February 16, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list was compiled from submissions
sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.
The Top 15 New U.S. Army Weapons for 2001
- The Britney Spear -- A deadly assault weapon with razor sharp, retractable twelve inch nipples which reduce men to drooling idiots.
- R-23 Multi-Environment Inhalation Assistance Device for Short-Term, Repeatable Infantry Stimulus -- Okay, it's actually just a $750 crack pipe.
- RoboReagan -- Oh, come on. Did you *really* think he was hospitalized for a broken hip?
- The Heche Bomb -- Rather than killing countless civilians like its thermonuclear predecessor, detonation of this warhead simply bewilders the enemy by wandering amongst them, knocking on their doors and making strange remarks.
- Compassionate Carbine -- Kills just as effectively, but a small sound chip in the stock says, "I'm sorry" with each bullet fired.
- Ultra Anthrax Plus -- Similar to regular Anthrax, but with a hint of lemon for a clean, refreshing scent!
- Sharkbomb -- Fills the target area with thousands attorneys, leaving it bogged down by legal haggling.
- Army of One -- Pvt. First Class Frank Richards will be dispatched to finally eliminate those pesky Iraqis. We expect him to be far more effective than a full dose of the Army, without all of the unpleasant side effects.
- The Atomic Balm -- Deadly Chapstick that comes in three luminescent colors: Irradiated Iraq Indigo, Glowing Gorky Green and Malignant Mao Mauve
- Land Mimes -- Will repulse, frustrate and anger the enemy; now with potent "trapped in a box" mechanism.
- "Star Wars" Defense System - Network of ground- and orbital-based weapons designed to prevent George Lucas from entering U.S. airspace with another lame "prequel."
- SHDI (Strategic Hairpiece Defense Initiative) -- Uses satellite laser technology to track Sam Donaldson.
- Don't Ask Don't Telegraph -- Global communication without leaving the closet!
- The Subliminable Obsiconfusionary Mispronunciator -- Confuses foreign leaders by introducing gibberish into speeches. Best of all, it's stealthiable.
and the Number 1 New U.S. Army Weapon for 2001...
- The Lewinsky Land Mine -- Get anywhere near it and it'll blow your nuts off.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 274 submissions from 140 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Mike Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 1 (Woo-hoo!)
- Liz Scott, Madison, AL -- 2
- Laura Song, Tucson, AZ -- 2
- Michal Bryc, St. Louis, MO -- 2
- John D. Hopkins, Watkinsville, GA -- 2
- Paul Atkinson, Portland, OR -- 2
- Frank Weisbly, CA -- 3
- Evan Simper, Holbrook, AZ -- 4
- Jack Scheer, Falls Church, VA -- 5, 11
- Chris Warner, Alameda, CA -- 6
- Adam Chunn, Houston, TX -- 7
- Jeff Abramsohn, Waltham, MA -- 8
- Warren Marcus, Rockville, MD -- 9
- Jon Killian, Spanaway, WA -- 9
- Bob Roth, Fairfield, IA -- 10
- Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada -- 12
- BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI -- 13
- Eric Akawie, Burke, VA -- 14
- Jason Davis, Milwaukee, WI -- 15
- Arthur Levesque, Laurel, MD -- 15
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 15
- Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- Topic
- Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA -- Banner Tag
- Dale Weese, Florissant, MO -- Runner Up list name
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Honorable Mention list name
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- The Tubes, San Francisco, CA -- Ambience (explanation)
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