February 26, 2003
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Here in the U.S.A., with our current Department
of Homeland Security threat level at fuchsia,
we're growning accustomed to the presence of danger.
In fact, we no longer merely laugh in the face
of danger -- we're WAY past that. Here's an
extra-long list of the ways we react to danger...
The Top 50 Ways Americans Handle Danger
- I repeat everything Danger says in an annoying, nasal-y voice.
- I flick Danger's ass with a wet, rolled-up towel.
- I give Danger a time-out.
- I tell Danger those pants *do* make his ass look big.
- I ask Danger to give me two tens for a five.
- I volunteer to bunk with Danger in prison.
- I show Danger's girlfriend his bare-butt baby pictures.
- I remove Danger's mattress tag under penalty of law.
- I hit on Danger's girlfriend while he's in the can.
- I feed Danger Ex-Lax brownies before his important sales presentation.
- I don't tell Danger he's got a booger hanging from his nose before his job interview.
- I flush the toilet while Danger is taking a shower.
- I kiss Danger right on the mouth after I've had a salami sandwich with hot mustard and a big bag of Funyuns.
- I leave a fake number and 10 dollars on Danger's nightstand in the morning.
- I borrow Danger's hedge trimmer then never return it.
- I eat all of Danger's Thin Mints and leave him with half a box of Lemon Pastry Cremes.
- I go to Hawaii and only bring Danger a lousy T-shirt.
- I record and rebroadcast Danger's games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.
- I scare off the pigeons while Danger is feeding them.
- I sucker-punch Danger in front of his girlfriend and make him cry like a little wussy-girl.
- I take 11 items into Danger's "10 items or less" supermarket line.
- I send Danger tasteless postcards from Cancun.
- I read the newspaper over Danger's shoulder.
- I look Danger full in the face without benefit of duct tape, bottled water or plastic sheeting.
- I make sure that Danger doesn't get enough roughage.
- I tell Danger that if Danger *really* loved me, Danger would watch "Gilmore Girls" with me every week.
- I put butter on the popcorn even though I know Danger hates it.
- I flirt with Danger, even though Danger shows signs of an alternative sexual orientation.
- I reveal my love for Danger on a "Secret Crush" episode of Jenny Jones.
- I use Danger's razor to shave my legs.
- I pretend to be Danger's friend only to form a secret alliance with Peril and Menace to beat Danger in the next immunity challenge.
- I disclose Danger's secure location.
- I sell Danger's used panties to Japanese businessmen.
- I wipe my butt on Danger's shower curtain.
- I deliver Danger's nachos and neglect to say, "Careful -- hot plate."
- I make Danger sleep on the wet spot.
- I threaten Danger with patently frivolous legal action.
- I wash Danger's white Eminem concert T-shirt in a load of brand new red flannel sheets.
- Danger? I'm soaking in it.
- I sabotage Danger's live call-in show with a thunderous "Ba-Ba-Booey!"
- I shuffle my feet on the carpet before I shake Danger's hand.
- I force Danger to take me to David Arquette movies even though I have absolutely no intention of putting out afterwards.
- I spit on Danger's Whopper while Danger waits patiently at the drive-through window.
- I hide Danger's stapler.
- I bring enough gum for everyone BUT Danger!
- Snapping my latex glove, I tell Danger to lean forward and prepare to cough.
- I gratify myself sexually beside Danger on the bus.
- I do a pretend cough that sounds like I'm saying, "Danger sucks."
- I toke up in the face of... hey, got any nachos?
and the Number 1 Way Americans Handle Danger...
- I don't even bother suppressing my rapturous facial expression as I urinate in Danger's Jacuzzi.
Join ClubTop5 to check out the
runner up submissions for this list.
Selected from 222 submissions from 63 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 1, HM list name (52nd #1) Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Joseph Prisco, Ithaca, NY -- 2 Website
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 3
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 4
- Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 5
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 6
- Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 7
- Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 8 Website
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 8 Email / Website
- Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV -- 9, 11, 22 (Hat Trick!)
- Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA -- 9, 41 Email / Website
- Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX -- 10
- John Voigt, Chicago, IL -- 12, 36 Hall of Famer
- Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE -- 13, 19
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 14 Hall of Famer
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 15 Email
- Cathie Walker, Victoria, BC, Canada -- 15 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Chun Ho, Honolulu, HI -- 16
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 17, 20, 49 (Hat Trick!)
- Andrea Crain, Madison, WI -- 18 Website
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 19
- Kim Walker-Daniels, Sun Prairie, WI -- 21, 41
- Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL -- 21
- Ann Bartow, Bartow, FL -- 23, 27 Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 24 Email
- Peter Rogers, Austin, TX -- 25, 50
- Kathy Good, Scottsdale, AZ -- 26
- Meg Silvern, Wiesbaden, Germany -- 28, 30
- Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI -- 29, 33, 34 (Hat Trick!)
- Kristie Black, Toronto, Canada -- 31
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 32, 40
- Sue Prifogle Otte, Rushville, IN -- 35 Email
- Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 36, 44 Email
- Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada -- 37
- Reid Kerr, Carthage, TX -- 38, 45 Email / Website
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 39, RU list name, Banner Tag Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 42 Email
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 43 Email / Hall of Famer
- Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA -- 43 Website
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 43
- Larry Baum, Hong Kong -- 46 Email
- Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 47, 48
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- John Cougar, Seymour, IN -- Ambience (explanation)
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