February 9
Things in Common Between Disney World and the Playboy Mansion
February 8
Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now (Part II)
February 7
Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now (Part I)
February 4
Things to Watch for on Super Bowl Sunday
February 2
Euphemisms for "Friend With Benefits"
January 31
Least Popular Museum Exhibits
January 28
Five-Word Movie Reviews
January 27
no new list today
January 26
Signs Your Hooker Has a College Education
January 25
January 24
Lines We'd Like to Hear in Horror Movies
January 21
Non-Lethal Weapons Considered by the U.S. Military
January 20
Slogans for America's Fattest Cities
January 19
People We Can Do Without
January 18
Lines From Animal Movies (Part II)
January 17
Lines From Animal Movies (Part I)
January 1-16
on hiatus
December 31
Reasons 2005 Is Totally Going to Rock
December 30
Reasons 2005 Is Totally Going to Suck
December 29
Items in TopFive's End-of-Year Clearance Sale
December 28
Rejected College Bowl Affiliations
December 27
Holiday Songs for People Who Hate the Holidays
December 23
Things Overheard at ClausCo International
December 22
Signs a Drug Should Be Recalled
December 21
Signs the Holiday Season Has People Stressed Out (Part II)
December 20
Signs the Holiday Season Has People Stressed Out (Part I)
December 17
Things NOT to Say at Your Company's Holiday Party
December 16
Signs You're Not Spending Your Lotto Winnings Wisely
December 15
Classic Rock Christmas Carols (Part II)
December 14
Classic Rock Christmas Carols (Part I)
December 13
Other Ways to Say "Duh!"
December 10
Signs Someone's Having Sleep Sex
December 9
Signs an Athlete Is About to Lose It
December 8
Bad Ideas for a Siegfried and Roy Replacement Act
December 7
Things Preventing You From Winning a Nobel Prize
December 6
Hotel Chains in Hell
December 3
Worst Baby Nursery Themes
December 2
Indications a Celebrity Isn't Legit
December 1
Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part II)
November 30
Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part I)
November 29
Lesser-Known Food Miracles
November 25-26
Holiday -- no lists
November 24
Clever Turkey Thanksgiving Quips
November 23
Homeland Security Measures Adopted for the Holiday Season
November 22
Terrorist Perfumes
November 19
Differences Between BooKs and BooBs (Part II)
November 18
Differences Between BooKs and BooBs (Part I)
November 17
Reasons We're Not Watching the Miss America Pageant
November 16
Signs Gas Is Too Damn Expensive
November 15
Things We Would Have Seen Under a Kerry Administration
November 8-12
Out of the office.
November 5
Signs the Left Is Unhappy With the Election Results
November 4
Election-Related Headlines
November 3
Things to Expect During a Second Bush Term
November 2
Things Overheard at Polling Places Today
November 1
Shots Fired During the Presidential Race
October 29
Differences If the President Were an Animal
October 28
Signs Your TV Is Posessed by Evil Spirits
October 27
Reasons You Really Shouldn't Wear that Halloween Costume
October 26
Least Popular Halloween Treats
October 25
Signs Florida Is Preparing to Screw Up the Election Again
October 22
Signs Your Co-Workers Have Discovered Your Secret Identity
October 21
Songs About Robots
October 20
Programs on PinkTV
October 19
Compromise Date Movies
October 18
Rejected Slogans for the Nader Campaign
October 15
Worst Lines From Romantic Comedies
October 14
Signs Your School Is Serving Liquor
October 13
Signs You're Drinking a Caffeinated Beer
October 12
Differences Between a Chicken's Neck and a Penis (R-rated)
Differences Between a Chicken's Neck and a Penis (X-rated)
October 11
Things Overheard in Martha Stewart's Cell
October 8
Ways Our Lives Would Be Different Without Numbers
October 7
Things Overheard at D&D's 30th Birthday Party
October 6
Rejected Portions of the Dick Cheney Oath
October 5
Signs Pamela Anderson Is Your Sunday School Teacher
October 4
Reasons to Shop for a Casket at Costco (Part II)
October 1
Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate(Undecided version)
Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate(Righty version)
Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate(Lefty version)
September 30
Reasons to Shop for a Casket at Costco (Part I)
September 29
Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino
September 28
Signs a Jury Is High
September 27
Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products
September 24
Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part II)
September 23
Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part I)
September 22
Shows in the Terrorist TV Network's New Fall Lineup
September 21
Hurricane-Name Combinations
September 20
Fake Urine Products
September 17
Movies Starring Monkeys (Part II)
September 16
Movies Starring Monkeys (Part I)
September 15
Things Overheard at the Burning Man Festival
September 14
Amish Comedian Punchlines
September 13
Signs the Department of Homeland Security Is Getting Outdated Information
September 10
Interesting Celebrity Anagrams (Part II)
September 9
Interesting Celebrity Anagrams (Part I)
September 8
Famous Movie Quotes as *Remembered* by President Bush
Famous Movie Quotes as *Spoken* by President Bush
September 7
Signs You're Being Rescued by David Lee Roth
September 6
Holiday -- no list today.
September 3
Things Overheard at the Republican National Convention
September 2
Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese
September 1
Rejected Titles for the New Star Wars Film (Part II)
August 31
Rejected Titles for the New Star Wars Film (Part I)
August 30
Events in the 2004 Political Olympics
August 27
No list today
August 26
Reasons for Low Attendance at the 2004 Olympics
August 25
Olympics Events We'd Like to See
August 24
Signs You're Becoming Obsessed With the Olympics
August 23
Worst Jobs in the Olympic Village
August 20
Excuses Given by the USA Men's Olympic Basketball Team
August 19
Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up
August 18
Signs You're a Lousy Street Performer
August 17
City Slogans (Part II)
August 16
City Slogans (Part I)
August 1-15
July 30
Changes in Barbie's Life Now That She Has a New Boyfriend
July 29
Things Overheard During Saddam's Trial
July 28
Signs You're a Man Trapped in a Woman's Body (Part II)
July 27
Signs You're a Man Trapped in a Woman's Body (Part I)
July 26
Signs You're a Woman Trapped in a Man's Body (Part II)
July 23
Signs You're a Woman Trapped in a Man's Body (Part I)
July 22
Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday
July 21
no list today
July 20
Songs for Viagra Commercials
July 19
Reasons for Masturbating in Court (Part II)
July 16
Reasons for Masturbating in Court (Part I)
July 15
Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade
July 14
Things Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference
July 13
Signs the Reality TV Craze Is Out of Control
July 12
Euphemisms for Slacking at Work
July 9
Alternate Titles for Fahrenheit 9/11 (Left-Wing Loon version)
July 8
Alternate Titles for Fahrenheit 9/11 (Right-Wing Wacko version)
July 7
Differences Under President J.Lo
July 6
Beatles Songs Re-Written for Country-Western Artists
July 5
Holiday -- no list today
July 2
Differences If America Were Still Under British Rule (USA version)
Differences If America Were Still Under British Rule (UK version)
July 1
Complaints of Zombies
June 30
Signs a Co-Worker's Not Really Into Hip-Hop
June 29
Songs From "Dracula: The Musical!"
June 28
Signs Your Neighbor Is a Mad Scientist
June 25
Signs You've Had Too Much to Drink
June 24
Worst Jobs in Show Business
June 23
Indications Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty
June 22
Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics
June 21
Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator
June 18
Famous Movie Quotes Re-Written as Haiku (Part III)
June 17
Features of the Queen Mary 2 Running Windows
June 16
Things Overheard at the Pearly Gates
June 15
Mistakes Made by Dumb Kidnappers
June 14
Ways We Celebrated the Olsen Twins' 18th Birthdays
June 11
Iraqi Wines
June 10
Signs You Were Conceived From Old Sperm
June 9
Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles (Part III)
June 8
Appropriate Ways to Die on the Job
June 7
Slogans for MTV Condoms
June 4
Signs You Have Too Many Children
June 3
Companies Using Poo-Power
June 2
Signs a Clown Is Hiding Dark Secrets
June 1
Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part II)
May 31
May 28
Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part I)
May 27
Things We Miss the Most About High School
May 26
Ways We Can Stick It to the Oil Companies
May 25
Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part II)
May 24
Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part I)
May 21
Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal
May 20
Titles in Cosmo's Spirituality Column
May 19
Pick-Up Lines Used by News Anchors
May 18
"Safe Porn" Movies (R-rated)
"Safe Porn" Movies (X-rated)
May 17
Apology Cards for the Bush Administration to Send to Iraqi Prisoners
May 14
Sorry, no new list today.
May 13
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Parent-Teacher Conference
May 12
Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code
May 11
Signs the Call Center Employee You're Dealing With Is Overseas
May 10
Recent Secret Service Busts
May 7
Least Successful Fad Diets
May 6
Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech
May 5
Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice
May 4
Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month
May 3
Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung
April 30
Manufactured Controversies
April 29
Celebrity Contributions to Humanity
April 28
Things One Might Hear on NRA Radio
April 27
Signs You're a Slut
April 26
Least Cool Ways to Die
April 23
Rejected Commandments (Part II)
April 22
Rejected Commandments (Part I)
April 21
Cereals for Substance Abusers
April 20
Books Written for Children of Conservatives
April 19
Books Written for Children of Liberals
April 16
Scenes in The Passion of the Scientologists
April 15
Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows
April 14
Personal Ads Placed by Animals
April 13
Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities
April 12
Movies About Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Halftime Show
April 9
Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap
April 8
Signs a School Lunch Has Been Spiked
April 7
No list published
April 6
John Kerry Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See
April 5
George W. Bush Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See
April 2
Features of a Car Designed for Women
April 1
The Top 25 Whatever
March 31
Things Overheard While Top5 List Contributors are Having Sex
March 30
Songs by the Rolling Bones
March 29
Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends
March 26
Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part II)
March 25
Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part I)
March 24
Signs Spring Break Has Hit Your Town
March 23
Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas
March 22
Ways We Stick It to The Man
March 19
Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town
March 18
Things Overheard on St. Patrick's Day
March 17
Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America
March 16
Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
March 15
Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
March 12
Johnnie Cochran Arguments in the Penis-Enlargement Trial (X-rated)
Johnnie Cochran Arguments in the Penis-Enlargement Trial (R-rated)
March 11
Selected Passages From the 20th Annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering
March 10
Signs the Groom Is Dead
March 9
Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect
March 8
Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List
March 5
Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter
March 4
Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part II)
March 3
Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part I)
March 2
Things Overheard at Post-Oscar Parties
March 1
Surprises at the Oscars
February 27
Signs Your Sergeant Is a Commie
February 26
Reasons We Love Disco
February 25
Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party
February 24
List Submissions Found Behind the TopFive Refrigerator
February 23
Lessons We've Learned in 10 Years of Doing This
February 20
Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent
February 19
Rhymes in the Al-Qaeda Rap Song
February 18
Predictions for 2004 (Part II)
February 17
Predictions for 2004 (Part I)
February 16
February 13
Things Overheard at an Animal Hotel (Part II)
February 12
Things Overheard at an Animal Hotel (Part I)
February 11
Signs Your Pet Has Been Doing Drugs
February 10
Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old
Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth
February 6
Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List
February 5
Most Realistic Video Games for Teenagers
Things Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl
February 3
Surprises in the Super Bowl Halftime Show
"Sorry Your Team Lost the Super Bowl" Greeting Cards
January 30
Misguided Sequels (Part II)
January 29
Misguided Sequels (Part I)
Indications You May Have the Bird Flu
Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated)
Dishes Containing Condoms (X-rated)
Signs a Stuntperson Is Over the Hill
January 23
Interesting Movie Triple Features
January 22
Signs Your Pet Is a Reincarnated Celebrity
Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey
Other Pete Rose Confessions
January 16
Law Firms to Avoid (Part II)
January 15
Law Firms to Avoid (Part I)
January 14
George W. Bush Space Proposals
January 13
Quotes We Wish Were in the Lord of the Rings Movies
January 12
Things Overheard on Britney Spears' Honeymoon