• Being buried head-down in excrement doesn't make it any easier to read them butterfly ballots.
  (David Kass, Queens, NY)

• Bikini-clad election workers all resemble Walter Matthau.
  (Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

• Even with the choice being "vote or get a red-hot poker up the backside," voter apathy is still pretty high.
  (Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)

• Every single year, another "You won't have Dick Nixon to kick around anymore!" speech from Tricky Dick himself.
  (Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN)

• Hitler's always filing bogus legal challenges because he has nothing better to do with his time.
  (Michael Whitmire, Houston, TX)

• Keep getting confused about whether a "Yes" on Question 7 means you support the proposed excise-tax credit for torso-eating giant sandworms or oppose it.
  (Andy Ihnatko, Boston, MA)

• News anchors' quips about "hot off the press" bulletins get old pretty fast.
  (Bruce Ansley, Baltimore, MD)

• No "lesser evil" on ballot when only two choices are Satan and Buchanan.
  (Doug Finney, Houston, TX)

• Only in Hell: The electorate is divided right down the middle and both candidates totally suck!
  (Jennifer Ford, Fort Wayne, IN)

• The Attila the Hun-George Burns ticket just keeps winning year after year after year.
  (Eric Lipton, Washington, DC)

• Runner Up list name
  (Kevin Wickart, Normal, IL)

• Difficult for people from other states to come to a little town in Michigan -- and the traffic would be horrendous!
  (Fran Fruit, Winnetka, IL)

• Friggin' Hitler keeps pushing you to vote for Buchanan.
  (Geoff Brown, Ann Arbor, MI)

• Hey, *you* try asking Satan for time off work so you can vote!
  (Brad Osberg, Calgary, Canada)

• Impossible to tell the difference between a mutilated ballot and a write-in vote for Jack the Ripper.
  (Dave Goudsward, Harrisburg, PA)

• In Hell, a "hanging chad" is a LOT more painful than it might sound.
  (Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN)

• Local news always interrupting with more Weather Watch 2000 each time another state is called for Nader.
  (Brian M. Klesc, Joliet, IL)

• Mighty tiresome hearing Dante refer to the election as a "Divine Comedy."
  (Glenn Marcus, Washington, DC)

• Not easy figuring out how to torture voters more than Florida already has.
  (Tim McKemy, Chandler, AZ)

• Thanks to the inscrutable ballot design, *every* vote is a vote for Pat Buchanan!
  (Hank Weilevy, Fairless Hills, PA)

• The Democrat vote would be split between Al Gore, Ralph Nader, and the Beast Who Rises From the Sea to Rule the Cities.
  (Chris Irby, Dallas, TX)

• They have one EVERY... FRIGGIN'... WEEK!!!
  (Travis Ruetenik, Honolulu, HI)

• Too many meet 'n' greets can cause your cloven feet to swell.
  (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)

• Voting Commissioner Hitler more interested in making speeches than counting ballots.
  (Steve Hurd, Somewhere in Australia)

• You think carpal tunnel is a bitch, trying hand-counting ballots when your fingers are on fire!
  (Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)

• Honorable Mention list name
  (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)