14. "Mandatory registration and waiting periods for those damned scooter things."

13. "Beer will be officially added to the USDA pyramid as the most important food group."

12. "I *will* have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Zeta-Jones. On network TV. With no commercials."

11. "I'll eliminate government red tape so that McDonald's can be free to sell Shamrock Shakes the whole year-round."

10. "A chicken in every pot. Ok, screw the chicken -- just the pot. Loads and loads of pot."

9. "And if electered President, I promise to learned to speach more betterer."

8. "Forget Microsoft -- I'll get the Justice Department to break up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt."

7. "Funds will be allocated to make the Statue of Liberty look much more like Rosie Perez."

6. "I'm going to take the social security surplus out of the lock box, and put it into a Ziploc bag -- not an ordinary one, but one of those where blue and yellow make green. That way I know it's safe."

5. "Under my administration, State of the Union addresses will only last five minutes and will be communicated using interpretive dance techniques."

4. "If victorious in November, I will after 30 years of seeking higher and higher public office have finally erased the serious self-esteem issues which drew me to a career in government in the first place."

3. "Gore daughters for everyone!"

2. "I intend to dissolve the Presidency and turn control of the government over to a team of Animatronic chimps."

   and the Number 1 Campaign Promise We'd Like to Hear...

1. "I'll make this speech short."

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