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Listivus for the rest of us!
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December 15, 2005
The Top 16 Things on
Bad Santa's To-Do List
- Show the reindeer who's boss by hosting an annual all-you-can-eat venison feast.
- Install new candy cane pole for the Private Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies.
- Stop payment on the check to Salvation Army that was meant to cover the cash I borrowed from the kettle this year.
- Out Rudolph.
- Reminder: Don't order the pork chops during brunch with Hanukkah Harry and Ramadan Raheed.
- William Hung "Little Drummer Boy" ringtones for everyone!
- Piss off the Elf Union by moving the headquarters to St. Kitts and the assembly center to Mumbai.
- Put my yule log in Angelina Jolie's chimney. Heh heh.
- Deliver lots of sneezing chickens to those needy Third World brats.
- Another Christmas at Oprah's, another midnight delivery of Little Debbies and Ipecac.
- Crank call the Easter Bunny and ask if he has a problem with shit sticking to his fur.
- Feed the reindeer their Ex-Lax in preparation for the annual White House fly-over.
- Keep down that infernal racket by taping over holes in packages containing puppies and kittens.
- Wrap a present, do a shot.
- Stay trim by eating the cookies and milk, then barfing all over the floor. Hey, it works for Courteney Cox!
and the Number 1 Thing on Bad Santa's To-Do List...
- Find the bastard who wrote "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and beat him with a shovel.
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16-item list, plus much MUCH more.
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Selected from 120 submissions from 47 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brad Hamer, Austin, TX -- 1 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- 2, Banner Tag
- Meg Silvern, Tucson, AZ -- 2
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 3
- Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA -- 4 Website / Hall of Famer
- Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX -- 4
- Emily Limbach, Boulder, CO -- 5
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 5, Topic
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 5 Hall of Famer
- Colleen Stelmaszek, Houston, TX -- 7
- Mark Schmidt, Paris, France -- 8 Hall of Famer
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 9
- Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 10
- David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 10 (Rookie!)
- John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN -- 11
- Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 12 Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- 14
- Christa Grunewald, Wamego, KS -- 15
- Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA -- 16
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 16
- Nathan C. Sherman, Bellevue, WA -- 16 (Rookie!)
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Gilda Radner, Detroit, MI -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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