15. The judges weren't impressed by your rendition of "Cop Killer."

14. Your simultaneous efforts to get a Florida State football scholarship left you with a bad steroid rash and confusing secondary sexual characteristics.

13. The "Survivor" producers are still looking for you in Tora Bora.

12. Imitating Marilyn Monroe's version of "Happy Birthday" is just plain creepy when you sing it in your old high school football uniform.

11. Instead of a contract with Death Row Records, your singing actually landed you on death row.

10. You should have thought twice about thanking Uncle Osama after singing your rousing pop song, "Death to America."

9. Your vocal resonance was consistently impaired by that finger in your nose.

8. Yes, the bald look is in. Yes, bowling shirts can be cool. Adding "accountant" to the mix was pushing it, though.

7. The "unique" sound the judges mentioned was actually your voicebox running low on batteries.

6. In your navel: A big diamond stud.
   In your teeth: A big piece of spinach.

5. A true superstar would have kept right on singing "Love Theme from 'Titanic'" after the judges started shooting.

4. A Cher impersonator better be able to sing -- even more so one who refuses to shave his legs.

3. Perhaps this wasn't the time to debut your song, "Paula Abdul Looks Like a Fool."

2. That was probably the first time the judges had ever heard "The Greatest Love Of All" sung with so much profanity.

   and the Number 1 Reason You Weren't Picked as an American Idol Finalist...

1. Your breasts are bigger than Britney's -- and your penis is bigger than Tommy Lee's.

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