June 14, 2000
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list was compiled from submissions
sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.
The Top 20 Martha Stewart Household Tips for Dumb People
- Quick-dry plaster + friggin' cats that keep crapping on the rug = Instant bookends!
- Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you!
- Sex isn't nearly as disgusting when you use a hand-knitted penis cozy.
- To know when to change to the next square of toilet paper, label them with consecutive days of the week.
- A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal.
- Don't discard used toothpicks -- simply glue on some belly button lint and you'll never pay for Q-tips again.
- A wreath of dirty underwear is *great* for repelling mosquitoes!
- Freeze some urine in a Mrs. Butterworth's bottle, then break and remove the glass for an ice sculpture that'll have your guests talking!
- Nail bars of soap to the bottom of your shoes and hose down the kitchen floor and you've just created your own indoor Olympic skatin' rink!
- In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
- BayWatch videos can help get those flabby forearms in shape.
- Always buy two pairs of the same socks; that way, if you lose a sock, you have two replacements.
- An activity as simple as counting will help to ensure that your "Top 5" list did not actually exceed five items.
- Duct taping the baby to a ceiling fan after meals makes for a lively game of "Dodge the Chunks!"
- Fill up those holes in the bathroom tile grout with Mother Nature's own sealant: snot!
- Adding sprigs of baby's breath behind the ears of a loved one's corpse is sure to lift everyone's spirits during the funeral.
- A dead dog makes an excellent door stop -- for a while.
- While the common method of flushing a dead fish down the toilet can be sad for the kids, putting the aquarium snail down the garbage disposal can make a rather interesting sound that can be enjoyed by all.
- In the fall, you can sew leaves back onto your trees to delay the onset of winter.
and the Number 1 Martha Stewart Household Tip for Dumb People...
- With a Hefty 40-gallon trash can liner and cable tie-wrap, you'll have grandma's daily colostomy bags changes down to once a month.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 148 submissions from 50 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Raul Tellez, El Puerto de Santa Maria, Spain -- 1 (Woo-hoo!)
- Charles Gulledge, Richardson TX -- 2
- Tom Wideman, Grapevine, TX -- 3
- Cliff Scarbrough, Demopolis, AL -- 4
- Bill Hewins, Ft. Thomas, KY -- 5
- Robin B. Shore, Everett, MA -- 6
- John W. Wood, Highlands Ranch, CO -- 7
- Eric Bell, Philadelphia, PA -- 8
- Jay DeSimone, Wilmington, DE -- 9
- Curtis Harris, Bowling Green, OH -- 10
- Brad Deen, Clayton, NC -- 11
- Len Pal, Gloucester, MA -- 12
- Rob Miles, Salem, VA -- 13
- Chelle Devers, Seguin, TX -- 14
- Michael Cain, Salem, NH -- 15
- Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada -- 16
- Michelle Steiner, Sunnyvale, CA -- 17
- Bob Van Voris, New York, NY -- 18
- Bob Garman, Merced, CA -- 19
- Andy Pierson, Huntingtown, MD -- 20
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Topic, Banner Tag Email
- Derek Seabury, Boston, MA -- Runner Up list name
- Elthea Farr, Seattle, WA -- Honorable Mention list name
- Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Julie Brown, languishing in obscurity -- Ambience (explanation)
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