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Inside: How to Attract YOUR Prince Charming
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February 23, 2004
The Top 20 Lessons We've Learned
in 10 Years of Doing This
- Cost of a PC: $1,000
Cost of an online account: $20/month
Yearly earnings of a TopFive contributor: jack shit
- The Pauly Shore Fan Club may be small, but it sure is scrappy.
- Never go skinny-dipping immediately after writing your TopFive submissions. Not to avoid cramping; to comply with your neighbors' restraining order.
- College admissions directors rarely appreciate the magnitude of scoring a TopFive hat trick.
- Sleeping your way into the Hall of Fame is much more tolerable if you have narcolepsy.
- Pat Sajak could kick that geek Alex Trebek's ass in a New York minute.
- Bill Muse has the uncanny ability to reach across space and time, read your mind, and steal your #1 entry before you can think of it. Before you even know the topic, actually.
- Al Gore was far funnier as a candidate than he ever would have been as president.
- When yo'ure (out of) funny ideas, jamming a fork !into an electrical:outlet can activate the-brain's humor cortex; and punctuation center?
- You can make fun of Clinton getting a hummer, but you can't make fun of Bush for [REST OF ITEM DETAINED INDEFINITELY AT GUANTANAMO IN THE NAME OF NATIONAL SECURITY].
- Spraying your e-mail submissions with Obsession dramatically increases your chances for a list spot.
- Making no money by spending all our time doing this turned out to be a damned good way to avoid losing a bundle on tech stocks.
- Stopping at five is hard, except when it comes to lighting farts.
- With contributors from Canada, Australia, Germany, Japan, France, the UK and all across the U.S., TopFive has discovered the one true international language: boner jokes.
- The small fork goes on the lef-- no wait, the right... oh crap!
- We would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those meddling kids!
- Lists including a reference to Girl Scout Scientologists for gun control inspire very creative suggestions of self-love from our open-minded readers.
- Febreze is a godsend, since Chris White smells like bad guacamole.
- Write online submissions *first*; masturbate to online images *second*, as it saps your energy.
and the Number 1 Lesson We've Learned in 10 Years of Doing This...
- The money, fame, drugs and groupies are only temporary rewards -- what's really important is serving as role models for America's children.
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Our ClubTop5 members get to see the runner up
entries for this list!
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Selected from 112 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 1 (25th #1) Hall of Famer
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 2 Hall of Famer
- Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA -- 3 Website
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 4, HM list name Hall of Famer
- Chris Urich, Poughkeepsie, NY -- 5
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 6
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 7
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 8, Banner Tag
- Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX -- 8 Website
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 9
- John Treusch, Burlington, NJ -- 10 Hall of Famer
- Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 10
- Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY -- 11 Website
- Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada -- 12
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- 14, Topic
- Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 15
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 16, 18 Website / Hall of Famer
- Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT -- 17
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 19 Website
- Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA -- 20 Website
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- Runner Up list name
- Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- Honorable Mention list name
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Rush, Toronto, Ontario, Canada -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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