Intentional Misuse by Inhaling the Contents Can Be Fatal
June 1, 1999
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Top5 has added 7 new contributors to our hallowed ranks.
Today's and tomorrow's lists come from the finals of the competition,
in which 75 finalists (out of over 1300 entrants) were
given topics and asked to send in their submissions.
The Top 15 Signs You've Hired
The Wrong Marriage Counselor
- Degree on the wall reads "Doctor of Swingology."
- Keeps repeating, "If you can't change course, you must divorce."
- "I'm afraid there's not much you can do with a penis that small."
- Her latest book: Women Are From Venus, Men Are Lyin' Bastards
- "Just shut up and screw" doesn't seem like very good advice.
- After you've earned enough "session points", you get to choose either a Louisville Slugger or a Tazer gun.
- When you and your spouse claim sexual incompatibility, he throws a couple of pillows on the floor and says, "Prove it."
- "Communication, schmunication - let's talk about 'backdoor love'..."
- "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Dr. Ike Turner will see you now."
- You quickly discover that his motto, "Don't worry, be happy" is pretty much the extent of his knowledge of the English language.
- Always takes Hillary's side.
- In order to open the lines of communication, she begins the first session by hooking your genitals up to a car battery and tossing your wife the keys.
- Agrees with husband that a request to "honk on Bobo" is foreplay enough.
- "Mrs. Jones, I believe your husband is correct. You are a whiny bitch."
and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Marriage Counselor...
- Her last name has six hyphens.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 150 submissions from 75 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Lisa Lavoie, Milford, NH -- 1 (Woo-hoo!)
- Rob Knapp, Charlotte, NC -- 1 (Woo-hoo!)
- Mark Smith, Santa Ana, CA -- 2
- Joe DiPietro, Brooklyn, NY -- 3
- Cory Davies, Dallas, TX -- 4
- Beth Beisel, Washington, DC -- 5
- David Gunter, Chicago, IL -- 6
- Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 7
- Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN -- 8
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- 9
- Bill Benito, Atlanta, GA -- 10
- Andy Abbott, San Ramon, CA -- 11
- Chris Irby, Dallas, TX -- 12
- Jesse Weiss, Austin, TX -- 13
- Eddie Attiyeh, New York, NY -- 14
- Scott McGee, Missoula, MT -- 15
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Alan Smithee, Sugar Land, TX -- RU/HM list names
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor
- Fleetwood Mac, London, England -- Ambience
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