November 19, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Well, the Harry Potter movie is finally out, and every
kid in America has already seen it 20 or 30 times.
Here at TopFive, we think it's unrealistic to depict
a 12 year old wizard using his powers to battle evil.
The Top 16 Things a *Real*
12 Year Old Wizard Would Do
- Turn that owl into a Hooters waitress
- Change Mom into supermodel Heidi Klum, but only for a few seconds at a time. Drive Dad nuts!
- Screw thumbtacks -- put a T-Rex in the teacher's chair!
- Use mystical powers to get school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau to sleep with you. Then again, regular kid powers might do the trick.
- Bring about world peace -- through brutal domination with his minions of large-breasted, booger-firing KoolAidMan-bots
- Grow pubes
- Make sure he doesn't develop carpal tunnel from spending too much time "polishing the magic wand"
- Dad's salary: $54,000; Young wizard's allowance: $212,000
- Replace quavery voice with authoritative James Earl Jones version. For that matter, why stop at the voice?
- In the middle of the concert, impress his friends by casting a "Britney Blouse Removal" spell
- Brussels sprouts turn into s'mores the second they hit the plate.
- Figure out the best place to put the baseball cards in a broom to make cool motor sounds
- Emergency Embarrassing Erection Elimination
- Try not to tarnish his reputation. (Oops! That's what a 38-year old Wizard coming out of retirement would do!)
- Perform a widespread "nylon-to-cotton-candy" transformation at the girls' swim meet
and the Number 1 Thing a *Real* 12 Year Old Wizard Would Do...
- "I wish I were big -- and not the Tom Hanks kind of big, but the Tommy Lee kind of big."
Join ClubTop5 to check out the
runner up submissions for this list.
Selected from 109 submissions from 41 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL -- 1 (4th #1)
- Martin Bredeck, Hybla Valley, VA -- 2, 8
- Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC -- 3 Email
- Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 4, 7 Hall of Famer
- Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 4, 10
- Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN -- 5 Website
- Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada -- 6, 15
- Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA -- 9 Email / Website
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 10, Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Ashley Deckard, Houston, TX -- 10 Email
- Sam Evans, Charleston, SC -- 11 Email / Hall of Famer
- Don Swain, Rochester Hills, MI -- 12 Email
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 13, 16
- Rachel Blubaugh, Lewisville, TX -- 14 Email / Website
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- Topic Email / Hall of Famer
- Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY -- Banner Tag Email / Website
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- Runner Up list name Email
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Screamin' Jay Hawkins, Cleveland, OH -- Ambience (explanation)
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