15. "The rule states that the person who gets the larger portion of the wishbone wins -- but we can certainly re-measure again by hand."

14. "Pour a little gravy on my thighs -- I'm stuck in this chair!"

13. "Butterball? No. It's an Elian brand turkey -- when it's ready, Janet Reno's thugs kick in the door and pull it out of the oven at gunpoint."

12. "Stop that, Little Tommy! I told you... no Asian market trading during dinner!"

11. "There's a piece of colored paper underneath everyone's plate. Whoever has the brown one has to change Grandpa after dinner."

10. "Is that your final helping, lardass?"

9. "George, why are looking at Jeb that way? Carve the turkey or put the knife down!"

8. "Mom! I just saw Granny sticking her hand into the turkey's 'special places'!"

7. "I said, 'Pass the mother*&%#$! yams', mother*&%#$!" (Samuel L. Jackson's house only)

6. "Mom, can I have a second helping of guilt trip?"

5. "Oh, yeah?! We'll see if you still think this is a dysfunctional family with a drumstick shoved up your ass!"

4. "Yes, Mr. President, we understand. You're a breast man. That's very funny, Sir."

3. "Mom! Uncle Stu went to sleep under the kids' table and the dogs are eating his throw-up!"

2. "Now be sure to look out for Uncle Art's glass eye in the creamed onions."

   and the Number 1 Thing Commonly Overheard at Thanksgiving Dinner...

1. "Could you please pass the stomach pump?"

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