14. Despite the fact that it's 103 in the shade, his timbers are still shiverin'.

13. Last week had 20/20 vision, but now wears a patch over *both* eyes and uses a seeing-eye parrot.

12. He's got this crazy obsession for Peter Pan, and he's not in NAMBLA.

11. While the sea chanteys and hornpipe made for a refreshing change of pace, you would have preferred that the cantor perform something more traditional at your grandmother's funeral.

10. "Arrggh! What be ye talkin' about, Willis?"

9. Even addresses that dreadful gnome in the tollbooth as "me proud beauty."

8. Every day this week she's insisted on eating lunch at Arrrrrrrrrrrby's.

7. He's banned from the strip joint after the dancers complain about having their G-strings stuffed with ice-cold doubloons.

6. On his first day of fencing lessons, he decapitates the instructor.

5. Just posed for a "Got Scurvy?" ad.

4. The bandanna, eye shadow and beaded beard are quite a change, but then nobody expected Ari Fleischer's final press conference to be the same old same old.

3. Hubby's got a wooden leg this morning. Again.

2. Insists that sausage mascot got what she deserved.

   and the Number 1 Sign Someone You Know Has Pirate Fever...

1. He's teaching his Rottweiler to sit -- on his shoulder.

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