March 22, 2001
The Top 16 Signs Your Band
Will Never Hit the Big Time
- 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe
- Bob Marley's cause: freedom and equality
U2's cause: third world debt relief
Your band's cause: irritable bowel syndrome.
- All your members are allergic to Spandex *and* Aqua Net.
- The term "heavy metal" refers to the collective weight of the band's orthodontics.
- Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.
- "I'm sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat just isn't what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone."
- A Spice Girls cover band just doesn't work if you're 35 years old. And male. And there's only one of you.
- Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles to retrieve his spoons.
- You're too busy making sequels to "The Matrix," and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.
- Band motto: "Practice is for wusses."
- Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA
- Your goals, in order of priority:
1) Score some drugs
2) Score some chicks
3) Score some instruments
- Your band's video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV -- as a promo for "Jackass."
- Your female lead singer has talent -- just not D-cup talent.
- You keep letting David Lee Roth back in.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time...
- Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize that naming the band "Closed For Private Party" was a big mistake.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 160 submissions from 58 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- J. Hutter, San Francisco, CA -- 1 (Woohoo! 1st #1!)
- David W. James, Los Angeles, CA -- 2, Topic Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA -- 3 Email
- Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA -- 4
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 5, Runner Up list name Email
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 6 Email
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 7 Email / Website
- Pat McCarley, Missouri City, TX -- 8, 11
- Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 9 Email / Hall of Famer
- Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 10
- Eric Lipton, Washington, DC -- 12
- Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 13, Honorable Mention lis Email
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 14 Email / Website
- Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 15 Email / Website
- Ken Woo, Encinitas, CA -- 16 Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Email
- Kevin Hawley, Fairless Hills, PA -- List moderator
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Peter Gabriel, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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