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                      C  L  U  B  T  O  P  5
               Good God! Jump back -- list myself!
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                         January 30, 2007

                         NOTE FROM CHRIS:

            Academy Award nominations were last week.
           Of course, as always, they left out a few...


          The Top 16 Oscar Nominations We'd Like to See


16> Best Off-Screen Performance by a Certifiable Nutjob:
	    Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards

15> Best Serif Font in a Subtitled Film:
	    Garamond, from "Letters From Iwo Jima"

14> Best Show of Restraint in *Not* Making the Planned Sequel:
	    "Dukes of Hazzard II: Electric Boogaloo"

13> Beating-a-Dead-Horse Lifetime Achievement Award:
	    Sylvester Stallone

12> Outstanding Technical Merit for Casting a Wilson Brother
    in a Role in Which the Audience Felt No Urge to Beat
    the Talentless Bastard to Death With a Half-Empty Box
    of Goobers by Reel Two:
        "Idiocracy"

11> Most Prominent Golden Globes: Pamela Anderson

10> Best Bitch:
	    Meryl Streep for "The Devil Wears Prada"
	    Judi Dench for "Notes on a Scandal"
	    Tara Reid

 9> Celebrity We'd Most Like to See Trip and Fall on
    His/Her Ass on the Red Carpet:
        162-way tie

 8> Most Likely to Get That Damn Smirk Slapped Off His Face:
        David Spade

 7> Best Musical We Didn't Want to Nominate for Best Picture
    'Cause "Chicago" Won in 2002 and Musical Bios Were
    Recognized in "Ray" and "Walk the Line" and Enough
    Already With the Songs:
        "Dreamgirls"

 6> Best Pitcher:
        Nick Nolte's margaritas

 5> Whatever Happened to and Who Gives a Crap:
        Steven Seagal and Melanie Griffith

 4> Best Name That Elicits Juvenile Giggling by Doubling
    as a Reference to Genitalia:
        Peter O'Toole

 3> Best Supporting Supporter:
        Roger Ebert's Girdle

 2> Best PowerPoint Presentation Masquerading as a Movie:
        "An Inconvenient Truth"


 and Topfive.com's Number 1 Oscar Nomination We'd Like to See...


 1> Best Re-Write of a Previous Script:
        Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush for "The Surge"



          [ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]


==================================================================
          "Razzie Dazzlers"    and    "Technical Awards"
          The Runner Up and Honorable Mention submissions
           for today's list come later in this message.
==================================================================
Selected from 91 submissions from 32 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN         --  1  (34th #1/Hall of Famer)
Allan Rousselle, Redmond, WA      --  2, 14
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA     --  3, 16  (Hall of Famer)
Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA      --  4, Topic
Donald Junter, New Haven, CT      --  5
Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI     --  5
Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX        --  6
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA    --  7  (Hall of Famer)
Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL    --  8
Brad Hamer, Austin, TX            --  9
Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX     -- 10
Matt Kall, Solon, OH              -- 11
Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH         -- 12, Banner Tag (Hall of Famer)
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 13
Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA      -- 13
Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA           -- 15  (Hall of Famer)
David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA    -- 16
Chris White, Studio City, CA      -- List owner/editor
Adam West, Washington, DC         -- Ambience
Ambience explained:  http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am013007.shtml

==================================================================

        ~~~~  ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day  ~~~~


                         Get a First Life
                "Go outside -- membership is free."
                     http://getafirstlife.com

                Thanks to Donna Burton for the tip.

                              -=++=-

                            Adult Swim
            Robot Chicken, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, etc.
               http://www.adultswim.com/index2.html

                  Thanks to Ron Arol for the tip.

                              -=++=-

              Send submissions to 2much@topfive.com

==================================================================

             --==++   Rumination of the Day   ++==--


             When I got my kids back from foster care
           dressed as a gay biker, a cowboy and a cop,
           it occurred to me that maybe it really does
            take the Village People to raise a child.

                         (Bob Van Voris)


             Send submissions to submit@ruminate.com

==================================================================

            --==++   TopFive's News Headlines   ++==--


Obama to Run as White Man, Saying Dems Have Black Vote Sewn Up
    (Bill Muse)

Embarrassed Mourners Learn Barbaro Wasn't in Cast of "Maude"
    (Davejames, Jody LaFerriere)

Texas Town's N-Word Ban Bumps Them From Def Comedy Jam's Host 
City Candidates List
    (Danny Gallagher, www.dannygallagher.net)

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bladder Ginsburg Having Health Problems
    (Jerry L. Embry)



             Send submissions to headlines@topfive.com

==================================================================

                --==++  Musing With Mitch  ++==--
                       by Mitchell Kobriger


Poker may get all the headlines these days, but for Mitch it's
pinochle or nothing.

I can't feel my toes anymore. I'm no Pollyanna, but I'm sure
there are a number of situations where this might come in handy.

The "Skittles" brand has no place at a Winter Olympics.
There -- I said it.

I just looked up "colonic" in my dictionary -- now there's
something Mitch wants no part of! Still, it would be a shame
to let this gift certificate go to waste.

A little advice for the style-conscious man: If the label says,
"Made in Canada," take it right back to the store.

Just once before I die, I'd like to touch that world's biggest
ball of twine.


==================================================================

          The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions

------------------------------------------------------------------
                Oscar Nominations We'd Like to See
               RUNNERS UP list  --  Razzie Dazzlers
------------------------------------------------------------------

Best Adapted Screechplay:
    "Diamond Lasts Forever"
          (Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Best Career Path to Wind Up in Soft Porn:
    Lindsay Lohan
          (Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)

Best Elimination of Sexist Language:
    The Jean Himscholt Humanitarian Award
          (Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)

Best Improvisation:
    White House Press Secretary Tony Snow
          (Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)

Best Movie in a Language Nobody Speaks:
    "Apocalypto"
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Best Plagiarized Documentary Film:
    "The Inconvenient Truth about Jewish Cowboys"
    Al Gore, Producer
          (Matt Kall, Solon, OH)

Best Portrayal of an Madman 007 Villain:
    Richard "Blofaceoff" Cheney
          (Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Best Squandering of an Oscar-Jump-Started Career:
    Cuba Gooding, Jr.
          (Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)

Best Supporting Actor Appearing Exclusively in Movies Made 
by a Sibling:
    Clint Howard
          (Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT)

Best Wardrobe Design:
    C.S. Lewis
          (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA)

Booty Most Likely to Affect the Tides:
    J-Lo
          (Richard Skora, Columbus, OH)

Didn't He/She Die a While Ago? Award:
    Peter O'Toole
          (Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI)

Fatty Arbuckle Memorial "WTF Was He Thinking?" Award:
    Mel Gibson
          (Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)

Outstanding Achievement in Exposing Audiences to the Horrors 
of Wrestling:
    "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit 
    Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan"
          (Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)

Second Best Director Most Every Year:
    Martin Scorsese
          (Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)

Worst Best Picture:
    "The English Patient"
          (Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO)

Worst Costume Design:
    Whoever decided Rosie O'Donnell should dress as a dominatrix 
    in "Exit to Eden"
          (Josh Sinnett, Bellingham, WA)


Runners Up list name
          (Ian Dauphinee, Calgary, AB, Canada)

------------------------------------------------------------------
                Oscar Nominations We'd Like to See
           HONORABLE MENTIONS list  --  Technical Awards
------------------------------------------------------------------

Actor Most Likely to Make One Consider a Gay Experience:
    Brad Pitt
          (Richard Skora, Columbus, OH)

Best "Flash" Photography:
    Britney Spears
          (Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)

Best Beard:
    Katie Holmes
          (Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX)

Best Director Who Seems to Have Lost His Edge:
    M. Night Shymalan
          (Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Best Former Talent Who Now Makes a Living Ridiculing Real Stars:
    Joan Rivers
          (Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT)

Best Portrayal of the Flawed but Likable Sports Underdog per
Hollywood Annual Formula:
    Mark Wahlberg, "Invincible"
          (Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Best Return to Cuteness by an Actor Rebelling Against Hobbit
Typecasting:
    Elijah Wood in "Happy Feet"
          (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)

Best Screenplay Written Using Find-and-Replace on Last Summer's
Hit:
    That Horror Flick -- I Can't Remember Its Name
          (Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)

Best Short Subject:
    Danny DeVito
          (David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA)

Best Use of Arses in a Non-Farting Role:
    "Dreamgirls"
          (Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)

Director Who Most Owes Me Eight Bucks, Plus Popcorn and Parking:
    David R. Ellis, "Snakes on a Plane"
          (Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)

Funniest Actor in the Same Friggin' Role Every Time:
    Will Ferrell
          (Tristan Fabriani, Passaic, NJ)

Lifetime Achievement for Gratuitous, Out-of-Shape Dance Scenes:
    John Travolta
          (Stephen A. Segall, Poplar Bluff, MO)

Most Dire Need to Shut the Hell Up:
    Rosie O'Donnell
          (Brad Hamer, Austin, TX)

Outstanding Achievement in Product Tie-in:
    Honeybaked Ham in "Thank You for Smoking"
          (Steve Hurd, Oakland, CA)

The Edward G. Robinson Egyptian Overseer Miscasting Award:
    Tom Greene in anything
          (Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL)

Tom Hanks Memorial "From Goofy Comic to Serious Actor"
Breakthrough Performance:
    Eddie Murphy
          (Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA)

Widest Gap Between Professional Ability and Psycho Personal Life:
    Tie, Lindsay Lohan and Anne Heche
          (Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)


Honorable Mentions list name
          (Kristian Idol, Burbank, CA)

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       Copyright 2007 by Chris White   All rights reserved.
         Do not publish or broadcast without permission.
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