• "A" to "F" grade scale has been replaced by more readily understood "Sweeet" to "Harsh."
  (Brian Jones, Atlanta, GA)

• "Dude? Where's my GPA?"
  (Mitch Berg, Saint Paul, MN)

• BYU student handbook: "Students are not permitted to use or possess alcoholic beverages on campus." Your student handbook: "You're cleaning up your own vomit, Chester."
  (Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN)

• Foreign language requirement waived if you can drain the "Big Bertha Beaker of Beer."
  (Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY)

• Hard to tell through the haze, but you're pretty sure that's your Advanced Differential Equations professor handing you the bong.
  (Peter Rogers, Austin, TX)

• It's a pretty safe bet that "Zonko" isn't the Dean's real name.
  (Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH)

• More campus-sponsored 12-step programs than Julliard.
  (Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

• The Clinton who spoke at your graduation was Roger.
  (Fred Hesby, Portland, OR)

• The first 500 freshmen to arrive at orientation receive a free beer bong.
  (Pat McCarley, Missouri City, TX)

• The fountain at the entrance depicts two cherubs projectile vomiting on each other.
  (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)

• The ugly, poorly-dressed girls surrounding you each day are miraculously replaced every night by an equal number of calendar-worthy hotties.
  (Beth Kohl, Chicago, IL)

• The valedictorian gives his speech via satellite from the Betty Ford center.
  (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)

• This year's honorary degrees went to Keith Richards, Robert Downey, Jr. and Hugh Hefner.
  (Dan Johnson, Champlin, MN)

• Woody Harrelson stops by to give the commencement address -- daily.
  (Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

• You're starting varsity this year on the Quarters Team.
  (Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN)

• Your major was undeclared -- until you discovered the degree program in "Chillin' Out."
  (Jennifer Ford, Fort Wayne, IN)

• Your sports teams are called the "Ragin' Hangovers."
  (Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL)

• Runner Up list name
  (Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)

• "And now, to welcome the incoming freshman class, let me introduce Dean Jimmy Buffett."
  (Jason Anderson, Birmingham, AL)

• "Man, it's finals week and I gotta pull an all-nighter in the Meth Lab!"
  (Rob Wolf, Seattle, WA)

• "Who's Got the Anthrax?" to "Quarters": A Historical Survey of Drinking Games
  (Michael Sheinbaum, King of Prussia, PA)

• According to the college catalog, your school had the distinction of being Jenna Bush's safety school.
  (Lloyd Jacobson, Washington, DC)

• Actually *has* fraternities named "I Tappa Kegga" and "I Phelta Thigh."
  (Dawson Rambo, Santa Rosa, CA)

• Administrators attempted to boost the school's image by recruiting the Bush twins.
  (Fred Hesby, Portland, OR)

• All Monday morning lectures are delivered in whisper.
  (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)

• Barf bags conveniently located on the back of classroom seats.
  (Matt Siske, Dayton, OH)

• Bursar's office accepts "cash, credit cards or kind buds."
  (Lev L. Spiro, Los Angeles, CA)

• Diplomas are pieced together from bits of used confetti.
  (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)

• Dude, 'cause Kappa Sig totally ROCKS, dude! BOOYAH!!!!!
  (Greg Pettit, Houston, TX)

• Fraternity hazing consists solely of simulated interventions.
  (Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN)

• Other schools: 20 pizza parlors on Main St. Your school: 20 holes in the street labeled "Please Vomit Here."
  (John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA)

• Required freshman courses include Seagram's 7, Colt 45 and Bacardi 121
  (Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)

• The "Welcome Freshmen Kegger" is scheduled for Monday at 9 AM.
  (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

• The administration flatly denies it's a party school, year after year after year.
  (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

• The botany wing was built by Frito-Lay.
  (John Treusch, Burlington, NJ)

• Tuition is among the lowest in the university system -- but they don't tell you that each class and lecture has a three-drink minimum.
  (Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA)

• Your "Bartending Arts" professor looks exactly like... hey, it *IS* Ted Kennedy!
  (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

• Your Philosophy professor's $40 lab fee covers the huge cooler full of beers he brings to class.
  (Jaime McCarley, Houston, TX)

• Your declared major: "Kegger Administration"
  (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

• Your dorm room has no fridge, no desk, and no bed -- but it *does* have a disco ball and a wet bar.
  (Peter Rogers, Austin, TX)

• Your orientation package includes a stomach pump and a valid "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
  (Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada)

• Your physical education class begins each swimming course with a wet T-shirt contest.
  (Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX)

• Honorable Mention list name
  (Jeff Scherer, Brooklyn, NY)