14. Silently weeps if you forget to turn off the music while playing Tetris.

13. The last sensation felt by anyone "borrowing" a pen is the quick sting of several tiny Punji sticks.

12. No one will carpool with him since that ejector seat incident.

11. He and his girlfriend Natasha keep threatening to "make big trouble for Moose and Squirrel."

10. His twin, who looks just like him except that he wears black, keeps coming in at lunch to booby trap his cubicle.

9. Always trying to convince you that Yakov Smirnoff is actually funny.

8. You could swear he used to look just like Sean Connery, but now he's the spitting image of Pierce Brosnan.

7. "I may ask; would you additionally like a packet of oil-fried potato slices, comrade?"

6. His shoe has a setting for either "Ring" or "Vibrate."

5. She taps that commie pen on her commie desk the same commie way EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!

4. Last October you helped him ship out 750 boxes of old computer punch cards to addresses all over Florida and the "tip" he promised you was "dump all your stocks."

3. Suspiciously never complains about the temperature in the office.

2. He asks you to pull his finger -- until it clicks.

   and the Number 1 Sign Your Coworker is a Spy...

1. He introduces himself as "Bond... Jame-- Er, Finkelmeyer... Junius Finkelmeyer."

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