April 4, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list was compiled from submissions
sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.
This year marks the 40th anniversary
of Mattel's Ken, Barbie's boyfriend.
The Top 16 Signs Ken Has Reached Middle Age
- Cool beachwear now consists of a Hawaiian shirt buttoned to the neck, Bermuda shorts hiked up to nipple level, black socks and sandals.
- Dumps Barbie, steals her Corvette, and goes cruisin' for hot Sailor Moon chicks, Spice Girl dolls and Power Puff Girls.
- New anatomically correct version has comb-able ear and back hair.
- Can't seem to get it up with anyone but Dominatrix Stacie(R).
- Convertible? Check.
Blonde Bimbo? Check.
Fake Hair? Check.
Hey, Ken's been middle-aged since 1972!
- Due to a recent court order, toy stores can no longer stock him within 2 aisles of "Catholic Schoolgirl Skipper."
- Young Ken: lack of penis resulted in sexual frustration with Barbie.
Old Ken: lack of penis results in inability to refuse trips to antique store.
- Sudden existential crisis makes him worry that people perceive him to be plastic.
- New "Comb-Over Ken" spends hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to cover the bald spot with three strands of plastic hair.
- Protruding gut magically retracts whenever Barbie's teenage sister Kelly comes around.
- Bottle of Viagra: $40Hair transplants: $900
New red Ferrari: $175,000
The look on Barbie's face when you tell her you're leaving her for her younger sister, Skipper: Priceless
- "I don't care if it IS the size of a large bagel to you, you're gonna choke down that blue pill, Plastic Boy!"
- Lately he's been lobbying Mattel to make an "American Beauty Edition" Skipper, complete with rose petals.
- New "Workout Ken" comes complete with a running bra.
- "Hey Barb, if we get to The Sizzler at 4:00, we can get the 'Early Bird'."
and the Number 1 Sign Ken Has Reached Middle Age...
- Bad news: doctor wants to start doing regular prostate checks;
Worse news: no visible rectum
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 186 submissions from 67 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Tim Painter, Marietta, GA -- 1, 16 (Woo-hoo!)
- Eric C. Sanders, Roseville, MI -- 1 (Woo-hoo!)
- Chris Pugh, Lakeland, FL -- 2
- Elliott Potter, Atlanta, GA -- 3
- Jack Scheer, Falls Church, VA -- 4
- Rob Povlitz, Denville, NJ -- 4
- Kerri Kirby-Smith, Lawndale, CA -- 4
- Tom Simpson, Tasmania, Australia -- 4
- Nick Schweitzer, Atlanta, GA -- 5
- Deirdre Korman, Boston, MA -- 6
- Lisa Dallas, Sacramento, CA -- 6
- Deb Madison, Westfield, NJ -- 7, 14
- Debbie Chmidling, Virginia Beach, VA -- 7
- Donna Carsten, East Berne, NY -- 8
- Josh Larson, New Brighton, MN -- 8
- Andrew Kreps, Hollywood, CA -- 8
- Brian DiMattia, Boston, MA -- 9, HM list name
- Bernie Nofel, San Diego, CA -- 10
- Keith Meyer, London, UK -- 11
- BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI -- 11
- Dale Weese, Florissant, MO -- 12
- John Lathem, Cleveland, OH -- 12
- Victoria Williamson, Bartlett, TN -- 12
- Ken Fruit, Winnetka, IL -- 13
- Scott C. Swalwell, Milwaukie, OR -- 14
- David Worenklein, White Plains, NY -- 14
- Pamela Rice Hahn, Celina, OH -- 14
- Bill Strider, Gaithersburg, MD -- 14
- Dan Broderick, whereabouts unknown -- 14
- Evan Simper, Timpanogos, UT -- 14
- Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY -- 14
- Marc Dutro, Columbus, OH -- 14
- Tom Bosold, whereabouts unknown -- 14
- Alex Wakal, San Angelo, Texas -- 14
- Peter Heltzer, Wheeling, IL -- 15
- John Cohen, Ithaca, NY -- 15
- Jason Meyer, Cincinnati, OH -- 15
- Jim Goldman, whereabouts unknown -- 15
- Dawn Maez, Alpharetta, GA -- 15
- M. Purvis, whereabouts unknown -- 15
- Al Stoneburner, Ridge, NY -- 15
- J. Roda, Drums, PA -- 16
- Mike Iaia, Queens, NY -- 16
- Bill Nienke, Fort Worth, TX -- 16
- Jeff Conner, San Jose, CA -- 16
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- Topic
- Naomi Rose, East Farmingdale, NY -- Banner Tag
- Jim Bedsole, Greenville, SC -- Runner Up list name
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Aqua, somewhere in Denmark -- Ambience (explanation)
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