Stroup, Boston, MA -- 10 Email
- Patrick Douglas Crispen, Univ of Alabama -- 11 Email / Website
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 12 Email / Hall of Famer
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 13
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- Banner Tag
- Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Doug Johnson, Santa Cruz, CA -- Topic Email / Hall of Famer
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Aerosmith, Boston, MA -- Ambience
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