16. "You stuck a knife in the toaster? Boy you *are* a doofus."

15. "Before we go on, you might want to change into something a little less flammable."

14. "Bet you're regretting all those Falwell jokes now, aren't you, Mr. White?"

13. "Hey, Saint Augustine! Saint Ignatius! Look! It's Gary, the kid who peed all over himself during the 1982 Kennedy Elementary School Christmas pageant!"

12. "Hey, aren't you the guy who wrote that 'Who Let the Dogs Out' thing? God's been waiting for *you*."

11. "I can't let you in because God doesn't believe you exist."

10. "Price check! Carnal knowledge of a trained seal."

9. "Take a seat. It'll be a few minutes -- God's helping a high school football team in Texas."

8. "Just because Moses didn't write down 'Thou shalt honor Pauly Shore' doesn't make it God's fault."

7. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about the heat -- the fall will probably kill you."

6. "Okay, so you're a nice guy. Now watch as I flip to the page containing the number of people executed while you were Governor of Texas."

5. "TopFive? Oh, yeah... the Boss has been keeping a close eye on you folks."

4. "You donated your organs? Sorry, you're going to need those! Wait in the foyer until ALL your parts are here."

3. "Jeez, this can't be right... *how* many times did you masturbate?!"

2. "Boy, Aquinas is gonna be tweaked at this one. He had $50 bucks riding on your humanist-based moral code doing you in, when all along it was incident with the goat and the tequila."

   and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear at the Pearly Gates...

1. "Security!!!"

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