The Top 13 Signs a Presidential Candidate is a Top 5 List Fan

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November 5, 1999

~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
As reported in Monday's NY Daily News, Vice President Al Gore
recently "borrowed" a bit of material from a Top 5 List
when he needed some comedy to spice up a speech.

Specifically, Crazy Al decided to use one of the Runners Up
from our February 24th list of Jewish Country & Western Songs.
Then again, Al Gore invented Top5.

As the Daily News said, "Alluding to the idiosyncracies
of Jewish culture he learned from [New Republic editor
in chief Martin] Peretz, Gore mentioned a song they had
both grown to like: 'Mamas, Don't Let Your Ungrateful
Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (when they could just as
easily have taken over the family business that my own
grandfather broke his back to start, and my father
sweated over for years, which apparently doesn't mean
anything now that you're turning your back on such a gift).'"

{The following list is for the longtime Top5 connoisseur,
and may contain references too obscure for casual readers
and recent subscribers. In other words, it's for our homies.}

The Top 13 Signs a Presidential Candidate is a Top 5 List Fan

When introduced at first debate, screams out "Rookie!" after his name.
He never had sex with that woman -- hell, *any* woman.
His choice for Secretary of Agriculture? "Babe" T.H. Dumpling.
Scores big with, "Let me tell you something, sir -- you're no Bill Muse!"
Rather than take the dreaded contributor test, sends repeated "Intern Bribes" to Chris White's house.
Proposes a new Cabinet position: "Secretary of Ruminations."
Confides to Hispanic crowd that he invented tofu burritos.
Every time his speech isn't going well, he blurts out, "Amy Fisher shoots you in the head!"
Cannot resist challenge to think up clever names for hurricanes when touring federal disaster areas.
Debate rebuttals always start with, "That's what *you* think, Chester."
Legally changes his name to Al Hebert-Gore.
"Hires" volunteer speechwriters and then constantly screws up their work with his own inane re-writes.
and the Number 1 Sign a Presidential Candidate is a Top 5 List Fan...
Orders the Pentagon be rebuilt with 14 sides.

Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!

Selected from 118 submissions from 43 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:

Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX -- 1, 7 (10th #1) Email / Hall of Famer
Duncan Haberly, San Francisco, CA -- 2 Email
Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 3, 4 Email / Hall of Famer
Jeffrey Anbinder, Ithaca, NY -- 4 Email / Website
Jim Key, Garland, TX -- 4
Laurie Northrup, Clinton, NY -- 4 Website
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 4
Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA -- 4 Email
Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY -- 4, 6 Email
Fred Hesby, Portland, OR -- 5 Email / Website
Kevin Freels, Burbank, CA -- 8 Email / Website
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 9 Email
Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA -- 10, HM list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
Jonathan D. Colan, Miami, FL -- 11, Topic Email / Hall of Famer
Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 12
Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA -- 13 Email / Website
Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag Email
Kris Johnson, Burbank, CA -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- X-tra comedy material Email
Chris White, New York, NY -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
The Dave Clark Five, Tottenham, London, England -- Ambience




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