July 3, 2002
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Hello, brothers and sisters in comedy!
TopFive will be taking an extended
"vacation" for the remainder of July.
We have a lot of behind-the-scenes
things we need to take care of.
In the meantime, if you find yourself
aching for list humor, we have over
1000 lists in our website archives,
all available to our ClubTop5 members.
We'll be back with new lists on August 1.
The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs
- Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.
- When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she says, "Go ahead, honey -- the first one's free."
- Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped like a bong, it's black-light orange.
- When she says "d-bag," she ain't talkin' feminine hygiene.
- Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl Strawberry and Robert Downey, Jr.
- She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that her Metamucil was "stepped on."
- "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have, Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a minute... are you a narc?"
- Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you don't finish your vegetables.
- Every teaspoon in her precious antique collection has scorch marks on the bottom.
- Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the pay phone, sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.
- Most grandmothers drive with their turn signals on, but not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows, 24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.
- Constantly complains about her health -- still no glaucoma, dammit!
- Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on with those solid gold MedicAlert bracelets.
- She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for the cookie jar.
- Last time she made brownies, you woke up three days later in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs...
- The local cops are arresting everyone with lipstick on their cheeks.
Join ClubTop5 to check out the runner up submissions
for this list, as well as tomorrow's Part II.
Selected from 122 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Art Kinderbuch, Alexandria, VA -- 1 (4th #1)
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 2 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 3 Hall of Famer
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 4, 7
- Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 4, 15 Email
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 5
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 6, 12
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 6, 14 Email
- Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA -- 6, 9
- Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 6 Hall of Famer
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 6
- Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY -- 6
- Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT -- 6
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 8
- Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX -- 10
- Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 11 Email
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 12 Email / Hall of Famer
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 13 Email
- Andrea Crain, Madison, WI -- 14 Website
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 14 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Wade Kwon, Birmingham, AL -- 14 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Mike Levy, Los Angeles, CA -- 14
- Troy Roberson, Birmingham, AL -- 14
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 14 Email / Website
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- 15, HM list name Hall of Famer
- Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY -- 16
- Brent H., New York, NY -- Topic
- Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- Banner Tag Email / Hall of Famer
- Donald Junter, New Haven, CT -- Runner Up list name
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Purple Gang, Manchester, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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