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TopFive.com
Previous Top 5 Lists

February 9

Things in Common Between Disney World and the Playboy Mansion

February 8

Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now (Part II)

February 7

Things the Super Bowl MVP Is Going to Do Now (Part I)

February 4

Things to Watch for on Super Bowl Sunday

February 2

Euphemisms for "Friend With Benefits"


January 31

Least Popular Museum Exhibits

January 28

Five-Word Movie Reviews

January 27

no new list today

January 26

Signs Your Hooker Has a College Education

January 25

no new list today

January 24

Lines We'd Like to Hear in Horror Movies

January 21

Non-Lethal Weapons Considered by the U.S. Military

January 20

Slogans for America's Fattest Cities

January 19

People We Can Do Without

January 18

Lines From Animal Movies (Part II)

January 17

Lines From Animal Movies (Part I)

January 1-16

on hiatus


December 31

Reasons 2005 Is Totally Going to Rock

December 30

Reasons 2005 Is Totally Going to Suck

December 29

Items in TopFive's End-of-Year Clearance Sale

December 28

Rejected College Bowl Affiliations

December 27

Holiday Songs for People Who Hate the Holidays

December 23

Things Overheard at ClausCo International

December 22

Signs a Drug Should Be Recalled

December 21

Signs the Holiday Season Has People Stressed Out (Part II)

December 20

Signs the Holiday Season Has People Stressed Out (Part I)

December 17

Things NOT to Say at Your Company's Holiday Party

December 16

Signs You're Not Spending Your Lotto Winnings Wisely

December 15

Classic Rock Christmas Carols (Part II)

December 14

Classic Rock Christmas Carols (Part I)

December 13

Other Ways to Say "Duh!"

December 10

Signs Someone's Having Sleep Sex

December 9

Signs an Athlete Is About to Lose It

December 8

Bad Ideas for a Siegfried and Roy Replacement Act

December 7

Things Preventing You From Winning a Nobel Prize

December 6

Hotel Chains in Hell

December 3

Worst Baby Nursery Themes

December 2

Indications a Celebrity Isn't Legit

December 1

Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part II)


November 30

Names for Roller Derby Chicks (Part I)

November 29

Lesser-Known Food Miracles

November 25-26

Holiday -- no lists

November 24

Clever Turkey Thanksgiving Quips

November 23

Homeland Security Measures Adopted for the Holiday Season

November 22

Terrorist Perfumes

November 19

Differences Between BooKs and BooBs (Part II)

November 18

Differences Between BooKs and BooBs (Part I)

November 17

Reasons We're Not Watching the Miss America Pageant

November 16

Signs Gas Is Too Damn Expensive

November 15

Things We Would Have Seen Under a Kerry Administration

November 8-12

Out of the office.

November 5

Signs the Left Is Unhappy With the Election Results

November 4

Election-Related Headlines

November 3

Things to Expect During a Second Bush Term

November 2

Things Overheard at Polling Places Today

November 1

Shots Fired During the Presidential Race


October 29

Differences If the President Were an Animal

October 28

Signs Your TV Is Posessed by Evil Spirits

October 27

Reasons You Really Shouldn't Wear that Halloween Costume

October 26

Least Popular Halloween Treats

October 25

Signs Florida Is Preparing to Screw Up the Election Again

October 22

Signs Your Co-Workers Have Discovered Your Secret Identity

October 21

Songs About Robots

October 20

Programs on PinkTV

October 19

Compromise Date Movies

October 18

Rejected Slogans for the Nader Campaign

October 15

Worst Lines From Romantic Comedies

October 14

Signs Your School Is Serving Liquor

October 13

Signs You're Drinking a Caffeinated Beer

October 12

Differences Between a Chicken's Neck and a Penis (R-rated)

October 12

Differences Between a Chicken's Neck and a Penis (X-rated)

October 11

Things Overheard in Martha Stewart's Cell

October 8

Ways Our Lives Would Be Different Without Numbers

October 7

Things Overheard at D&D's 30th Birthday Party

October 6

Rejected Portions of the Dick Cheney Oath

October 5

Signs Pamela Anderson Is Your Sunday School Teacher

October 4

Reasons to Shop for a Casket at Costco (Part II)

October 1

Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate
(Undecided version)

October 1

Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate
(Righty version)

October 1

Things Overheard at Last Night's Presidential Debate
(Lefty version)


September 30

Reasons to Shop for a Casket at Costco (Part I)

September 29

Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino

September 28

Signs a Jury Is High

September 27

Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products

September 24

Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part II)

September 23

Signs Your Truck Is TOO DAMN BIG (Part I)

September 22

Shows in the Terrorist TV Network's New Fall Lineup

September 21

Hurricane-Name Combinations

September 20

Fake Urine Products

September 17

Movies Starring Monkeys (Part II)

September 16

Movies Starring Monkeys (Part I)

September 15

Things Overheard at the Burning Man Festival

September 14

Amish Comedian Punchlines

September 13

Signs the Department of Homeland Security Is Getting Outdated Information

September 10

Interesting Celebrity Anagrams (Part II)

September 9

Interesting Celebrity Anagrams (Part I)

September 8

Famous Movie Quotes as *Remembered* by President Bush

September 8

Famous Movie Quotes as *Spoken* by President Bush

September 7

Signs You're Being Rescued by David Lee Roth

September 6

Holiday -- no list today.

September 3

Things Overheard at the Republican National Convention

September 2

Excuses for Being Drunk, Naked and Covered With Nacho Cheese

September 1

Rejected Titles for the New Star Wars Film (Part II)


August 31

Rejected Titles for the New Star Wars Film (Part I)

August 30

Events in the 2004 Political Olympics

August 27

No list today

August 26

Reasons for Low Attendance at the 2004 Olympics

August 25

Olympics Events We'd Like to See

August 24

Signs You're Becoming Obsessed With the Olympics

August 23

Worst Jobs in the Olympic Village

August 20

Excuses Given by the USA Men's Olympic Basketball Team

August 19

Signs Generation-Xers Are Growing Up

August 18

Signs You're a Lousy Street Performer

August 17

City Slogans (Part II)

August 16

City Slogans (Part I)

August 1-15

on hiatus


July 30

Changes in Barbie's Life Now That She Has a New Boyfriend

July 29

Things Overheard During Saddam's Trial

July 28

Signs You're a Man Trapped in a Woman's Body (Part II)

July 27

Signs You're a Man Trapped in a Woman's Body (Part I)

July 26

Signs You're a Woman Trapped in a Man's Body (Part II)

July 23

Signs You're a Woman Trapped in a Man's Body (Part I)

July 22

Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday

July 21

no list today

July 20

Songs for Viagra Commercials

July 19

Reasons for Masturbating in Court (Part II)

July 16

Reasons for Masturbating in Court (Part I)

July 15

Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade

July 14

Things Overheard at the Women-Running-the-World Conference

July 13

Signs the Reality TV Craze Is Out of Control

July 12

Euphemisms for Slacking at Work

July 9

Alternate Titles for Fahrenheit 9/11 (Left-Wing Loon version)

July 8

Alternate Titles for Fahrenheit 9/11 (Right-Wing Wacko version)

July 7

Differences Under President J.Lo

July 6

Beatles Songs Re-Written for Country-Western Artists

July 5

Holiday -- no list today

July 2

Differences If America Were Still Under British Rule (USA version)

July 2

Differences If America Were Still Under British Rule (UK version)

July 1

Complaints of Zombies


June 30

Signs a Co-Worker's Not Really Into Hip-Hop

June 29

Songs From "Dracula: The Musical!"

June 28

Signs Your Neighbor Is a Mad Scientist

June 25

Signs You've Had Too Much to Drink

June 24

Worst Jobs in Show Business

June 23

Indications Harry Potter Is Going Through Puberty

June 22

Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics

June 21

Signs You've Hired the Wrong Interior Decorator

June 18

Famous Movie Quotes Re-Written as Haiku (Part III)

June 17

Features of the Queen Mary 2 Running Windows

June 16

Things Overheard at the Pearly Gates

June 15

Mistakes Made by Dumb Kidnappers

June 14

Ways We Celebrated the Olsen Twins' 18th Birthdays

June 11

Iraqi Wines

June 10

Signs You Were Conceived From Old Sperm

June 9

Chinese Translations of English Movie Titles (Part III)

June 8

Appropriate Ways to Die on the Job

June 7

Slogans for MTV Condoms

June 4

Signs You Have Too Many Children

June 3

Companies Using Poo-Power

June 2

Signs a Clown Is Hiding Dark Secrets

June 1

Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part II)


May 31

Holiday -- no list today

May 28

Drawbacks of Face Transplants (Part I)

May 27

Things We Miss the Most About High School

May 26

Ways We Can Stick It to the Oil Companies

May 25

Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part II)

May 24

Signs You Need Anger-Management Counseling (Part I)

May 21

Signs You're Eating a 25-Year-Old Happy Meal

May 20

Titles in Cosmo's Spirituality Column

May 19

Pick-Up Lines Used by News Anchors

May 18

"Safe Porn" Movies (R-rated)

May 18

"Safe Porn" Movies (X-rated)

May 17

Apology Cards for the Bush Administration to Send to Iraqi Prisoners

May 14

Sorry, no new list today.

May 13

Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Parent-Teacher Conference

May 12

Surprising Facts Found in The Da Vinci Code

May 11

Signs the Call Center Employee You're Dealing With Is Overseas

May 10

Recent Secret Service Busts

May 7

Least Successful Fad Diets

May 6

Signs You Won't Be Giving a Commencement Speech

May 5

Tips Donald Trump Has for His New Apprentice

May 4

Ways TopFive Contributors Celebrated National Humor Month

May 3

Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung


April 30

Manufactured Controversies

April 29

Celebrity Contributions to Humanity

April 28

Things One Might Hear on NRA Radio

April 27

Signs You're a Slut

April 26

Least Cool Ways to Die

April 23

Rejected Commandments (Part II)

April 22

Rejected Commandments (Part I)

April 21

Cereals for Substance Abusers

April 20

Books Written for Children of Conservatives

April 19

Books Written for Children of Liberals

April 16

Scenes in The Passion of the Scientologists

April 15

Rediscovered Episodes of Classic TV Shows

April 14

Personal Ads Placed by Animals

April 13

Phrases Trademarked by Celebrities

April 12

Movies About Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Halftime Show

April 9

Signs an Airline No Longer Gives a Crap

April 8

Signs a School Lunch Has Been Spiked

April 7

No list published

April 6

John Kerry Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See

April 5

George W. Bush Campaign Slogans We'd Like to See

April 2

Features of a Car Designed for Women

April 1

The Top 25 Whatever


March 31

Things Overheard While Top5 List Contributors are Having Sex

March 30

Songs by the Rolling Bones

March 29

Ways NOT to Impress Your Significant Other's Friends

March 26

Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part II)

March 25

Indications an Athlete Is Using Steroids (Part I)

March 24

Signs Spring Break Has Hit Your Town

March 23

Signs Hollywood Is Recycling Ideas

March 22

Ways We Stick It to The Man

March 19

Signs You Live in the World's Dumbest Town

March 18

Things Overheard on St. Patrick's Day

March 17

Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America

March 16

Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)

March 15

Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

March 12

Johnnie Cochran Arguments in the Penis-Enlargement Trial (X-rated)

March 12

Johnnie Cochran Arguments in the Penis-Enlargement Trial (R-rated)

March 11

Selected Passages From the 20th Annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering

March 10

Signs the Groom Is Dead

March 9

Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect

March 8

Things on Martha Stewart's To-Do List

March 5

Signs It's Been a VERY Cold Winter

March 4

Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part II)

March 3

Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part I)

March 2

Things Overheard at Post-Oscar Parties

March 1

Surprises at the Oscars


February 27

Signs Your Sergeant Is a Commie

February 26

Reasons We Love Disco

February 25

Things Overheard at TopFive's 10th Anniversary Party

February 24

List Submissions Found Behind the TopFive Refrigerator

February 23

Lessons We've Learned in 10 Years of Doing This

February 20

Things Celebrities Are Giving Up for Lent

February 19

Rhymes in the Al-Qaeda Rap Song

February 18

Predictions for 2004 (Part II)

February 17

Predictions for 2004 (Part I)

February 16

Holiday -- no list today

February 13

Things Overheard at an Animal Hotel (Part II)

February 12

Things Overheard at an Animal Hotel (Part I)

February 11

Signs Your Pet Has Been Doing Drugs

February 10

Signs a Cartoon Character Is Getting Old

February 9

Signs You're the Unluckiest Person on Earth

February 6

Items on Janet Jackson's To-Do List

February 5

Most Realistic Video Games for Teenagers

February 4

Things Overheard During the Lingerie Bowl

February 3

Surprises in the Super Bowl Halftime Show

February 2

"Sorry Your Team Lost the Super Bowl" Greeting Cards


January 30

Misguided Sequels (Part II)

January 29

Misguided Sequels (Part I)

January 28

Indications You May Have the Bird Flu

January 27

Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated)

January 27

Dishes Containing Condoms (X-rated)

January 26

Signs a Stuntperson Is Over the Hill

January 23

Interesting Movie Triple Features

January 22

Signs Your Pet Is a Reincarnated Celebrity

January 21

Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey

January 20

Other Pete Rose Confessions

January 19

Holiday -- no list today

January 16

Law Firms to Avoid (Part II)

January 15

Law Firms to Avoid (Part I)

January 14

George W. Bush Space Proposals

January 13

Quotes We Wish Were in the Lord of the Rings Movies

January 12

Things Overheard on Britney Spears' Honeymoon



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