August 14, 2000
The Top 18 Attempts to Tighten Security at Los Alamos
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Today's list was compiled from submissions
sent in by our ClubTop5 subscribers.
The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico,
a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility,
has recently had a series of infamous screw-ups in
which top secret info has been misplaced or stolen.
- Ask Napster to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download HotList.
- All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
- All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable "Ig-pay Atin-lay" format.
- Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
- "Accidental" radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
- Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
- Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the "15th foreign national who calls right now!"
- Janitors Boris and Mao swear that "Jake the Security Guard is a commie bastard. Start there, comrade!"
- Immediately suspend "you break it, you bought it" policy on hard drives.
- Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
- All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
- A) "Accidentally" leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler. B) First country to utilize a $5 billion Fart Bomb clearly the guilty party.
- Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a FREE Zip Disk.
- Visitors answering the guard's challenge with "Foe" now required to sign guest book before entry.
- Security guards limited to one "WHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUP!" walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
- Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
- "Shave and a Haircut" knock replaced with more secure "My Sharona" knock.
and the Number 1 Attempt to Tighten Security at Los Alamos...
- From now on, all security guards must pass the new "Your Ass From a Hole in the Ground" test.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 323 submissions from 155 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Jeff Moore, Carrollton, TX -- 1, 6 (Woo-hoo!)
- Rich Maniglia, Burlington, NJ -- 2
- Jack Scheer, Centreville, VA -- 3
- Todd W. Squire, Bellevue, WA -- 3
- Robin B. Shore, Everett, MA -- 4
- Paul Atkinson, Portland, OR -- 5
- Diana Sherfey, Novi, MI -- 6
- Eric Bell, Philadelphia, PA -- 7
- Chris Pultz, Denver, CO -- 8
- Martin Bredeck, Community, VA -- 9
- Gail Giles, Atlanta, GA -- 9
- Mike Vidal, Reno, NV -- 9
- Eric Ryan, Rochdale, MA -- 10
- Adam Chunn, Houston, TX -- 11
- Danny Gallagher, Tyler, TX -- 12
- Susie De Rafelo, West Chester, PA -- 13
- Brian DiMattia, Boston, MA -- 14, Ambience suggestion
- Gwilym Smith, Hinckley, England -- 14
- Cliff Scarbrough, Demopolis, AL -- 15
- Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 16
- Alexis Iglauer, Cologne, Germany -- 16
- Joel Auslander, San Mateo, CA -- 17
- Candy Koogler, Fountain Valley, CA -- 18
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- Topic
- Bruce Murden, South Lyon, MI -- Banner Tag
- Elthea Farr, Seattle, WA -- Runner Up list name
- Kevin Michael, Portland, OR -- Runner Up list name
- Naomi Rose, East Farmingdale NY -- Honorable Mention list name
- Phil Bentley, Austin, TX -- Honorable Mention list name
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Thomas Dolby, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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