15. Spectacular Hollywood-style entrance, complete with duck feathers and crutches.

14. Announces that we've traded Guam to Mexico in exchange for Puerto Vallarta and a case of tequila.

13. Viciously attacks his own party for canceling the Playboy Mansion fundraiser.

12. Startling revelation that Rudy is the "Survivor" winner.

11. Admitted he once made out with Ross Perot during an adolescent phase when he was turned on by "whiny men with big ears."

10. Announced that Hillary has reconsidered and will allow him to live in the same hemisphere.

9. Strident call for a price cap on all 1-900 phone calls.

8. Most credit for the booming economy actually belongs to Sean "Puffy" Combs.

7. The part of "Chelsea" played by Anna Kournikova.

6. "President Clinton, you've served your country for 8 years -- what are you going to do next?" "I'm going to Hooters!"

5. That shiny, new "Hillary 2000" earring.

4. Asked voters not to blame Gore "for my mistakes with Ms. Lewinsky and that cute little Filipino girl that nobody ever found out abo... DOH!!!"

3. Accepted and paid for the mid-speech Domino's pizza without missing a beat.

2. "In the words of that great Gospel thong, er -- SONG..."

   and the Number 1 Surprise During President Clinton's Convention Speech...

1. The most powerful man in the free world loses his train of thought when he spots Mayor McCheese on the convention floor.

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