================================================================== C L U B T O P 5 As seen on "Oprah" ================================================================== January 2, 2008 The Top 14 Complaints of Mall Santas 14> Dry cleaners refuse to clean the Santa suits due to the dried snot and overwhelming stench of urine. 13> That food court smell stays in your beard for weeks. 12> The North Pole never seems to be set up in front of Victoria's Secret. 11> Those little bastards can smell whiskey breath from a mile away. 10> Thanks to friggin' Nintendo, you can't tell if a kid is asking for a video game console or he's about to piss all over you. 9> "You're going to have to talk louder, Timmy, so Santa can hear you over the gunfire!" 8> Temp agency elves aren't nearly as servile as the real deal. 7> Do you have any idea how hard it is to do a one-cheek sneak with a kid in your lap? 6> One little "Tell your mommy Santa thinks she's a MILF" and suddenly you're a bad Santa. 5> You keep hoping those busty girls from Orange Julius will pay a visit, but noooo -- every day, it's Rusty from Radio Shack. 4> On December 26, it's back to ogling little girls in the park. 3> You pee on one kid for a change and -- *boom!* -- Santa's doing hard time. 2> No one really cares that you were once married to Britney Spears. and Topfive.com's Number 1 Complaint of Mall Santas... 1> Hard to send the appropriate toe-tapping signals in the men's room with those big-ass boots on. [ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ] ================================================================== "Sleighed" and "Lap of Suxury" The Runner Up and Honorable Mention submissions for today's list come later in this message. ================================================================== Selected from 104 submissions from 35 contributors. Today's Top 5 List authors are: ------------------------------------------------------------------ Bob Mader, Knoxville, TN -- 1, 5 (16th #1) Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA -- 2, 12 Andrew Hackard, Austin, TX -- 3, 7 Lori Petterson, Fairfax, VA -- 3 Kim Moser, New York, NY -- 4 (Hall of Famer) Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 6 John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI -- 8 Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 9 (Hall of Famer) Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH -- 10 (Hall of Famer) Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX -- 11 David Kass, Queens, NY -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Tom Stoudt, Fort Washington, PA -- 12 (Hall of Famer) Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN -- 12 Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 13 (Hall of Famer) Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 14 Caryn Kennealy, Glendale, CA -- Banner Tag Chris White, Studio City, CA -- List owner/editor Big Daddy and the Bluenotes, Flathead Valley, Montana -- Ambience Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am010208.shtml ================================================================== ~~~~ ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day ~~~~ DJ Europe's "Christmas Bells" Oh, those wacky European DJs. http://www.djeurope.com (Click on the "video" link) Thanks to Ted Remington for the tip. -=++=- SciFi Sounds Quiz How big a geek are YOU? http://www.shegoddess.com/q/sf/index.aspx Thanks to Laura Lippman for the tip. -=++=- Send submissions to 2much@topfive.com ================================================================== --==++ Rumination of the Day ++==-- I wanted to start off the new year with a bang, but the wife said she had a headache. (Wiley) Send submissions to submit@ruminate.com ================================================================== --==++ TopFive's News Headlines ++==-- Bailey Building & Loan Implicated in Sub-Prime Loan Scandal Bush Blames Pakistani Unrest on Terrorists, All That Curry Lightning-Struck Sewer Worker Can't Remember Shit Atheist Fails to Turn Down Any Holiday Gifts Shivering Child Asks: Just How Cold *Is* a Witch's Tit? Credits: David Kass (1,4), Richard Skora (2), Jerry L. Embry (3,4), Joseph Moore (5) Send submissions to headlines@topfive.com ================================================================== --==++ Musing With Mitch ++==-- by Mitchell Kobriger I gave the same gift to everyone this Christmas: "Mitch Coupons," good for a back rub or a home oil change. I look forward to the nightly pulling of tinsel out of my dog's rear. Hey, you've got your Christmas traditions, I've got mine. "Peace on Earth. Goodwill to all." Man, I wish I had written that. Then again, maybe I did, in another life. For most of the year, it's a lonely existence on the spice rack. But for a few short glorious weeks, nutmeg *owns* Christmas. Five straight years without a nativity scene fire. I think I've finally got this Christmas thing down pat. E-mail Mitch Kobriger: mitch@topfive.com ================================================================== The Runner Up & Honorable Mention submissions ------------------------------------------------------------------ Complaints of Mall Santas RUNNERS UP list -- Sleighed ------------------------------------------------------------------ "'Here Comes Santa Claus' has joined 'It's a Small World' and that one by Barney on the list of songs that make me want to jab knitting needles into my ears." (Doug Finney, Houston, TX) Can't get a good kosher bagel-dog at the food court. (David Kass, Queens, NY) Damn Cinnabon can't mix a boilermaker to save their lives. (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA) Didn't the Geneva Convention prohibit people from being subjected to "Frosty the Snowman" this much? (Brad Hamer, Austin, TX) Every time Harry gets on his lap, David has to get on with him. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA) Frickin' management says you have to talk to *all* the children, not just the ones who look Aryan. (Brad Hamer, Austin, TX) It gets really hot under all that fleece, padding and Kevlar. (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) Kids' candy-cane shivs are way too sharp nowadays. (Brian Daywalt, Wabash, IN) Moms get all bent out of shape when you rub their kids on your velour pants then stick them to the ceiling. (Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA) Oh, they like to flirt, all right, but just try to get Hooters' waitresses to sit down and piss in your lap. (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA) So many MILFs, not enough knee time. (John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI) The kids freak out over your maniacal eyes and their pansy-ass parents freak out over your forehead swastika. (Larry Hollister, Concord, CA) Watching the MILF mommies going in and out of Victoria's Secret gives you a painful chubby. (Terry Ramsdell, Ann Arbor, MI) What's the point of taking the crappy job if you can't borrow the suit to shag fetishist Bennigan's waitresses? (Mark D. Sabien, What Cheer, IA) When it's busy, it's nearly impossible to sneak away for a quick line of coke. (Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA) You tell one little kid that Santa's not going to his house because he's Jewish and they fire you on the spot. (Danny Gallagher, McKinney, TX) Runners Up list name (Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT) ------------------------------------------------------------------ Complaints of Mall Santas HONORABLE MENTIONS list -- Lap of Suxury ------------------------------------------------------------------ "Either they quit letting the kids feed alfalfa to the reindeer or they better plan on moving ol' Santa upwind." (Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL) All the hot elf assistants are married. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA) Can't get any action from Mrs. Claus when you come home smelling like stale urine. (Kim Moser, New York, NY) Every time, that annoying Brad Pitt sits down, says, "No, I got it all, thanks," then gets back in line. (J.J. Gertler, Alexandria, VA) Have you ever tried to get peppermint out of red velvet? (Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY) It's hard to establish meaningful eye contact with Mom when Junior's all up in your face. (Pam Wylder, Bloomington, IL) Mall cops eat all the donuts in the break room. (Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA) One "How about givin' Santa a little MILFin' cookies?" to one spoiled brat's repressed hottie mom and it's out on your ear. (Brad Hamer, Austin, TX) (Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH) One YouTube'd reindeer goring and you're blacklisted forever. (John Mozena, Grosse Pointe Woods, MI) Parents get mad when you blame the flatulence on their kids. (Jill Gallagher, Seattle, WA) Ramadan Santa, Kwanzaa Santa and Hanukkah Santa always bust on WASP Santa when he gets ham loaf for lunch. (Richard Skora, Columbus, OH) T.G.I. Friday's waitresses never want the one package you want to give them. (Bill Muse, Seattle, WA) The dry cleaning bill for a red velvet suit is higher than Rudolph on crack. (Paul Wiley, Westtown, NY) There's always that one little bastard who wants world peace and good will toward men. (Scott Witmer, Hanover, PA) When someone starts shooting, guess who's the biggest, brightest target in the place? (Curtis Stoddard, Cedar Hills, UT) (Jeff Rabinowitz, Wilkes-Barre, PA) Honorable Mentions list name (Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH) ================================================================== Copyright 2007 by Chris White All rights reserved. Do not publish or broadcast without permission. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Address changes: http://www.topfive.com/amember/member.php Everything else: http://www.topfive.com/contact.shtml ------------------------------------------------------------------ C L U B T O P 5 The Web's Best Original Humor http://www.topfive.com/club.htm ==================================================================