February 20, 2002
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
In Georgia this week, authorities discovered that
the furnace at a local crematory had not worked for
years, and that the owner was stockpiling rotting
corpses that were supposed to have been cremated.
The Top 15 Signs You Hired the Wrong Funeral Director
(Part I)
- Thirty percent discount if you bring your own shovel.
- His son walks around muttering, "I see dead people."
- Instead of an urn, cremated remains are given to you in Tupperware.
- Barbecue joint out front has three specials: links dinner, rib dinner and femur dinner.
- He greets you wearing his "Who died and made YOU boss?" T-shirt.
- The crematorium is right next to the "half-and-half-atorium."
- He's wearing the suit you buried your father in last year.
- His first question: "So, are you the deceased?"
- When you look closely, you realize that his white moustache is actually just a thick line of Vick's Vap-O-Rub.
- Everywhere you look: Moonwalking pallbearers.
- His flawless, low-key sales pitch is marred only by his stopping to moan, "Must... eat... brains! *BRAAAAAAINS!*"
- His ice-breaker: "Hi! Is that rigor mortis, or are you just glad to see me?"
- He employs a scantily-clad assistant and carries a saw.
- Insists on burying your parents together in the same position in which you were conceived.
and the Number 1 Sign You Hired the Wrong Funeral Director...
- Offers to stuff Gramps with candy for a festive "pinata service."
Join ClubTop5 to see Part II of this list tomorrow!
Selected from 141 submissions from 52 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 1 (15th #1) Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 1 (3rd #1)
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 2 Email / Hall of Famer
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 3 Website
- Bob Van Voris, New York, NY -- 4, 14
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 5 Email / Hall of Famer
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 6 Email / Hall of Famer
- Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada -- 7
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 8 Email
- Dave Goudsward, Boynton Beach, FL -- 9 Email
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 10 Email / Hall of Famer
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 11, RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Tom Bestor, Oakland, CA -- 12 Email
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 13 Email
- Marshal Perlman, Minneapolis, MN -- 14 Email / Website
- Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA -- 14 Website
- Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT -- 15
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- Topic
- Peter Casper, Brisbane, Australia -- Banner Tag
- Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA -- HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Oingo Boingo, Los Angeles, CA -- Ambience (explanation)
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