9. Constantly doing aerobics to "Sweatin' To The Eternal Fires of Damnation" video.

8. His two big accomplishments of 1998? Signing John Tesh to a 6-record contract and green-lighting 3 Adam Sandler films.

7. C'mon -- do you really think *God* would find a partner for a loser like you?

6. Brimstone and fire and the smell of sulfur every night, even when he hasn't had Taco Bell.

5. You: Gorgeous Blond Supermodel Him: Geeky Dark-Haired Purveyor of Card Tricks

4. Has never once had to reboot his Windows 98 system.

3. Claims she got that "Roast Suckling Child" recipe by watching Martha Stewart.

2. Lovemaking always results in charred genitalia.

   and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is an Agent Of Satan...

1. Uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot.

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