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This product does not contain ingredients derived from animals.
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July 30, 2004
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
And so we come to the final list before we take
our annual summer hiatus to recharge our comedy
batteries. Those of you who are ClubTop5
or Top5 Deluxe
subscribers will be receiving some of our all-time best
classic lists for the next two weeks. The rest of you
will have to wait until we return on August 16.
As for today's list, we thought we'd go out with a bang, so
we're giving you the Top5 Deluxe version -- all 20 items.
The popular Barbie doll from Mattel Inc. has a new
love in her life, an Australian surfer named Blaine.
More than 2 million people worldwide logged on to
Barbie.com to help Barbie choose a new beau after she
ditched Ken, her longtime beau, earlier this year.
The Top 20 Changes in Barbie's Life
Now That She Has a New Boyfriend
- The once-pristine Malibu Dream House now reeks of Vegemite and Foster's.
- Has to keep Ken on standby in case Blaine gets eaten by a shark.
- Sudden increase in turtleneck outfits to hide hickeys.
- Once again, she has to begin that endless discussion of why she has no genitalia or nipples.
- "For the last time, it's Barbie! B-A-R-B-I-E. Not Sheila! BARBIE!"
- She no longer has to worry about her boyfriend borrowing her pink Corvette.
- Massive sales of the new "Barbie Wrestlemania" set, because *everyone* wants to see Blaine kick the Crocodile Hunter's ass.
- Drugged-Out-Party-Whore Barbie comes complete with tabs of E, glowsticks, a bottle of water and a pacifier.
- Increase in drunken 3 a.m. phone calls from Ken insisting he's now anatomically correct.
- Snappy new short hairdo, 'cause Blaine's a puller.
- Newfound comfort that 30 seconds in the microwave will help her melt off those extra pounds she put on while with Ken.
- Fortunately for Barbie, Blaine managed a late surge to beat out front-runner California Kobe.
- Sales of pinhead-sized Ortho-Novum at an all-time high.
- Ken is free to find the love of his life and get married -- at least in Massachusetts.
- G.I. Joe's friend Pfc. Lynndie no longer stopping by to point and laugh at Barbie's boyfriend's lack of genitalia.
- Nothing's changed: Another anatomically incorrect boyfriend means she's still a 50-year-old virgin with home-delivery service from Duracell.
- Finally, big brothers won't be the only ones bending her limbs into unnatural positions.
- Now that she has the new Australian guy, she finally gets to experience the joy of a boyfriend who goes down under.
- A battle royal is brewing between the "Malibu Dream House Electrified Perimeter Fence and Surveillance Camera Set" and "Restraining Order Ken With Authentic Stalking Action."
and the Number 1 Change in Barbie's Life Now That She Has a New Boyfriend...
- She can still have the occasional fling with Ken, provided you purchase the optional "Dream Motel on the Outskirts of the County" play set.
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Our ClubTop5 members get to see the entire
list EVERY day!
Selected from 135 submissions from 51 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 1, Honorable Mention lis Website
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 2, 4, 5, RU name (Hat Trick!) Website / Hall of Famer
- Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI -- 2 Website / Hall of Famer
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 2
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 2 Website
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 3 Hall of Famer
- Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 3
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 3
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 3 Website
- Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 3
- John H. Spencer, San Carlos, CA -- 3
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 3
- Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada -- 5, 13, 17 (Hat Trick!)
- Janis Spidle, Kansas City, MO -- 5, 16
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 5, 19
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 5, 7 Hall of Famer
- Barbara McMullen, Ann Arbor, MI -- 5, Topic
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 5
- Bryan Wendeln, Raleigh, NC -- 5
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 6, Banner Tag
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 6
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 7
- Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA -- 8 Website / Hall of Famer
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 9
- Marshal Perlman, Irvine, CA -- 10
- Christa Grunewald, Leonardville, KS -- 11
- Craig Stacey, Romeoville, IL -- 12, 17 Website
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 14 Website
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 15
- Ian Dauphinee, Calgary, AB, Canada -- 16
- Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX -- 17
- Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore, MD -- 18
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 19
- Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ -- 20
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Aqua, Denmark -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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