• 2 seconds into the run and that tofu burrito lunch kicks in.
  (Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN)

• After failing to negotiate a particularly nasty turn, you find yourself fighting vicious downtown traffic.
  (Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

• After passing that breath-taking blonde at the first curve, suddenly you're not as aerodynamic as you used to be in that jumpsuit, if you know what I mean.
  (David Kass, Queens, NY)

• Can't wax the runners since Oksana Baiul demanded the return of her bikini wax.
  (Marsha Clodfelter, Corpus Christi, TX)

• Good News: you're breaking your speed record. Bad News: you're on the giant slalom ramp.
  (Jennifer Markes, West Hollywood, CA)

• It's not so much that your head's up your ass, more that your ass is wrapped around your head.
  (Matt Diamond, Holland, PA)

• One word: ass-sickle
  (Jim Rosenberg, Greensboro, NC)

• Onlookers ask you for your autograph on your way by.
  (Dave Henry, Slidell, LA)

• Sled enters long, dark tunnel; deceased relatives seen beckoning from distant point of light
  (Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA)

• That Preparation H just doesn't seem to be cooling things down like it usually does.
  (Kevin Freels, Sun Valley, CA)

• The doctor finds polyps. (Oops! That's a sign your *lube* run isn't going well.)
  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)

• There's a brick wall across the run, a snickering coyote standing next to it, and your partner is an abnormally large bird whose luck has just run out.
  (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

• Things to remember for 2002: sled goes on bottom, you go on top.
  (Josh Fruhlinger, Oakland, CA)

• Vern Lundquist begins his agonizing "Ooooo" as you enter the start house.
  (Sam Evans, Charleston, SC)

• You already been passed by a Soap Box-driving Boy Scout and a Sumo in an inner tube.
  (Larry G. Hollister, Concord, CA)

• You are riding the late Avery Brundidge.
  (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)

• You haven't crossed the finish line yet, but your agent has already sold the replay rights to "The Best Sports Bloopers" and you now have an endorsement deal with Aetna Life Insurance.
  (Mark Schmidt, Santa Cruz, CA)

• You just received the first televised "icicle enema."
  (Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD)

• You might have been the fastest at the your State Fair, but at the Olympics that old potato sack just doesn't cut it.
  (Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)

• You're shot down by the Japanese Air Force after missing turn #3.
  (Paul Paternoster, Redwood City, CA)

• You've already been passed by a Soap Box-driving Boy Scout and a Sumo in an inner tube.
  (David W. James, Los Angeles, CA)
  (David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)

• Your strategy of "stroke one -- then take a hit from the bong" isn't really moving you along as quickly as you thought it might.
  (Annie Fisher, Philadelphia, PA)

• Your weakness for stopping at every Bob's Big Boy you pass is really costing you a lot of seconds.
  (R.M. Weiner, Somerville, MA)