• "Officer Binks says meesa think yoosa bin berry bad!"
  (Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

• Citing someone for mixing a Prada bag with an Armani winter coat seems a bit much.
  (Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)

• Fulfill their quota for traffic violation citations in one monthly visit to the bumper cars.
  (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)

• Full lights 'n' siren escorts for all customers of the White Castle drive-thru.
  (David Hyatt, New York, NY)

• Instead of nightsticks, they beat suspects with night stands.
  (George T. MacMillan, Shillington, PA)

• New mascot: Misty McGruff, the Crime Slut
  (Jeffrey Anbinder, New York, NY)

• Official new department motto: "To serve and protect folks we see frequently on Sundays, if you catch our drift."
  (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

• Overnight, familiar road signs have disappeared and been replaced with green octagonal signs that say "Go."
  (Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY)

• Roadside tests for alcohol intoxication now require you to breathe onto a photograph of Larry Hagman, "Just to see if he smiles."
  (Dave Juurlink, Toronto, Canada)

• They direct traffic dressed as Marcel Marceau. God help you if you walk against the wind incorrectly.
  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)

• They replace "Protect and Serve" on the squad car door with "Tee Many Martoonis."
  (Paul Schindler, Orinda, CA)

• Vice cops now insist on being paid in goats.
  (Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

• Your boyfriend was just arrested for "Grand Theft Booty."
  (Peter Rogers, Austin, TX)

• Runner Up list name
  (Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

• After confiscating marijuana, they actually destroy it.
  (Kim Moser, New York, NY)

• Bought Enron at $80. Yesterday.
  (Bob Van Voris, New York, NY)

• Every Friday is Confiscated Bong Giveaway Day.
  (Whit Watson, West Hartford, CT)

• Happily accept Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" cards in lieu of bail money.
  (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

• Has every member of the force investigating the criminal lack of sense in the movie "I Am Sam."
  (David Kass, Queens, NY)

• Have given up coffee in favor of percolating their own urine.
  (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

• If they catch you with a radar detector, they make you eat it.
  (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

• If you're arrested on your birthday, the entire precinct gathers around to serenade you with one of those annoying clapping birthday songs.
  (Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

• Miranda rights read with the phrase "in bed" after each sentence.
  (George T. MacMillan, Shillington, PA)

• New profiling technique: Pull over chicks suspected of being so hot it's illegal!
  (Chris Urich, Herkimer, NY)

• New program in the schools: DARE To Keep Kids Off My Damn Lawn or I'll Blow Their Little Heads Off
  (Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

• No police float in this year's Satan Days parade.
  (Bob Van Voris, New York, NY)

• Normal uniforms are brown bowler hats and thick nerd glasses. But when a 911 call comes in, they put on the blue bodysuit with the red cape and red underpants on top.
  (Andrea Crain, Madison, WI)

• Officers wear bullet-proof vests made from the foil wrapped around Wrigley's chewing gum.
  (Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY)

• Out: Kevlar vests. In: tin-foil hats.
  (Bob Van Voris, New York, NY)

• Thanks to the unholy influence on our children of that godless sorceress Mary Poppins, carrying an umbrella gets you a one-way ticket to Rodney Kingville.
  (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

• The department avoids charges of racial profiling by making only mathematical arrests: every hundredth random person gets popped.
  (Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)

• They have begun using bows and arrows instead of firearms, to give criminals "a sporting chance."
  (Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA)

• They keep trying to send their prisoners to Guantanamo.
  (David Kass, Queens, NY)

• They've declared the Hamburglar to be Public Enemy #1.
  (David Kass, Queens, NY)
  (Greg Preece, Toronto, Canada)

• Two words: tofu doughnuts
  (Lisa Oliver, London, England)

• Honorable Mention list name
  (Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)