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Now it can be told!
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February 27, 2004
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
My dear TopFive readers, you are
simply NOT going to believe this.
Our archive librarian, Ms. Prifogle, stayed after
work last night and enjoyed a can or two of Schlitz
as she dug a little deeper into the TopFive stacks.
And guess what? She actually uncovered a single
list even *older* than the one we ran yesterday.
This is incredible news!
So to conclude our 10th anniversary week, here is
a list we first published FIFTY years ago, in 1954...
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Senator Joe McCarthy has continued his efforts to
root out Communists by attempting to investigate the
U.S. Army. "But Chris," you ask, "How can I tell if
one of my fellow soldiers is a Communist infiltrator?"
No sweat, cool cats....
The Top 16 Signs Your Sergeant Is a Commie
- "Now iss time for you to droppink and geef me of 20, Comrade Maggot!"
- That box of Cyrillic Alpha-Bits on his desk a dead giveaway.
- He plays a key role in implementing the programs of a highly centralized organization that demands strict obedience of its members while maintaining total control over their lives and possessions.
- He teaches his troops to fold the American flag in a "more efficient" wadded-up shape.
- Can't stand Ike.
- His drill cadence: "From each according to his abi-li-ties; to each according to his needs. Sound off...."
- Your squad mascot is a bear in an ill-fitting eagle costume.
- Likes the white and the blue just fine, but gets all misty-eyed about the red.
- His mouth may be screaming "Keep your mama-wiped, baby-smooth butts down, you maggots! That's live ammo we're firing!" but his eyes are saying "... live ammo purchased with the ill-gotten gains of the military-industrial monopolies who wipe their butts with the souls of the struggling proletariat."
- Named his two dogs Spotovich and Fidovich.
- Has no problem working with the Negro units!
- Meant to say, "Have you no sense of decency, sir?" but instead blurted out, "Have you no sense of proletariat oppression by the bourgeoisie, sir?"
- He believes Martin and Lewis discovered the Northwest Passage with the help of Satchmo.
- In the mess hall, he tries to liberate your Polish sausage.
- Offers to trade you his uniform and rifle for an Elvis record and two pairs of blue jeans.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Sergeant Is a Commie...
- Refers to Buffalo Bob's sidekick as "Howdy Doodsky."
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Our ClubTop5 members get to see the runner up
entries for this list!
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Selected from 120 submissions from 44 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 1, 4 (9th #1)
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 2, 10 Hall of Famer
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 3
- Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA -- 5 Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Elliott Schiff, Allentown, PA -- 7, 15
- Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA -- 8
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 9, 11 Website
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 9 Hall of Famer
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 12
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 13
- Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 14
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 16
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- Topic
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- Runner Up list name Website / Hall of Famer
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- Honorable Mention list name Hall of Famer
- Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX -- Honorable Mention list name
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Sammy Hagar, Monterey, CA -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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