November 29, 2001
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Tobacco giant Philip Morris, owners of Kraft
Foods and Miller Beer, plan to change their
name next year to "The Altria Group."
The Top 17 Rejected Slogans for The Altria Group
- New Snazzy Name, Same Lying Scumbags!
- Altria: The Curiously Strong Carcinogen
- Altria: Because "al Qaeda" was already taken
- Oh, like you never gave a fake name before screwing somebody?
- Try Our Healthy Organic Oral Incense Sticks!
- It's Latin for "Light up, Spunky!"
- Altria: We shortened the name so you can say it without coughing.
- We're not your father's multi-national corporate killing machine.
- Hey, *you* try coming up with a good name when you HAVEN'T HAD A SMOKE IN TWO F***ING HOURS!
- Altria: Because some little shit wanted $500,000 for the rights to eSmoke.com
- Have Fun Retyping All Those Lawsuits, Suckers!
- And We're Also Referring to Lung Cancer as "Respiria"
- Altria: The Name Just Rolls Off Your Yellow Tongue
- Deaths to date from smoking Altria cigarettes: 0
- Lame? Sure, but it's still WAY better than "Attack of the Clones"
- Mr. Morris, If You're Nasty
and the Number 1 Rejected Slogan for The Altria Group...
- We don't make cancer. We make it cancerier.
Join ClubTop5 to check out the
runner up submissions for this list.
Selected from 205 submissions from 73 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Ontario, Canada -- 1 (Woohoo! Rookie! 1st #1!)
- Curt Cutting, Santa Monica, CA -- 2
- Gail Celio, Athens, GA -- 3
- Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX -- 4 Email
- Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC -- 5, 10, Topic Hall of Famer
- Mark Schmidt, Paris, France -- 6, 7, 15 (Hat Trick!) Email
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 7 Email / Hall of Famer
- Greg Pettit, Houston, TX -- 8, 13 Email
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- 8 Email
- Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA -- 9
- Kristie Black, Toronto, Ontario, Canada -- 11 (Rookie!)
- Rob Knapp, Charlotte, NC -- 12 Email / Website
- Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 13, Honorable Mention lis Email / Website
- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA -- 14
- Matt Moore, Fresno, CA -- 16 Email
- Beth Black, Misawa City, Japan -- 17 Email / Website
- Charles Gulledge, Richardson, TX -- Banner Tag
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- RU list name Email / Website / Hall of Famer
- Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL -- HM list name Hall of Famer
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- List moderator
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Email / Hall of Famer
- Bob Seger, Detroit, MI -- Ambience (explanation)
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