14. "Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary -- the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians."

13. "I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun."

12. "The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop."

11. "I've seen women pee standing up with better aim."

10. "Somebody call Janet Reno -- I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!"

9. "That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche."

8. "I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet."

7. "Hey, Cunningham -- Andy Warhol called. You're at 14:55 and we're tickin' big-time here, Chachi."

6. "He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house."

5. "Hey Deion, Bubbelah -- maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?"

4. "When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb."

3. "That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena."

2. "Nervous? He's tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island."

   and the Number 1 Dennis Miller Monday Night Football Quote...

1. "Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!"

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