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November 23, 2004
The Top 20 Homeland Security Measures
Adopted for the Holiday Season
- Anti-reindeer missiles sit poised and ready on the White House lawn.
- In honor of our Saviour, all Middle-Eastern looking guys with beards are detained indefinitely.
- Macaulay Culkin is put in charge of the Department of Homeland Security -- at least until his parents come home.
- "Racial Profiling for Dummies" hits bookstores in time for Christmas.
- Mandatory cavity search upon arrival at or departure from every household in North America means Santa can't sit down for a week.
- New DoD memo states: "Muslims held in Guantanamo will be allowed to fast for Ramadan. This is completely different from the regular starvation diet they are accustomed to, so be sure to point out the difference to any troublemakers."
- Fruitcake is officially declared a WMD.
- The day after Thanksgiving, the phrase "Freeze, turkey!" is heard more frequently at airports than in kitchens.
- White House fireplaces kept burning to prevent chimney invasions by religious fanatics. (Religious fanatics with campaign contributions still welcome.)
- Tim Allen is sent to Abu Ghraib, lest he start work on yet another Christmas movie.
- Making its first appearance at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is the Osama bin Laden float. He is sporting a giant "Have you seen this man?" sign and seems to be giving America the finger.
- Continental U.S. is declared a no-fly zone on Christmas Eve, except for the bin Laden family.
- Rather than issuing the traditional pardon, President Bush designates his Thanksgiving turkey an enemy combatant and orders it held without trial.
- Standard-issue Abu Ghraib anal probes now decorated as festive candy canes.
- A certain bearded foreigner is caught flying through restricted airspace on Christmas Eve and sent to Guantanamo without a trial. Meanwhile, Halliburton gets the no-bid gift-delivery contract.
- All strip searches at airports will now be conducted under the mistletoe!
- When Dick Cheney is standing before the nation warning of impending doom, unrelenting violence and the imminent death of millions of innocent Americans based on info that may or may not be true, this time he'll be wearing a Santa hat and elf shoes.
- Newly added threat-level alert colors: gold, myrrh, eggnog and nutmeg.
- Every child frisked and strip-searched by the FBI before being allowed to sit on Santa's lap. Volunteer agents Jeffrey Jones and Michael Jackson are on the case!
and the Number 1 Homeland Security Measure Adopted for the Holiday Season...
- Outright ban on any nativity scene with 72 Virgin Mary statuettes.
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Our ClubTop5 members get to see the entire
list every day!
Selected from 108 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 1 (22nd #1) Website
- Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 2, 3
- Jeff Johnson, Los Altos, CA -- 2
- Dave Oberhart, Durham, NC -- 2
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 3, 6
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 3, HM list name Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 3 Hall of Famer
- Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 4 Website
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 5, 11
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 6
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 7 Website
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 8, Topic
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 9 Hall of Famer
- Gene Dieden, New Haven, CT -- 10, 17
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 12
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 13, 16 Hall of Famer
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 14
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada -- 15
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 18
- Ian Dauphinee, Calgary, AB, Canada -- 19
- Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ -- 19
- Jennifer Ford, Fort Wayne, IN -- 20 Website
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- RU list name Website / Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Trans Am, Washington, DC -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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