13. His seminar is titled, "Harnessing the Power of Self-Loathing."

12. Kicks things off by leading everyone in a group raspberry.

11. Keeps remarking how coffin-like the lectern is.

10. "Finishing last is okay -- as long as you don't make an utter fool of yourself in the process. Trust me on this one, folks."

9. His wrists are bandaged and his suit has visible blood stains.

8. "The key to a happy and successful life? Don't marry a soul-sucking, bank-account-draining minion of Satan."

7. "Think *inside* the box. The lined, wooden box. Or inside the urn."

6. During the "fire walk," asks that you try not to disturb his ex-wife's ashes.

5. Asks everyone in the audience to just stay in their seats while he flips through his high school yearbook and sobs softly.

4. Everybody gets a workshop kit consisting of a razor blade and a fifth of Jack Daniel's.

3. After failing to catch you during a "trust fall," he replies, "Welcome to the reality of life, pal."

2. Keeps reminding the audience that "can" is 50 percent of "cancer."

   and the Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...

1. "You can do it! You can make a difference! Well, good for you, you smug bastards. I, on the other hand, am a worthless loser."

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