January 17, 2001
The Top 15 Corporate Rules for Employees of Hell, Inc.
- Attendance is mandatory at all staff meetings and Adam Sandler movies.
- An air-conditioned cubicle awaits the employee who finds a loophole in the "eternal youth" clause of Dick Clark's contract.
- Employees must wash hands after each visit to the Chamber of Horrific Tortures.
- No magazines allowed in the break room, except for the Paula Jones issue of Penthouse.
- All employees must finish their daily gallon of beans during morning break.
- Never refer to the CEO as "Satan" -- he's "Mr. Satan" or "Coach Satan."
- For employees working an alternative work week, unspeakable anguish may be substituted for eternal damnation every other Friday.
- Break room TV schedule:
6pm-6am - "Veronica's Closet"
6am-6pm- More "Veronica's Closet"
- Absolutely no microwave popcorn allowed -- it always burns and stinks up the whole underworld.
- Excessive loitering by the water cooler results in 10 hours in the Iron Maiden, then public drawing and quartering, twice daily for a week. Second and subsequent infractions are taken more seriously.
- Gasoline suits need not be worn on Casual Leap Days.
- Do NOT urinate on the masochists -- it tends to lift morale.
- In the event of the Cubs winning the pennant, all employees are to calmly make their way to the emergency shelter where parkas and earmuffs will be issued.
- No parking in spaces reserved for Ms. Harris, Mr. Gates or Mr. Simpson.
and the Number 1 Corporate Rule for Employees of Hell, Inc....
- Your only choices for investing your 401(k) money: Priceline.com and eToys.com
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 110 submissions from 57 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 1, Topic (9th #1) Website
- Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA -- 2, 15 Email
- Greg Sadosuk, Fairfax, VA -- 3, 5 Email
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 3 Email / Website
- Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA -- 4
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 6 Email / Hall of Famer
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 7
- Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 8, 14
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 9 Email
- Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 10 Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 11 Email
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 12 Email
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 13 Email / Hall of Famer
- Andy Pierson, whereabouts unknown -- Banner tag
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- Runner Up list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- Honorable Mention list name Email / Website
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Crack the Sky, Boston, MA -- Ambience (explanation)
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