January 23, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Scientists recently announced that they've genetically
engineered a monkey -- the closest relative to a human
being to be genetically altered thus far. The baby rhesus
monkey supposedly looks and acts like any other baby monkey.
The Top 15 Side Effects in
Genetically Engineered Monkeys
- They always demand a recount after the "one banana, two banana" game.
- AOL chatroom intelligence increases 27%.
- Ben Stiller now routinely being passed over for movie roles in favor of better specimens.
- That "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing can now be performed by a single six-armed monkey.
- 5 Words: Engorged Red Butt Of Death!
- The ones that can fly scare the holy crap out of Kansas farm girls.
- They taste great AND they're less filling.
- Instead of screeching hysterically when Procter & Gamble scientists inject Drano into their bloodstream, they now recite "Canterbury Tales" in an annoying English accent.
- Voter accuracy in Palm Beach County hits all-time highs.
- Now 19% more masturbatory!
- Little change, since lonely research scientists decided to add only the "Jennifer Aniston hair" gene.
- Can now throw a feces curveball that makes Greg Maddux look like a Little Leaguer.
- New improved monkeys 30% more amusing when dressed up like little cowboys.
- With a few grooming tips, any five of them could put *N Sync out of business.
and the Number 1 Side Effect in Genetically Engineered Monkeys...
- Still need an infinite number of typewriters, but no longer need artificial lighting source.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 108 submissions from 57 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA -- 1 (6th #1) Email
- Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 2 Hall of Famer
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 3, 6 Website
- Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 3
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 4
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 4 Email / Website
- Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ -- 4
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 4 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 5 Email
- Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY -- 7 Email / Website
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 7 Email / Hall of Famer
- John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA -- 8 Email / Website
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 9 Email
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 10, RU list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 11 Email
- Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 12
- Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA -- 13 Email
- Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 14 Email
- Spike Jones, Atlanta, GA -- 15 Website
- Ross Brown, Seattle, WA -- Topic Email
- Jody LaFerriere, Leominster, MA -- Topic Website
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- Banner Tag Email
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- Honorable Mention list name Email / Website
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Sly and Robbie, Kingston, Jamaica -- Ambience (explanation)
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