May 29, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list was compiled from submissions
sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.
The Top 18 Signs It's Time
for Your Rock Band to Retire
- No longer able to "Rock and Roll All Night" without an entire case of Viagra.
- Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn't been the same.
- Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don't keep him awake all night.
- You're still considered a hair band, but now it's because of your ears and noses.
- Instead of saying "Good night, Cleveland!" at the end of your set, you scream, "Honey! It's time for my sponge bath!"
- "I'm sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you've hit puberty."
- Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took.
Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.
- "Shooting up" didn't used to involve an enema.
- Old band logo: picture of giant red lips.
Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.
- Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.
- The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.
- Your songs are blocked from Napster -- not by your record company's request, but because they suck.
- Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band.
Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet young things who are willing to to pre-chew all those green M&M's for the band.
- You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won't get off the lawn.
- The band refuses to make a video because they're convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.
- Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants.
Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.
- Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.
and the Number 1 Sign It's Time for Your Rock Band to Retire...
- The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt -- to show you her breasts.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 452 submissions from 236 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Tom Deen, Phoenix, AZ -- 1 (Woohoo!)
- Alicia Diaz, Columbus, OH -- 2
- Earl Adams, Escondido, CA -- 3
- Alex Corvino, San Diego, CA -- 4
- Gary Pool, Jefferson City, MO -- 5
- Tim Castle, San Lorenzo, CA -- 5
- Adam Chunn, Houston, TX -- 5
- Dennis Eldridge, Devonshire, DE -- 5
- George N. Laster Jr., Sacramento, CA -- 6
- Robin B. Shore, Everett, MA -- 6
- Jeremy Kupfer, Las Vegas, NV -- 7
- Darrin Kearney, Alta Loma, CA -- 8
- Paul Atkinson, Portland, OR -- 9
- Rob House, New Providence, NJ -- 10
- Tim Hicks, Richardson, TX -- 11
- Jon Busby, Boston, MA -- 12
- Dan Thompson, Austin, TX -- 13
- Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 14
- Cynthia Lasley, whereabouts unknown -- 15
- Brian Ross, Rochester, NY -- 15
- Anne Sholl, whereabouts unknown -- 15
- BT Cesul, Ann Arbor, MI -- 15
- Rob Povlitz, Denville, NJ -- 15
- Brett Baylor, Dayton, OH -- 16
- John Dougherty, Wayside, NJ -- 17
- Eddie Hatfield, Des Moines, IA -- 17
- Eddie Omerhi, Woonsocket, RI -- 17
- Lyndon Moors, Bennington, VT -- 18
- Ed Lynn, Occoquan, VA -- 18
- Dawn Maez, Alpharetta, GA -- 18
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- Topic
- Tristan Fabriani -- Banner Tag
- Brian DiMattia, Boston, MA -- Runner Up list name
- Bob Somerville, Asheville, NC -- Honorable Mention list name
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Badfinger, Liverpool, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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