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TopFive.com
One less monkey, one less keyboard.
September 13, 2002


~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~


For the first time in my 8 years of doing TopFive,
I have a very sad announcement to make, as we in
the TopFive family have lost one of our own.

Long-time contributor Don Swain passed away unexpectedly on
August 30th, mere days after beginning his first semester
of law school at Case Western Reserve University.

Don was only 26, and was well-liked by all of
us who got to know him. By all rights, he should
have been allowed to remain on this planet
much longer, but some things defy explanation.
We already miss him and his unique sense of humor.

Today we thought we'd offer a little celebration of Don
by running through the highlights of his TopFive "career."


    [Don made his TopFive debut on September 2, 1997.]

    The Top 15 Signs Your Band Will Never Win a Grammy

    1. Your latest single, "Bugger the Guv'nor," lacks the edge sought by today's sophisticated Top40 listener.


    [The following are his numerous #1 entries...]

    October 16, 1997

    The Top 16 Chelsea Clinton Pet Peeves About College

    1. The man makes 200 grand a year -- you'd think he could bring his own weed when he visits.


    September 23, 1997

    The Top 16 Signs You Live in a Really Small Town

    1. To fill out this year's varsity football squad, Coach had to father 3 children.


    October 27, 1997

    The Top 15 Freudian Pick-Up Lines

    1. "...and ven I snap my fingers, you vill put your clothes back on and remember none of zis.."


    February 3, 1998

    The Top 16 Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Story

    1. Cleavage and Butt-Head Do America


    February 3, 1998

    The Top 16 X-Rated Movies Based on the Monica Lewinsky Scandal

    1. Blew DaGoon


    March 17, 1998

    The Top 16 Exercises That Can be Done in a Bar

    1. The "Charles Barkley's in the Club!" Obstacle Course


    April 17, 1998

    The Top 16 Signs You've Got Bad Seats at Yankee Stadium

    1. In the overhang immediately above you, Rush Limbaugh serves yet another round of hot dogs to Cecil Fielder's family.


    April 22, 1998

    The Top 14 Rejected Messages in Secretaries' Day Cards

    1. Roses are pricey, you eat like a horse.
      This two-dollar card was my only recourse.


    July 17, 1998

    The Top 14 Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out

    1. In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18-year-old, rather than the geeky 14-year-old boy she'd pretended to be.


    October 22, 1999

    The Top 21 Movies About Bestiality

    1. Honey, I F***ed the Dog!


    February 9, 2001

    The Top 14 Changes to the White House Website

    1. URL officially changed to DubyaDubyaDubya.whitehouse.gov.


    October 12, 2001

    The Top 13 Little-Known U.S. History Facts

    1. "I cannot tell a lie, Father. The Vast Right Wing Conspiracy cut down your cherry tree."


    October 24, 2001

    The Top 15 Oxymorons for the 21st Century

    1. MTV Video


    June 21, 2002

    The Top 16 Signs It's Time to Get Out of Show Business

    1. Thirty seconds into your Celebrity Boxing bout, Gary Coleman is standing triumphantly on your chest with his gloves raised in victory.


    [Fittingly, Don got a #1 on this, his last submission to TopFive.]

    August 28, 2002

    The Top 25 X-Rated Ways to Leave Your Lover

    1. Spooge on the dress, Prez.


    [And here's a handful of Don's Ruminations...]

    If I ever found a hooker in Los Angeles who looked like Julia Roberts, I'd immediately say to myself, "Hey! What the hell am I doing in California?"


    I think we have to question the values of a world where a million Chinese people are slaughtered just to save a few chickens. Or at least, that's what I heard.


    Remember, fellas: Nothing says, "I want to get kicked in the balls," like a box of fat-free chocolates.


    I was getting worried about Grandma. Her letters had grown increasingly bizarre and disjointed over the previous months. The lady at the nursing home eased my mind a great deal, though, when she promised to wrestle the old bag's stamps away.


    More on Don Swain



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