15. Starts off every blues song with, "You think YOU'VE got problems?"

14. "A hundred and fifty dollars a night! Talk about your Heartbreak Hotel!"

13. He's wearing a blue suede rhinestone-studded yarmulke.

12. "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog... you couldn't have been a lawyer or a doctor?"

11. That last lyric sounded suspiciously like "Return to Seder."

10. Elvis? Fried chicken. Schmelvis? Fried lox.

9. Acknowledges the crowd by muttering, "L'chaim... l'chaim very much!"

8. The melody *sounds* like "All Shook Up," but you could swear he's singing, "I'm all verklempt."

7. Tells stories of what it was like on the set of his 1962 movie, "Goys! Goys! Goys!"

6. Washes down pills by the handful with a bottle of Manischevitz.

5. Elvis: long sideburns; Schmelvis: long sidecurls

4. You're pretty sure that's a fried peanut-butter-and-gefilte-fish sandwich sticking out of his back pocket.

3. "Well that's all right, Mama... yes, Mama... I know, Mama... whatever you say, Mama."

2. "What's with these Jordanaires? Don't we have any nice Israeli back-up singers?"

   and the Number 1 Sign You're Actually Listening to *Schmelvis* Presley...

1. "You want I should schvitz on this towel and give it to you for free? What are you, meshuggenah?"

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