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TopFive.com
Another fine product from the Pathetico Corp.
January 15, 2003


~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~

The Raelian "religion" is a cult whose followers believe
that aliens cloned the first humans and are now preparing
to return. They've been in the news recently because
a scientific research group called Clonaid and funded by
the Raelians claims to have cloned the first human baby.

The leader of the cult, Rael, is a real piece of work.
If any of you are looking for stuff for your standup routine,
there's some *great* raw material here: http://www.rael.org


The Top 15 Things on Rael's To-Do List


    1. Make a few dozen copies of my ass on the cloning machine.

    2. Check with Guinness for record number of clones to fit into a car.

    3. Divert all available funds to the Kournikova Cloning Project.

    4. Tell the aliens that when they return to Earth, make sure bring that Doobie Brothers album they borrowed.

    5. Clone Pamela Anderson; wait 16 long years.

    6. Clone me up a batch of Kevin Garnetts and beat the snot out of those friggin' Globetrotters.

    7. Steal a member list from Scientology and convert those pathetic, gullible schmucks.

    8. Stock up on those tasty jalapeno cheese poppers for my "Mork & Mindy" marathon.

    9. Clone self with extra strand of "sassy" gene.

    10. Scour eBay for any remaining wardrobe items from "Battlestar Galactica."

    11. Get clone #3 to quit humpin' my leg.

    12. Clone some bling-bling so I can impress the ladies of the Raelian Posse.

    13. Clone penis. Graft to end of existing penis. Repeat as necessary.

    14. Propose softball game against Raoul and his evil cult of Raoulians.

      and the Number 1 Thing on Rael's To-Do List...

    15. Convince populace that every George Foreman grill is actually a small space ship.

Join ClubTop5 to check out the
runner up submissions for this list.



Selected from 84 submissions from 33 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

  • Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 1 (24th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
  • Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 2, 8, 12 (Hat Trick!) Email
  • Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 3 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 4
  • Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 5
  • Wayne Kierstead, Clackamas, OR -- 6, 13
  • Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 7
  • Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 9
  • Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT -- 10
  • Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
  • Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 14 Hall of Famer
  • Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 15
  • Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag, RU/HM list names Email
  • Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
  • Napoleon XIV, New York, NY -- Ambience   (explanation)

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