January 18, 2001
The Top 15 Tenets of Idiot Physics
- Magellan's Vox Theorem: Voice transmissions in a given language become understandable by non-speakers of that language when amplified beyond normal conversational volume, occasionally resulting in quicker directions to the bathroom.
- Couch's law: An object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless there's something good on TV.
- Constant of Luminosity: An otherwise intelligent adult, wanting to see if a flashlight works, will point it directly into his face before activating it, upon which he will become annoyed at his stupidity in temporarily blinding himself yet again.
- The First Law of YeeHaw: Your 1972 Chevy Nova can beat a train to any intersection.
- Doppler's E-mail Effect: Popularity is directly proportional to the quantity of number of chain-letter e-mails one forwards.
- Disney's First Law of Humor: Comedy increases proportionally with the number of Dalmatians.
- Saget's Theorem: For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction that will ultimately result in a supposedly-amusing whack to the gonads.
- Earl's Rule: A bowling ball's direction, y=Nx, contains a variable N which can be manipulated via post-partum contortions of the bowler.
- The Theory of Rapitivity: E = MC Hammer
- Sprint's Law of Teledynamics: A body at rest will stay at rest; a body in motion should keep calling up the body at rest, offering complicated long distance deals.
- Foyt's Postulate: If everyone driving faster than you is a maniac, and everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, you can convert maniacs into idiots by driving as fast as possible.
- Homeboy's First Law of Genitalia: The louder the bass in your car radio, the bigger your penis.
- Lite's Law: If an item is designated as "low-fat," one should consume as much of it as the stomach can possibly hold.
- Harrelson's Law: The distance from your car to the Krispy Kreme drive-up window is in direct proportion to the number of bong hits you've taken.
and the Number 1 Tenet of Idiot Physics...
- Querrior's Theorem: The number of phone numbers one is likely to receive at a rave increases dramatically with the number of times one exclaims, "Zesty!"
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 101 submissions from 56 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 1 (9th #1) Email
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 2
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 3 Website
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 4 Email
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 5 Email / Website
- Eric Lipton, Washington, DC -- 6, 9
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 7 Email
- Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 8
- Mark Levine, Los Angeles, CA -- 10 Email
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 11 Email / Website
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 12 Email
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 13 Email / Website
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 15 Email
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- 15, RU list name, Banner Tag Email / Hall of Famer
- Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- Topic Email
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Led Zeppelin, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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