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Assault and Battery Not Included
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December 22, 2004
Vioxx and Celebrex
Two popular arthritis drugs that
have recently been found to have nasty
side effects like gastrointestinal hemorrhage
and heart attacks. And now the over-the-counter
pain reliever Aleve is reported to increase
the chance of heart attacks and strokes.
Hey, if that's not material for a
humor list, then my name's not Kringle!
The Top 17 Signs a Drug Should Be Recalled
- It seems to cause your middle finger to remain erect for hours while you do your holiday shopping.
- Rather than a warning about four-hour boners, this ED drug warns about four-INCH boners.
- Unexplained hair growth -- on the pills themselves.
- Heading up the recall campaign committee: Keith Richards and Iggy Pop.
- You heart beats so fast it bursts out of your chest and finishes your morning jog before you do.
- Although the drug has curbed your suicidal tendencies, genocide is suddenly gaining appeal.
- Your stools are looser than a Quaaluded Madonna at a USO show.
- The directions specify quite adamantly that you *must* operate heavy machinery while using it.
- The only reason the FDA approved it was because Huey Lewis demanded it.
- Side effects may include dizziness and vomiting. Then again, those could be due to your new Clay Aiken CD.
- "Klingon face" is a common side effect of St. John's Worf.
- Prolonged erections, while admittedly great, should NOT be a side-effect of a menopause-relief pill.
- The experimental mice have begun building tiny wooden body carts and circulating through the cages collecting bodies.
- Your new nickname: SpongeBob SquishPants
- Sure, your genital warts are gone -- but unfortunately, so are your genitals.
- It helped you hit 70 homers, but also makes you act like a jerk.
and the Number 1 Sign a Drug Should Be Recalled...
- Every time you try to dial the side-effect hotline, your new lobster arm swats the phone from your hand and clamps your nose with its pincers.
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Selected from 106 submissions from 39 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 1, 6 (27th #1) Website
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 2, 11 Hall of Famer
- Tom Louderback, Boston, MA -- 3
- Jim Key, Rowlett, TX -- 4
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 5, 6 Hall of Famer
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 6, 10, RU name Website / Hall of Famer
- Brad Wilkerson, Mesa, AZ -- 6, 8
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 6
- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA -- 7 Hall of Famer
- Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV -- 9
- Stephanie Shiner Thompson, Brainerd, MN -- 12
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 13
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 14, RU list name
- Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore, MD -- 15
- Ian Dauphinee, Calgary, AB, Canada -- 16
- Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 17
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- Topic Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- HM list name Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Roxy Music, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
Absolutely no publishing or reprinting without prior consent.
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