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Limit one laugh per customer.
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January 18, 2007
~~~ NOTE FROM CHRIS: ~~~
Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the world's biggest retailer
and an icon of American capitalism, reports that
local employees have established a branch of
the Communist Party at its China headquarters.
The Top 16 Differences in a Communist Wal-Mart
- Long lines, empty shelves, grumpy cashiers -- even when it's not Christmastime!
- Excess items in your cart get redistributed to people with fewer items.
- In *this* Wal-Mart, the necks aren't the only things that are red.
- Greeters check your Communist Party ID card before wishing you an "adequate shopping experience."
- Four tires made by state-run tire company: 27 yuan.
One pair tennis shoes: 18 yuan.
Two-seat stroller: 25-to-life in Mongolian prison.
- Gang of Four albums always on sale.
- Amazingly, the clothing selection is even *lamer* at the Communist Wal-Mart.
- Returns and exchanges must be taken to the Siberia store.
- The only cat food they carry is Mao-Mix.
- Unlike most Wal-Marts, here you can actually find products made in your home country.
- "All day, every day: Our >CrAzY< sale on hammers and sickles!!!"
- Point-of-sale item next to the cash register: dog jerky.
- Cameras monitor your every move. Voices boom over loudspeakers. Glum employees sell mass-manufactured inferior goods. TV propaganda portrays the corporation as working for the good of all people. Shoppers are all poor, soulless, downtrod-- ... er, never mind.
- Every third Wednesday is "Nostalgik Breadline Day."
- Always on clearance: infant girls.
and the Number 1 Difference in a Communist Wal-Mart...
- If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao,
you get up to 50 percent off your Puppy Chow.
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Selected from 125 submissions from 45 contributors.
Today's Top Five List authors were:
- David Kass, Queens, NY -- 1, 9, 15 (50th #1/Hat trick!) Hall of Famer
- Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 2 Hall of Famer
- Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- 3
- Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN -- 4
- Brad Hamer, Austin, TX -- 4
- Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 5
- David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 6 Website
- Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA -- 7
- Mary Ann McDonald, Sacramento, CA -- 8
- Chuck Sawyer, Rochester, NY -- 10
- John J. Brassil, Nashville, TN -- 11
- Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA -- 12, 13
- Travis Ruetenik, Hiroshima, Japan -- 14
- Doug Finney, Houston, TX -- 16
- John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- Topic
- Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ -- Banner Tag
- Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor Hall of Famer
- The Commundards, London, England -- Ambience (explanation)
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TopFive.com and The Top 5 List are owned by Chris White.
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