16. "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"

15. "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."

14. "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."

13. "You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."

12. "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath."

11. "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'"

10. "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."

9. "I have early-onset onanism."

8. "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."

7. "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah -- on the subway, I think."

6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"

5. "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."

4. "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."

3. "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose."

2. "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."

   and the Number 1 Worst Breakup Excuse...

1. "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."

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