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As seen on "Oprah"
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January 2, 2008
The Top 14 Complaints of Mall Santas
- Dry cleaners refuse to clean the Santa suits due to the dried snot and overwhelming stench of urine.
- That food court smell stays in your beard for weeks.
- The North Pole never seems to be set up in front of Victoria's Secret.
- Those little bastards can smell whiskey breath from a mile away.
- Thanks to friggin' Nintendo, you can't tell if a kid is asking for a video game console or he's about to piss all over you.
- "You're going to have to talk louder, Timmy, so Santa can hear you over the gunfire!"
- Temp agency elves aren't nearly as servile as the real deal.
- Do you have any idea how hard it is to do a one-cheek sneak with a kid in your lap?
- One little "Tell your mommy Santa thinks she's a MILF" and suddenly you're a bad Santa.
- You keep hoping those busty girls from Orange Julius will pay a visit, but noooo -- every day, it's Rusty from Radio Shack.
- On December 26, it's back to ogling little girls in the park.
- You pee on one kid for a change and -- *boom!* -- Santa's doing hard time.
- No one really cares that you were once married to Britney Spears.
and the Number 1 Complaint of Mall Santas...
- Hard to send the appropriate toe-tapping signals in the men's room with these big-ass boots on.
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Selected from 104 submissions from 35 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 1, 5 (16th #1)
- Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 2, 12
- Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 3, 7
- Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- 3
- Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 4 Hall of Famer
- Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 6
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 8
- Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 9 Hall of Famer
- Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 10 Website / Hall of Famer
- Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX -- 11 Website
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- 12 Hall of Famer
- Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN -- 12
- Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA -- 12 Website / Hall of Famer
- Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 12 Hall of Famer
- Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 12 Hall of Famer
- Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 Hall of Famer
- Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 14
- Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- Big Daddy and the Bluenotes, Flathead Valley, Montana -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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