13. All of the dark, threatening messages on your voice mail feature the Jordanaires crooning in the background.

12. Creepy mystery love notes always end with "Here's hoping you and I can get together and die on a toilet sometime."

11. He's still right there, wedged in the window from trying to sneak into your house, like a sequined Winnie-the-Pooh.

10. To prove his love, he offers to buy you a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88.

9. That stripper last night had some mighty bushy sideburns.

8. Stalking "gigs" arranged in advance by someone identifying himself only as "The Colonel."

7. Security camera shows the guy only from the waist up.

6. Out of the corner of your eye, you catch a glimpse of him kicking the crap out of a Michael Jackson impersonator.

5. Well *something* big has been going through your garbage cans -- and you're pretty sure that bears don't wear white polyester and sequins.

4. You're working late at the office. Alone. Suddenly, the phone rings. It's him. He just wanted to let you know he hasn't yet left the building.

3. Walking down the street, you don't *see* anyone following you... but every time you turn around real fast you catch a whiff of Vitalis.

2. Note in mailbox requests that you rub him tender.

   and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked By an Elvis Impersonator...

1. Whenever he throws you his sweaty towel, it's been soaked in chloroform.

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