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Side effects may include headache, nausea, and vomiting.
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November 20, 2000
The Top 15 Problems With
Holding an Election in Hell
(Part I)
- Hey, *you* try to hand-count the ballots by the deadline with wolves and serpents gnawing at your genitals!!
- Due to the use of pitchforks, *all* ballots are discarded as showing votes for three candidates.
- If you think Nixon sweated a lot during earthly debates, wait till you get a load of him down here.
- All candidates -- not just George W. Bush -- are covered with festering facial boils.
- Ballots with improperly-punched chads result in Gervon winning the White House and George W. getting elected ruler of the Maleborge region of Hell, with a landslide victory in the areas of Hypocrites, Thieves and Sowers of Schism.
- During debates, both candidates must wear those big, foam-rubber "We're #1" hands.
- Low voter turnout due to residents being preoccupied with creating new "reality shows" for FOX.
- Wacky third-party candidates aren't feather boa-clad professional wrestlers -- they're mini-mustachioed tyrannical despots.
- Lawyers always decide the elections -- then again, *everyone* in Hell is a lawyer.
- Confused Democrats always mistake the waiting line for the voting booth with the waiting line to get your larynx cut out with a rusty nail.
- Gates and Trump are always late with their absentee ballots.
- Satan's younger brother, Beezlejeb, plays fast and loose with the rules.
- Smell of brimstone never enough to mask the stench of an election.
- While you're trying to decide, confusing "Giant, Rabid Bat" style ballots puncture *you*.
and the Number 1 Problem With Holding an Election in Hell...
- Ballot instructions read, "Cleanly punch chad in appropriate hole." Your name? Chad.
Join ClubTop5 and check out the Runners Up submissions for this list!
Selected from 180 submissions from 63 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL -- 1 (2nd #1)
- Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL -- 2, 6 Email
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 2 Email / Website
- Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 3, 7
- Carla Brandon, San Diego, CA -- 3 Email
- Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD -- 4 Email / Hall of Famer
- Ann Bartow, Bartow, FL -- 4
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 5 Email
- Eric Lipton, Washington, DC -- 7, 12
- Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA -- 7, 14 Hall of Famer
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 7
- Peg Warner, Exeter, NH -- 7 Email
- Chris Walker, Calimesa, CA -- 8 Email / Website
- Ross Brown, Seattle, WA -- 9, 11 Email
- Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA -- 10 Email / Website
- Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC -- 13 Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 14 Email
- Kathy Good, Phoenix, AZ -- 14
- Joseph Moore, Concord, CA -- 14 Email
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 14 Email
- Scott Sistek, Seattle, WA -- 14 Email
- Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN -- 15 Hall of Famer
- Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN -- Topic Email / Website
- Naomi Rose, East Farmingdale, NY -- Banner tag
- Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA -- Runner Up list name
- Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL -- Runner Up list name Email / Website
- Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA -- HM list name Email / Hall of Famer
- Chris White, Irvine, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Marvin Lee Aday, Dallas, TX -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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